Category: Arts & letters

Hail, Gloptron!

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 21 Comments
A constitutional convention goes awry in Gilbert Shelton\'s "Wonder Wart-Hog and the Nurds of November."
A constitutional convention goes awry in Gilbert Shelton's "Wonder Wart-Hog and the Nurds of November."

Over at AlterNet, Greg Palast writes: “In Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations should be treated the same as ‘natural persons,’ i.e. humans. Well, in that case, expect the Supreme Court to next rule that Wal-Mart can run for President.”

This very scenario was envisioned decades ago by cartoonist Gilbert Shelton in his graphic novel “The Nurds of November,” in which the jobless deuce reporter Philbert Desanex — the mild-mannered alter ego of the Super Swine, Wonder Wart-Hog — runs for president against the corporation Gloptron.

Whether he was drawing Wonder Wart-Hog or The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers, Shelton always seemed more politically intelligent than most of his contemporaries. In 1976, he teamed up with Ted Richards, Gary Hallgren and Willy Murphy to pen “Give Me Liberty! A Revised History of the American Revolution.” The “Nurds” book followed in 1980. It ends, as you might expect, badly, with a hungover constitutional convention establishing a fascist dictatorship led by a very much alive Adolf Hitler, who had his skull and teeth surgically removed to mislead his enemies.

Shortly thereafter Shelton left the Benighted States for France, taking his prescience with him. In 1995, he told The Idler: “The Christian fundamentalist right are … scary. I just didn’t want to be involved. The whole way that America wants stupid people in power, and the way they want to remove anyone with any ideas or any education, get rid of the bright people.”

Will he or won’t he? Hey, I’ll drink to that

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 4 Comments

With Interior Secretary Ken Salazar saying thanks, but no thanks, John Hickenlooper is said to be polling slightly behind Scott McLobbyist in the Colorado gubernatorial race — even though the Denver mayor hasn’t officially entered the race yet.

That said, what’s not to like about a guy who opened a couple of brewpubs — Wynkoop in Denver and Phantom Canyon right here in Bibleburg? Would you rather have a publican running the state or some roundheeled Big Energy mouthpiece who keeps a mattress strapped to his back in case he needs to assume the position on a moment’s notice?

Meanwhile, it’s Friday and instead of bellying up to some elegant bar I’m up to my oversized keister in various labors for VeloNews — whose absentee landlords still have yet to offer me a reasonable contract for 2010, eight days into the New Year — and Bicycle Retailer & Industry News, whose management knows better than to pester me with such nonsense. Revising badly written legalese that is to freelance journalism what Shanghaiing was to naval recruitment leaves me fulminating and unfunny, qualities one does not desire in a humorist for hire.

And finally, to another matter: Any of you folks out there know much about Austin, Texas? A cycling buddy is contemplating a move there and wants the inside scoop on the joint. I haven’t been there since I was a sprout living on Randolph AFB outside San Antone, so as usual I am less than informed. Your assistance would be appreciated.

New year, same old dog

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 9 Comments

Today I managed a third consecutive day of outdoor cycling and field-tested my ability to fix a flat with a damaged digit. All is well. I froze my nuts off, true, but that’s nobody’s fault but my own for underestimating how much heat a fat bastard can generate riding a flat-bar cyclo-cross bike in subfreezing temperatures with a brisk north wind.

A windproof jacket would’ve been smart. Ditto full booties instead of toe covers. Hell, how ’bout staying indoors and drinking whisky out of the bottle? How many 55-year-old fat bastards do you know who are layering on the Lycra for a 90-minute ’cross-bike ride on a football Sunday when they could be in some warm pub drinking Clydesdale piss and sneaking peeks down the waitress’s blouse?

Yeah, I know. Plenty. And I was one of them. Because I am a dog with a mission — get fit enough to do the Adventure Cycling Association’s Southern Arizona Road Adventure in mid-March without embarrassing and/or killing myself.

Then I will write about it for Adventure Cyclist magazine, cash the check, and use the proceeds to buy warm clothing. Or whisky. Or both.

Tom Waits for no one

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 2 Comments

Here’s an early present for you — the Los Angeles Times reports that Tom Waits may (or may not) produce a new studio album in 2010.

In the meantime, the maestro has already given us some good quotes regarding the writing of music. Quoth Waits: “It’s like diamond-cutting or hunting for bear or dropping out of a tree. Sometimes, it’s like ping-pong. Other times it’s like operating on a flamingo. Every song’s different. Some are like empty swimming pools, and you’ve got to be the water.”

• Extra Credit Bonus Celebrity Artist Quotage: Here’s Terry Gilliam on making movies: “Once the voices are in your head, it’s either make a movie or kill a lot of people. That’s probably what I should be doing to get money for the movies: saying, ‘If you don’t give me the money, I will have to slaughter large numbers of people to deal with these voices in my head.'” Gilliam and Waits worked together on “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus,” which looks seriously weird (gee, imagine that; weirdness from Waits and Gilliam).