I hate February

February 11, 2012February 11, 2012 ~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 21 Comments

What passes for snow in February — A little cranky commentary on the back deck. I thought about putting it out front but property values are already low enough around here.

Fourteen degrees with a 12-mph wind out of the south and maybe a half inch of fluffy white powder on the deck — just three of the reasons that February sucks.

Weather like this makes me want to eat grease, drink whiskey and buy things, not necessarily in that order. I just looked back through a few old training logs and the February entries are full of low mileage and foul language. The month is bad for the legs and worse for the mind.

It doesn’t help that colleagues are taunting me from Tucson, where they have spent a few days test-riding bikes under sunny skies in 70-degree temps. There’s nothing a journalist likes better than seeing an open wound and the salt shaker within easy reach. Oh, the humanity.

Me, I did an hour of cyclo-cross in a bitter north wind on Thursday and about 90 minutes of unimpressive riding in a surprisingly snowy and wet Palmer Park yesterday. Who knew that last little poot of a snowstorm would linger as it did? Not me, and now I have a bike that needs a wash and brush-up.

Today I’m trying to nudge myself into the first trainer ride of 2012, but the pep talk is not going well. Cycling indoors is right up there with daytime TV, cybersex and listening to Republicans speak.

Congress wants to stick a pump in our spokes

February 10, 2012February 10, 2012 ~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 15 Comments

Cycling advocates nationwide are up in arms over congressional assaults that the League of American Bicyclists says “threaten 20 years of progress in promoting bicycling and walking as energy-efficient, healthy and safe modes of transportation.”

You probably already know this — but just in case it comes as news to you, LAB, the America Bikes coalition, the Rails-to-Trails Conservancy, Adventure Cycling and other organizations are fighting tooth and nail to keep bike-ped funding in the House and Senate transportation bills presently slithering through the legislative sausage-making process.

In the Senate, advocates are backing an amendment by Sens. Thad Cochran (R-Miss.) and Ben Cardin (D-Md.) to guarantee local governments a voice in transportation decisions and provide funding for bikeways, sidewalks and safe routes to school.

In the House, they are urging representatives to oppose the entire transportation bill — it’s that bad. Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D-Ore.), interviewed for “Living On Earth,” called the measure “arguably the worst piece of transportation legislation I’ve seen that has been proposed. Not just in the 15 years I’ve been in Congress, but for many years before that.”

If you haven’t already contacted your senators and representatives, please do so. And thanks.

SweaterFest 2012 comes to Bibleburg

February 7, 2012February 7, 2012 ~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 16 Comments

The would-be Sweater Vest-in-Chief, Rick “Man On Dog” Santorum, is bringing his clown act back to Bibleburg this morning.

The Frothy One has garnered the endorsement of fundamentalist windbag Jimmy Dobson and other local wingnuts and is expected to do well here in today’s caucus because the Bibleburg wing of the GOP loves nothing better than some bad noise from a pudgy loser (yes, I’m looking at you, Dougie Bruce).

In fact, if the pope’s bestest little soldier cares to stick around until the 13th, he can catch Bruce’s sentencing for his conviction upon (among other things) filing a false return, evading state taxes, attempting to influence a public servant and failing to file returns between 2005 and 2010. Good times.

Meanwhile, the venue for today’s SweaterFest seems appropriate. It’s The Depot, a failed restaurant turned “events center” that’s conveniently located just a stone’s throw from the Marion House Soup Kitchen, which serves the refugees from our last Republican administration.

Very few sweater vests in that congregation, the members of which are still waiting for life to begin after conception.

Spanish cattle applaud Contador decision

February 6, 2012February 6, 2012 ~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 18 Comments

"Time to moo-ve forward," says Bossie DeVaca.

A spokescow for the Ancient and Honorable Association of Spanish Beeves has applauded the final decision in the Alberto Contador case and suggests that her group may pursue a separate civil action.

The international Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS) on Monday handed down a two-year suspension for the six-time grand-tour winner, stripping him of his 2010 Tour de France title and all results and prizes since the January 2011 suspension was deemed to have taken effect, including his 2011 Giro d’Italia crown.

Speaking for the AHASB, Bossie DeVaca hinted that her organization might bring a libel case against Contador, who had blamed his clenbuterol positive on a supposedly tainted Spanish steak.

“He said we were full of clenbuterol,” said Ms. DeVaca, contentedly chewing her cud. “But now we know without a doubt that he is the one who is full of it.”

Pigskin? Nope — posole

February 5, 2012February 5, 2012 ~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 15 Comments

My sources tell me there’s some class of sporting event going on today. “The Stupor Bowel,” or something like that.

There are no bicycles involved in the Stupor Bowel, which seems designed to paralyze the digestive tract with a one-two punch of grease and salt while clouding the mind with watery industrial lager and subliminal electronic commands to buy things you don’t need and can’t afford.

Some home viewers are said to prefer watching the ads that ostensibly support the “game,” a ritualized re-enactment of World War I trench warfare in which the gas attacks afflict the spectators rather than the combatants.

Here at Chez Dog the TV will remain in its usual mode — we call it “off” — and if the temperature ever rises above freezing I will patrol the neighborhood via bicycle. With all eyes glued to the tube this would be a perfect day for the Chinese to invade. Nobody would even notice until they woke up chained to a table full of iPhone parts, with a biscuit, a cup of tea and an assembly manual written in Mandarin.

Herself, meanwhile, will pull the traditional Sunday shift as a volunteer at the Humane Society of the Pikes Peak Region, where everyone will no doubt have one eye on Animal Planet during Puppy Bowl VIII. There will be pigs on the sidelines, none of them named Newt (I hope).

Afterward we will enjoy a light repast of chicken enchiladas smothered in red chile, posole and pintos with chipotle, supported by a couple of fine craft beers recommended by tech editor Matt Wiebe of Bicycle Retailer and Industry News: Happy Camper IPA and Imperial Java Stout, both from the Santa Fe Brewing Co.

At no point will a cat be used as a football. Not even during halftime.