The Shit Monsoon: Repairs revisited

At left, fresh vinyl in the laundry room; at right, new tile in the crapper (though still no crapper).

Yesterday was a perfect day for a bike ride. The temperatures peaked somewhere in the upper 70s, I had a tailwind for most of the uphill bits, and it even rained a bit during the homebound stretch. I didn’t have a rain jacket, but I didn’t care, because it felt great. Plus the bike had fenders.

Good thing I made time for cycling, too. Because today, after nearly three months of not much happening as regards restoration of the basement following The Shit Monsoon of Memorial Day Weekend, not one but two crews showed up to lay tile and vinyl. Tomorrow comes the carpet, and later this week, the toilet and vanity. Good times.

The downside — and there always is one — is that it is another beautiful day for cycling, yet here I sit, enjoying a symphony of jackhammers and saws, because Herself has pissed off to Denver for a meeting and there is no one else to mind the store. The cats are notoriously unreliable in such matters, and Mister Boo would be down there happily eating adhesive and grout because he thinks everything is food. Swear to God. He’d scarf down a bowl of cat piss and sawdust as though it were steak tartare.

Speaking of folks who will swallow anything, David Stockman isn’t one of them — not when it comes to Paul Ryan and his alleged budget “plan.” Ronnie Raygun’s OMB chief ripped Ryan a new one in The New York Times, and Ed Kilgore of Political Animal adds his personal touch to the bits and pieces he quotes.

Over at The Nation, meanwhile. John Nichols takes the opportunity to contrast Ryan’s Randite vision with Wisconsin’s progressive tradition.

And at The Maddow Blog, Steve Benen calls out Ryan for hypocrisy, noting that while he was raising against the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, Ryan was right there with his hand out like everyone else.

Training for his urine test

Color me cynical, but I do believe Belgian trackie Gijs Van Hoecke will test positive for tonsil polish — that is, if he has any fluids remaining inside his body for testing purposes.

The Belgian federation shitcanned Van Hoecke from the 2012 Olympics after the Limey scandal sheet The Daily Mail ran pix of Olympians leaving a London club earlier this week. The sopping wet, sleepily smiling 20-year-old was snapped as his mates fetched him to a waiting cab, the driver of which I trust they tipped handsomely.

Van Hoecke issued an apology of sorts in a chat with RTBF television. “What happened is a pity. I am sorry, this should not have happened,” he said. “But I also think that after two years of relentless work, I have the right to let my hair down.

“It would have been better if it had not happened here in London. I chose the wrong moment. Having said that, it was outside the Olympic Village, I wasn’t disturbing other athletes, they didn’t say anything about it.”

Word. I wonder how many esteemed Daily Mail scribes have had to be carried from pubs to cabs after concluding their little bit of business at day’s end.

Remember me?

Van Nicholas Amazon Rohloff
The Van Nicholas Amazon Rohloff: Titanium everything, a 14-speed Rohloff hub and Gates Carbon Drive.

Me neither. I used to be that shaven-legged, devil-may-care, funny man about town. Now I’m a hairy old fat bastard striving mightily to find a way to make money without working. Imagine my disappointment.

First, the good news: I have actually ridden a bicycle every day this week. The bad news? It wasn’t my bicycle. And I rode it very, very slowly.

But enough about me. The Olympics are coming up this weekend, and word is that Saturday’s road race will be The World Vs. Mark Cavendish. Good luck with United Nations v2.0, guys. It makes my hunt for free money look like a sure thing.

I lost interest in the Games when pros became involved, and I can’t recall an Olympic road race that was half as interesting as an industrial-park crit, so I will be paying attention only when someone is paying me.

Frankly, the only Olympic sports that have ever meant a rat’s ass to me are track and field, swimming and gymnastics. Running and swimming may be the purest forms of sport, and gymnastics … that’s just plain fun to watch.

But right now I’d rather do than watch. See that bike up there? I’m going to go ride it somewhere, then come back and write about it. Beer may be involved. It’s as close to not working for money as I’m ever likely to get.

Th-th-th-th-that’s all, folks!

Our long international nightmare is finally over.

Tomorrow I can get back to something approximating normalcy, which means sleeping until 7 a.m., dawdling over a cup or two of java while tut-tutting at the news, enjoying a leisurely breakfast starring the chicken, the pig and the spud, and finally riding a goddamned bicycle before the roads catch fire.

I warmed up to ‘Is Lordship a bit over the past few days, watching him do a spot of work for teammates once The Big Shirt was safely in his closet. And I appreciated his brevity on the final podium: “Cheers, have a safe journey home, don’t get too drunk.” Plus the look he gave the Union Jackoff singing his national anthem mirrored the one I gave her through my iMac.

That said, this Tour will not be one upon which I look fondly from my smelly bed in the nursing home. Miguel Indurain was Wiggo’s model, and damme if his Tour wasn’t as dull as the five Big Mig won.

I met Indurain once, and he was a gent who forgave me my retarded Spanish, but watching him win Tours was like watching a steamroller smooth out the wrinkles in fresh asphalt. Win the time trials, defend in the mountains, repeat until no longer possible.

Likewise the Tours won by He Who Shall Not Be Named. That shit got to be like watching the sun rise. You just knew it was going to happen, and at some point the miraculous becomes routine, and therefore unremarkable.

I like watching the no-hopers who look around, mutter, “Doesn’t anybody want to win this race?” and take off. Claudio Chiappucci, Jacky Durand, Jens Voigt, Thomas Voeckler. Fuck a bunch of watts on the power meter, just stick your snoot in the wind and see what happens.

My model is Randle Patrick McMurphy trying a breakaway in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” It not only didn’t work, it ended badly.

“But I tried, didn’t I, goddamnit? At least I did that.”