A sinus of the times

April 21, 2018

“Excuse me, you wouldn’t happen to have a Kleenex, would you?”

The local allergists must be making money hand over nose.

Between the wind and the drought my snout spent most of this week looking like an undercooked calzone. Or maybe it’s auditioning for the latest addition to the “Alien” canon in which the beast blasts out of its victims’ faces instead of their chests.

I have not sought medical attention for fear that the whitecoats would wish to keep me, to study. “Hm, maybe evolution is bullshit after all.” Instead I’ve been self-medicating with various pills and potions, irrigating the ol’ calzone with saline solution, and periodically steaming it like a pierogi.

Shit. Now I’m hungry for some reason. Maybe not.

Naturally, I’ve been trying to exercise through this, which is like drinking Sterno to quell that nasty ache in your liver. It’s not too bad while you’re barreling along, strafing buzzworms with snot rockets, getting the blood pumping, but back at the ranch it’s all Kleenex and Carmex, sniffling like a Trump capo getting done to a turn on Bob Mueller’s grill.

Night before last God decided He wanted to be John Bonham for a while and played the drum solo from “Moby Dick” on the neighborhood, all night long, using nothing but wind and whatever wasn’t solidly nailed down.

Cooler weather followed and thus I spent yesterday indoors, returning El Rancho Pendejo to a habitable state in anticipation of Herself’s triumphant return from a five-day confab in Virginia, because I know what’s good for me and an ass-whuppin’ isn’t it. God and John Bonham aren’t the only folks who know how to swing a stick.

Q&A: Ruta del Rancho Pendejo

April 17, 2018

Riding north along the Paseo del Bosque.

We’ve had some questions arise about the inaugural Ruta del Rancho Pendejo, slated June 2-3. Here are some answers:

Q. How long are the rides?

A. The Paseo del Bosque Trail is a 32-mile round trip on paved path from the Alameda trailhead south around the industrial Rio Bravo lollipop at the south and back again. Pat O’Brien and I rode it in just over two and a half hours last year. It’s flat, flat, flat, but expect wind (probably in your face for the return leg) and plenty of other trail users. Here’s a detailed description of the route (from south to north). We could skip the loop at the southern end — frankly, it’s not all that scenic —and turn around at Rio Bravo Boulevard for the trip back to the Alameda trailhead.

The Steelman Eurocross on Trail 505 north of Elena Gallegos.

The off-road rides I like cover about 10 to 15 miles, or from an hour to 90 minutes in duration. For longer rides, we could simply add laps, or additional loops, maybe sample both the northern trails around the Elena Gallegos picnic area and the southern trails below Menaul. The Foothills Trails start just a couple blocks from El Rancho Pendejo, and since I ride rigid steel weirdomobiles I tend to seek out the swoopy, flowy, less-technical routes in a network that one local wrench has described as “manicured.” That said, there is a fair amount of climbing, the occasional rock garden, plenty of sand, cacti out the wazoo, and some washboard descents. Here’s a basic description.

I’ve shot some video of the southern Foothills Trails, but none of their northern cousins.

Q. Are rental bikes available?

A. Indeed they are. High Desert Bicycles rents road and mountain bikes. Also, Your Humble Narrator has a dozen machines on hand, with the road, touring and cyclocross models ranging in size from 55cm to 58cm and in technology from eight- and nine-speed Ultegra/XT/Deore and rim brakes to 10-speed SRAM with mechanical discs. Condition varies from serviceable to shameful. My one actual mountain bike is a 23-year-old titanium DBR Axis TT with eight-speed XT/Sachs twist-shifters, V-brakes, a RockShox Judy SL fork and 26-inch wheels. A real relic of mountain biking’s distant past, is what.

Q. Will I get shelled without mercy and left to die alone in the Upper Chihuahuan Desert?

A. No, the usual Darwinian ruthlessness will be held in abeyance. This is an extremely casual, social weekend of riding. Dying is discouraged as it would dampen the frivolity.

• Note for anyone fetching his/her own rig(s): The Duke City goathead thorn is a ravenous and ubiquitous beastie. I recommend riding tubeless tires or using sealant-filled tubes, both on- and off-road. And carry at least two spares and a pump anyway.

 

 

Nasal barrage

April 14, 2018

The backyard maple is greening up, along with pretty much everything else.

Here at El Rancho Pendejo we are spared the cruise missiles but not the snot rockets. Faugh, sneeeerk, hyeeeeenk, auuuughhhhh, hoccccccccck, ptui, etc.

The apple tree next to the garage.

The incoming includes mulberry, ash, juniper, cottonwood and sycamore, fueled by red-flag winds. I haven’t been on the bike since Wednesday. So, yeah. Not bombed, but bummed.

And taking drugs, which I used to enjoy. But these ones are boring. You don’t get to talk to God but at least you can breathe through your nose.

Maybe we should drop a shitload of mulberry bombs around old Bashar’s secure location. If he’s honking his beezer 24/7 he might not feel chipper enough to get medieval on folks.

The wisteria bracketing the front door.

Battle fatigue

April 13, 2018

Same shot, different day. | Photo liberated from the BBC.

This Atlantic article from Phil “Redeployment” Klay about the effects of endless war on U.S. troops seems especially pertinent in light of this evening’s news regarding Syria.

Friday funny

April 13, 2018

“Yeah, it’s all alphabetized by name. This is the ‘A’ section.”

Is anyone else amused by the fact that the squad of Department of Justice attorneys detailed to go through Michael Cohen’s poon-payoff pile is called a “taint team?”

Ride the Ruta del Rancho Pendejo

April 13, 2018

A stretch of the Paseo del Bosque trail, south of the zoo.

A few of us who hang around this digital cracker barrel plan to get together for a weekend of casual cycling in the Duke City, and you can join the fun.

The inaugural Ruta del Rancho Pendejo is slated for June 2-3, with one ride on pavement (probably taking in the fabled Paseo del Bosque recreational path) and another on dirt (the largely gentle Foothills Trails).

There will also be the eating of green chile, the consumption of beverages, and the talking of shit. You can read all about it here.

We deliver for you

April 12, 2018

Soon to be thrown through a major White House window.

I dunno why Orange Julius Caesar is going after Amazon and the U.S. Postal Service.

People are gonna read that James Comey book even if they have to go to an actual bookstore and pick it up themselves.

Here’s your hat, there’s the door . . .

April 11, 2018

Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya, bub.

Lyin’ Ryan is fixin’ to hit the door running, say The Atlantic, The Washington Post. and The New York Times.

No doubt the Squeaker of the House wishes to spend more time with the family. The Gambinos, perhaps, since the Trumps have proven to be heavy lifting for a fellow with a spine of Jell-O.

I guess it’s true what they say: When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I mean, just look at him go!

Hail to the Queef

April 10, 2018

Meltdown much?

The president will see you now.

So this lawyer walks into a bar. …

April 9, 2018

Just another working girl. | Photo on loan for the purposes of satire and parody from the New York Post.

It’s simple, really. Like the rest of us, the FBI simply wants to know:

Did he have to put the $130,000 in her G-string, one buck at a time?