Month: December 2008

Detroit rodents, birds decry press plans

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 1 Comment

The announcement that the Detroit Free Press and Detroit News would shift to an online delivery model, cutting sharply back on home delivery of actual newspapers, drew sharp criticism from caged birds and rodents, puppies and fishmongers throughout the Motor City.

“What, am I supposed to shit on a laptop? An iPhone?” asked Cheepy, a budgie accustomed to crapping on the Freep’s editorial page. “The first time I drop a load on the boss’ Blackberry I’m cat food.”

Added Pooky, a Rottweiler puppy rescued from a Motown shelter: “You ever been swatted with a rolled-up Dell Latitude? Hurts like a motherfucker, I ain’t lyin’. I got worms, I don’t need nobody addin’ to my misery. Couple more reminders from Mr. Dell and somebody ‘roun’ here be pickin’ his nose with his elbow, know what I’m talkin’ ’bout?”

Less than zero

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 2 Comments
Chilly outside, chillin' inside.
Chilly outside, chillin' inside.

Arrrgh. Six below when I arose, a balmy minus-3 at 9:30 a.m. Woo hoo, ain’t nothin’ but a party. Word is we’re in the deep freeze for a few days at minimum, and lemme tell you, Las Cruces, Tucson and Hell are all starting to look pretty nice to me right now. Bibleburg looks not unlike the Ninth Circle of Dante’s Inferno, only with more faux Christians.

Herself has skipped the drive to Mile High in favor of working from home, and I am at liberty, with no deadlines looming. Ordinarily that would mean a bracing ride, or perhaps a run, but not everyone in Bibleburg is as conscientious as I am about shoveling walks, and my idea of a good time is not a shattered elbow, rolled ankle or cracked kneecap, an injury that befell my 83-year-old neighbor Marv, who took a digger after church yesterday and now sports an immobilizer that looks like some bit of gear out of “Iron Man.”

Turkish (a.k.a. Mighty Whitey, Big Pussy, Turkenstein, The Turkinator, et al) still wants outside, weather be damned, but he has a luxurious fur coat for warmth, claws for traction and a brain the size of a walnut. Miss Mia Sopaipilla, wiser despite her tender years, is content to stay inside.

It’s even colder in Denver, where employees of The Rocky Mountain News have launched a blog in a last-ditch attempt to save the paper from oblivion and MediaNews honcho and Denver Post publisher William Dean Singleton has asked unions at The Post and Denver Newspaper Agency to reopen their labor contracts.

Sole brother

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 1 Comment
Someone's stink-foot nearly put a hurt on The Decider's nose.
Someone's stink-foot nearly put a hurt on The Decider's nose.

Finally, someone in the press corps grows a pair, and size 10s, too. Too bad he wasn’t one of ours. But they’re all too busy blowing kisses at Oprah to throw shoes at The Decider.

Could the Mystery Man have been a Zappatista? It’s not known for certain; it all happened too quickly for me to see whether those unidentified flying zapatos were  brown shoes (they didn’t make it, which may be a clue) or a pair of too-tight, stink-foot python boots.

Then again, he could’ve been a Firesign Theatre fan: “Shoes for Industry! Shoes for the Dead!” Just another returning deceased war veteran hungry for that good-paying job, more sugar, and the free mule he’d been dreaming of. Too bad everything he knew was wrong.

The Voice of Cheese

~ Patrick O'Grady

OK, we have “Joe’s Garage” parts one, two and three; “Joe’s Corsage”; “Joe’s Domage”; “Joe’s XMASage”; and “Joe’s Menage.” On this, the 10th day of Zappadan, the unlucky No. 13 in the days of December, let us thank the Central Scrutinizer (and the Zappa Family Trust) that we have not (as of yet) seen the release of “Joe’s Fromage,” the entire Zappa catalog as performed by Weird Al Yankovic. It ain’t easy bein’ cheesy.

Do you like my new car?

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 12 Comments
The mighty Dogmobile, a 1983 Toyota 4WD longbed pickup. It gets out about as often as Charlie Manson.
The mighty Dogmobile, a 1983 Toyota 4WD longbed pickup. It gets out about as often as Charlie Manson.

It’s early days yet, but it seems Americans may finally be getting it as regards the whole unhappy-motoring thing. According to The Associated Press, Americans logged 9 billion fewer miles on the nation’s roads in October despite a stunning drop in gasoline prices (to less than $1.50 per gallon here in Bibleburg):

Federal Highway Administration data released Friday show the number of miles driven dropped 3.5 percent in October compared with the same month a year ago. Between November 2007, when the driving decline began, and October, Americans drove 100 billion fewer miles. That’s the largest continuous decline in driving the nation has experienced.

While driving declined, subways, buses, commuter rail and light-rail systems have reported record increases in ridership. Amtrak, the nation’s intercity passenger railroad, said it carried the highest number of passengers and brought in the most revenue in fiscal 2008 in its 37-year history.

”The fact that the trend persists even as gas prices are dropping confirms that America’s travel habits are fundamentally changing,” Transportation Secretary Mary Peters said in a statement.

No word about how bicycling may have contributed to the lower auto mileage, alas. But still, fewer cars on the road means more room for us, no? That’s what I call some good news.

Speaking of fewer cars, it appears that the White House is considering other options after the Repuglitards in the Senate croaked the Big 3 bailout based largely on their hatred for the United Auto Workers. Being appallingly ignorant in matters financial, I don’t feel qualified to comment on whether the rescue plan is as crucial as the automakers and their allies suggest. But the shit is already rolling downhill, and many smaller companies that supply the Big 3 are living in the valley.