In God We Rust

March 31, 2011March 31, 2011 ~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 7 Comments

That’s the name of Lewis Black’s tour, and Herself and I caught the Bibleburg stop last night, with our friends Steve and Christina.

I hadn’t heard that he had done time in Bibleburg as a young man, in 1972, when I had fled the place for Alamosa. He was trying to get a theater going here, and I was trying not very hard to go to college. He spent a year here, which he confessed was all he could take. I managed two in Alamosa, which was all I could take. We both say “fuck” a lot. Makes you think. Maybe not.

He went off on the Gazette at one point and I nearly gave out with, “It was worse to work there than it was to read the sonofabitch,” but soon was glad I didn’t, because (a) there is no Audience Participation Time in standup comedy, and (2) shortly thereafter when he was recounting a screwing he’d endured at the hands of Verizon over a Droid purchase some bimbo chimed in about how he should’ve bought phone insurance and Lewis leaped from the stage into the crowd and tore her throat out with his teeth.

Well, OK, he didn’t actually do that. But he fucked with her for quite some time, and worked the insurance bullshit into another bit, and if she had anything else to contribute thereafter I didn’t hear it.

If you’d like to spend a memorable evening pissing your pants while laughing hysterically, here’s his schedule.

And now the rumors behind the news

March 30, 2011March 30, 2011 ~ Patrick O'Grady ~ Leave a comment

Robin in the maple — It's a little brisk yet this morning and this guy is looking pretty puffy.

Thanks, all, for the birthday wishes. I was buried in deadlines and only now have I been able to rear my ugly head.

Looks like all the usual skullduggery has continued unabated in my absence. NBC News avoids reporting that its owner, General Electric Co., earned $14.2 billion in profits last year but paid no federal income tax (having just signed off on my returns, I can assure you that Mad Dog Media paid through its cold, wet nose).

Steve Benen makes a “Star Wars” reference (“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy”) in noting Joe Klein’s apprehension at the “vile, desperate-to-please, shameless, embarrassing losers” queuing up to race for the GOP presidential nomination.

And Fox News VP Bill Sammon is full of shit to the sideburns.

Those are the highlights so far this morning. No doubt there will be others. But they’ll have to wait until after I enjoy a nice, long, skull-flushing bike ride.

Dude, where’s my spring?

March 28, 2011 ~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 14 Comments

Ho hum — The Turk' finds our pre-spring weather too tedious for words.

Another birthday in the books. Funny, I don’t feel a day over 57.

I spent the joyous occasion hunkered down in the titanium and carbon fiber VeloBarrel, which had sprung a few leaks on Saturday after a software update. Nevertheless, I managed to abandon my post for 90 minutes both days for the never-ending struggle against my inner fat bastard. And there was whiskey last night.

Meanwhile, our typically psychotic spring weather continues. Gray skies, freezing fog, light snow and/or rain in the morning, semi-sunny and fitty-sumpin’ in the afternoon. For a guy who likes to take his exercise around 10 in the morning this creates something of a problem — as in, how to avoid the sort of embarrassing shrinkage that makes a guy look like a pudgy, bald-headed Ken doll in Lycra.

The solution so far has been to ride in the afternoon, when it’s warmish. But I’m a creature of habit. Get up at 7, caffeinate, eat a little sumpin’-sumpin’, write a bit of paying copy or rough out a cartoon, then tug on the bibs and go scare some iPlodders on the bike path at 10 a.m. sharp. Post-ride, I get back after the money-making, sit zazen, rustle up some vittles, have a dram or two or three, enjoy a bit of electronic entertainment and hit the hay.

I mean, what’s the deal here? All I’ve ever asked of the universe is that I have everything exactly the way I like it. Sheesh.

When a picture isn’t worth even 300 words

March 25, 2011March 25, 2011 ~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 15 Comments

False start — One of the many half-assed attempts to create a picture when 300 words were required.

Many years ago a managing editor asked me why I didn’t work harder at writing than cartooning, hinting that he thought me a better writer than scribbler, and now and then I’m forced to agree with him.

Case in point: Today’s Foaming Rant over at VeloNews.com began life yesterday as a cartoon. A couple hours and a half-dozen half-starts later I crumpled up the various rough drafts, shit-canned them and made a sharp left turn from the drawing board to the iMac.

This morning, what had originally been a one-panel sight gag is a 300-word setup for a five-word punch line, with a Photoshopped pic of Paddy McQuaid plus links to McQuaid’s open letter to pro riders and a YouTube video of Elvis Costello and the Attractions performing “Radio, Radio.”

Whether all that’s an improvement over a cartoon is open to debate. But it’s certainly an improvement over the one I was trying to draw yesterday.

Tour de CAS

March 24, 2011March 24, 2011 ~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 8 Comments

Ho hum. Off to the Court of Arbitration for Sport goes Albuterol Clenbutador as the UCI appeals his Spanish get-out-of-jail-free card.

Mr. 60% — 1996 seems like such a very long time ago, doesn't it?

Remember, doping these days is a stage race. There’s the prologue (allegedly winning the actual competition) followed by stage one (defending yourself before your national federation after tripping the Dope-O-Meter®) and stage two (battling either UCI, WADA or both at the CAS). Charles “The Explainer” Pelkey breaks it all down for you at VeloNews.com.

In between (and during) stages there is much bad noise from all concerned, worse than a battalion of drunken Belgians clanging cowbells. It’s particularly hard on the ears to hear Mr. 60% jabbering about “fairness” after cheating his way to his own Tour title.

Meanwhile, Counselor Pelkey warns against expecting a quick resolution.

“The time required by CAS to review documents, entertain motions from both sides, hold a hearing for oral arguments and then render a decision means that we won’t get a final and official word until much later this year,” he writes. “Indeed, we could see this thing pushed into late summer or early fall.”

Oh, goody. This means Clenbutador could race this year’s Giro and Tour before we get the definitive word on who won last year’s Tour.

Better start maintaining those record books online, boys. Makes it easier to airbrush folks out of the podium photos.

Speaking of freak shows, Kevin Drum — who thinks our crypto-Muslim Kenyan socialist overlord is a mortal lock to win in 2012 — is looking forward to the coming GOP primary.

“It looks like Michele Bachmann is going to run, Palin might run, Newt Gingrich is probably going to run, Jim DeMint seems like he might run, and I suppose Ron Paul will run again too. This is a freak show of stupendous proportions, and it would be perfect if Donald Trump really did decide to join all these nutbags on the stage during the debates.”

Parroting the usual insanity won’t make the nut with this lot, Kevin adds, meaning “the crazy wing is going to have to up the ante. …” And here we thought they’d already cranked it up to 11.