The weather is here, wish you were beautiful

One shot, three seasons: Summer in the lawn, fall in the trees and winter on Pikes Peak.
One shot, three seasons: Summer in the lawn, fall in the trees and winter on Pikes Peak.

Deadlines suck. Like The Turk, I’ve been indoors more than I care to be lately, in my case generating bicycle comedy for fun and profit (well, for profit, anyway, and only just barely). This is particularly irksome because we’ve been enjoying a stellar fall here in Bibleburg. It’s 76 right now — 76! — at 5:45 p.m. on Oct. 15. Imagine my amazement.

This will change, as it must. Tomorrow and Sunday look pretty damn’ nice, and wouldn’t y’know, I have to clock in for a couple of shifts in the old VeloBarrel. Come Monday, the weather should become a bit more seasonal, as in 50-something with a chance of showers. Ick.

After that, it’s the Colorado lottery, which means exactly what it sounds like — a total meteorological crapshoot, which I must say keeps life interesting, like the wining jug in John Steinbeck’s “Cannery Row,” a punch blended by understudy barkeep Eddie using any booze left in glasses by the patrons of La Ida. A Palace Flophouse roommate, Jones, first pans, then praises the concoction:

“You take whiskey,” he said hurriedly. “You more or less know what you’ll do. A fightin’ guy fights and a cryin’ guy cries, but this —” he said magnanimously — “why, you don’t know whether it’ll run you up a pine tree or start you swimming to Santa Cruz.”

That’s the sad part. Pine trees we got. But Santa Cruz … not so much.

(Not) leaving Las Vegas

Seems a full house trumps the Mouse — Interbike has reconsidered its decision to shift the show from Las Vegas to Anaheim for 2011.

I couldn’t care less, as I haven’t been to Sin City in four years and was not anticipating an invitation to Interbike Disneyland. The last time I was there, back in 1997, I was pretty much describing Anaheim the way I would Vegas, and BRAIN’s publisher has long since grown weary of the word “sucks” when it appears under my byline.

So, yeah — good news, guys! Come September 2011 you can look forward to another week’s worth of watered whisky, secondhand smoke and steel-toed kicks to the nuts from the Sands unions. The people have spoken. And as usual, the voice was coming from below the belt and well behind the buckle.

Why, dog my cats!

"You brought this on yourself," Mia seems to tell Herself from the towel pile.
"You brought this on yourself," Mia seems to tell Herself from the towel pile.

A cat’s brain is not particularly large, only about twice the size of the average Irishman’s. Nonetheless, the feline mind is fertile ground for evil schemes.

Turkish — a.k.a. Turkenstein, The Turkinator, Big Pussy, Mighty Whitey, et al. — likes to sit on me. Not curl up in my lap, although he will do that about once in a blue moon, but rather sit on me. If I stretch out on the floor for some situps or in the bed for some reading, he’ll stroll over and perch on my chest, facing me with slitted eyes.

This means he wants some attention, and attention means from both hands. Let one lie idle and he’ll dig his giant shovel-shaped head underneath it. Scratch the left side of the head, if you please, then the right, but for God’s sake not both sides at once. Are you mad, sir? The universe has rules, and cats made them. Now, once more, first the left, then the right. …

I hit the deck for him yesterday, practicing a little Buddhist charity, and after a few minutes of ministrations  the giant furry swine repaid me with a chomp on the left wrist. Not quite biting the hand that feeds him, as I am right-handed, but pretty damn’ close.

Miss Mia Sopaipilla is not a biter, but she also provides periodic performance evaluations. If we neglect our primary chore, described in the Employee Manual as Paying Reverent Attention to Her Ultimate Cuteness At All Times, she’ll sneak into the upstairs bathroom, pull Herself’s towels off the rack and arrange them in a cozy Mia-sized pile on the floor.

Still and all, the occasional nip and/or towel pile is preferable to the stunts my first dog, Jojo the Terrible, would pull when he felt put upon. He would pee in some obscure location and watch with barely contained amusement as I tried to locate the source of the stink, or shred whichever book I was reading. And in one memorable instance, he tore a near-perfect circle out of the center of the fitted sheet on my bed.

And on the seventh day, he flatted

Autumn is on us with a vengeance, if you happen to be a plant. But midweek the temps should be in the low 60s/high 70s.
Autumn is on us with a vengeance, if you happen to be a plant or a penniless drunkard without a furnace. But midweek the temps should be in the low 60s to high 70s, which means I can dial the ethanol heater back a notch or two.

Screw the calendar — today was the first official day of fall. I know this to be a fact because when I set out for a quick 45 minutes of cyclo-cross after a morning of light labor I was wearing arm warmers, knee warmers and an undershirt in addition to the usual kit, and wishing I’d opted for long-fingered gloves.

I had planned to do a few go-rounds at a nearby school that has a gravel track, some short, sharp run-ups, a bit of asphalt and even a log to hop. But some anonymous teabagger has let the grounds go to hell, so after trying and failing to find a suitable path through the weeds I rolled off to my old standby, Monument Valley Park.

Unfortunately I apparently took a couple of goatheads with me, and just as the ’crossing was starting to feel good the front tire went soft. Oh, bugger. Out with the bad tube, in with the good tube. This mini-pump works about as well as the Senate. Look at the time. The sis and bro’-in-law are en route from Fort Fun, expecting lunch. Home wi’ ye, ye bald-pated tosspot.

And that was my Sunday in Bibleburg. How was yours?