Month: May 2011

I want my 60 minutes back, please

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 26 Comments

Well, that was sort of … meh. Got to admit, I didn’t catch the whole “60 Minutes” exposé — I was working the Amgen Tour for VeloNews.com and for some reason thinking 7 p.m. instead of 6, but wised up in time only to find out that the rabbit ears wouldn’t pull in CBS, so I had to try another pair and then rescan for channels, and yeah, duh, I’m an idiot — but from what I saw and have read since, I’m thinking CBS News can forget about the Peabody Award for this one.

It’s nice to see the mainstream media investing time and money in the Adventures of Big Tex and His Merry Men, but the tifosi knew most of the “revelations” going in, including the big one, which was “60 Minutes” alleging that faithful lieutenant George Hincapie may have tweeted before a grand jury in a canary-like fashion that would not get an attaboy from the Twitterer-in-Chief, Texus Maximus, El Jefe, to wit, Juan “Scarnads” Pelota his own bad self. As anyone who ever read Jimmy Breslin’s “The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight” knows, the only proper response to a question from a copper, a DA or anyone who can’t instantly provide you with the names of all his cousins is, “What could I tell you?” accompanied by a shrug of the shoulders.

Hincapie and “60 Minutes” agree that they did not speak to each other for this report — I haven’t seen anything about Hinc’ denying that he ratted out the Boss, no matter what you read elsewhere — and Big Tex’s goon squad are treating Hinc’ with kid gloves, refraining from calling him a serial liar, a drunkard, an admitted doper, a hater or a penny-dreadful author in search of a publisher, as they have Floyd Landis, Tyler Hamilton, Frankie and Betsy Andreu and just about anyone else who unlimbers his or her yap to do anything other than plant a wet one on Tex’s ass.

In fact, the Texicans say CBS has smeared Hincapie too, calling the statements attributed to him “inaccurate” and “the reports of his testimony … unreliable.” As for Hincapie, all he has said publicly is: “As for the substance of anything in the ’60 Minutes’ story, I cannot comment on anything relating to the ongoing investigation.” Hey, what could I tell you?

So as usual, it appears that the the shoes have only begun to drop. Envision Imelda Marcos flying a Stealth bomber with a full payload of Manolo Blahniks. Then take cover.

Zombie Tugboat bites Big Tex in the ass

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 36 Comments
A Turk' in the grass
Big Turk' says he has never tested positive.

The shoes keep dropping, and all Big Tex will say is that some folks have some very dirty feet indeed.

Tyler Hamilton finally came clean yesterday, in the process adding about four hours to my shift in the VeloBarrel, and out came the Million-Pound Yellow Rubber Shithammer of Denial, right on cue. In its latest incarnation, dubbed Facts4Lance.com, the MPYRSOD makes Thor’s Mjolnir look like a tack hammer.

As expected, Tex’s spokescreature, Marco Fabuloso, used his tongue purtier than a $20 whore in defense of his client, whose acid Twitterwit seems to have been diluted somewhat by former underlings taking a piss. The best Tex could manage in 140 characters or less was the traditional boilerplate about a multiplicity of tests and the positivity thereof, which he keeps stored in a macro key on his HP Livestrong laptop, followed by a feeble attempt at redirection: “And in news from this century … there’s an amazing bike race taking place in California. Thanks for supporting these amazing athletes.”

Speaking of the amazing Amgen Tour of California, its amazing management must get awfully tired of these amazing revelations taking place on their amazing dime, especially going into the amazing Solvang time trial, not exactly the sort of amazing contest to keep the sporting media on the edge of its seat. If I’m racing in California I’m not leaving the team bus until 30 seconds before my start and I’m getting right back into the sonofabitch as soon as I cross the line.

Not so Big George Hincapie, who has mastered the art of saying nothing at length. Speaking to VeloNews yesterday, he said: “I know you’ve got a job and you’ve got to ask these questions. I’ve got a job too. My job’s here to race my bike, promote the sport that we all love; that I’ve sacrificed my whole life for and I just have no interest in dragging this sport through the mud, so I’m sorry, but I have no comment.”

Having just said at some length that he would not comment, Hincapie continued to comment: “Look at all the fans out here; the race is doing awesome. It has incredible support and incredible sponsors. I believe in cycling. I believe in what cycling has done. I believe cycling has done more than any other sport to make it a clean sport. Why can’t we focus on that?”

Hey, I’d be delighted. I don’t know a single, solitary cycling scribe who got into the game because he liked covering the cops and courts. Quite the opposite, in fact. And perhaps one day, after Big Tex has had his day in an actual court, instead of the virtual court he presides over on Twitter, we can all get back to covering the sport we all love.

But today isn’t the day.

• Late update: Well, in light of the latest revelations, ol’ George sounds more wistful than weaselly, eh? It’s raining shoes out there. Whom will “60 Minutes” trot out next, Big Tex’s ex? Robin Williams? Batman?

May showers bring what, exactly?

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 12 Comments
Back deck, May 19, 2011
All hands on deck? Not today: Today I need an office with a lid on it.

Jeebus. More water on the deck this morning. Just because I have fenders and neoprene doesn’t mean I enjoy using them.

Oh, well. I’m signed up for an extra-credit day in the VeloBarrel today, helping cover stage five of the Amgen Tour as our boots on the ground rotate in and out. It’s supposed to start at 10:15 a.m. Bibleburg time, but since we don’t do live updates anymore (just a Twitter feed, which is like passing out bullhorns to the voices in Sarah Palin’s head) the heavy lifting won’t start until much later in the day, when the streaming video kicks in.

One thing’s for sure: I won’t be using the open-air office this afternoon. It’s plenty soggy already, and there’s more rain in the forecast. No point in getting electrocuted in advance of Saturday’s Rapture. I want to stick around long enough to see who the real Christians are. I have a feeling the Tower will not approve some of the self-righteous flight plans on His desk.