The hummingbirds are scarce so far this April. But Herself reported seeing a coyote just down the street as she drove to work this morning.
Ain’t that just the way it is? God’s Dog is on the job while Her colorful little buzzbombs are off screwing the pooch somewhere.
Hope the ICEholes haven’t scooped ’em all up. That would be the cutest detention center ever.
In Springfield, they’re eating the dogs. The people that came in. They’re eating the cats. They’re eating the pets of the people that live there. And this is what’s happening in our country. And it’s a shame.
You know how you can tell this is bullshit? Because if it were actually happening, TFG would have a piece of the action, through a shell company incorporated in Delaware with headquarters in Saudi Arabia and a board of directors drawn from Interpol’s Red Notices.
Remember Trump Steaks? Ran out of the money at Aqueduct and straight into your refrigerator.
How much capital would it take to start snapping up struggling animal shelters and add drive-through windows? Poach the Chihuahua that used to shill for Taco Bell? (That’s a cookin’ joke, son!) Better yet, make J.D. Vance wear a Chihuahua suit, see if the hillbilly sonofabitch can generate a little positive cash flow. The dog’s cuter, but Vance is already on the payroll. Put Stephen Miller on the job; he’d deep-fry his own mother if he had one.
Before you could sing a bar of “(How Much Is) That Doggie in the Window?” TFG would have franchises out the wazoo. Most of them along the border, of course. Your customers are your workforce and vice versa. It’s practically a perpetual-motion money machine.
And he’d tell you all about it on TV, too.
Just not as though it were a bad thing.
Ordinarily I’m not out the door before 8:30 in the morning. Oh, I may be out of bed by 5, or 5:30, but I am far from ready for my closeup.
First, one must shake hands with the governor. Second, attend to Miss Mia Sopaipilla’s litter box. Finally, there shall be strong black coffee, some news, toast with butter and jam, more news, more coffee, some colorful language, a flushing of the headgear via the southern sally port, a light breakfast — oatmeal with fruit and nuts, yogurt with granola, or a fruit smoothie — and p’raps a large mug of strong black tea to wash it all down.
Then, and only then, am I prepared to greet the shit monsoon face to face.
There was a time when I could cut to the chase with drugs and alcohol, but that was many moons ago and 8:30 was out of the question unless I’d stayed up all night, in which case it was more like noon-thirty, and I was only leaving to get more drugs and alcohol.
Or maybe it was 8:30 p.m.
But I digress.
On Tuesday, I was out the door at 7:30 a.m., because it was already warmish and due to become more so. I was kind of tired of cycling — I’d been riding 100-plus miles a week for like five consecutive weeks, which is a lot for me, since I’m not training for anything beyond staying on the sunny side of the sod — so I thought I’d slip out for a quick trail run, maybe lift some weights after.
Turns out 7:30 is the time everyone around here walks the dog.
I’d forgotten about this ritual, since Mister Boo has been absent for six years now and Miss Mia only takes brief, infrequent expeditions into the backyard grass for the folic acid. Dogs gotta walk, winter, spring, summer and fall, and unless you want to fry their furry feet in the dog days of summer, you best get ’em out before the sun comes up and after it goes down.
When you walk a dog you meet other dog walkers. There are no red people or blue people, only dog people. As John Steinbeck observed in “Travels with Charley”:
A dog, particularly an exotic like Charley, is a bond between strangers. Many conversations en route began with ‘What degree of a dog is that?’
Thus I met some degree of a retriever, off leash, whose human advised genially, “It’s OK, she doesn’t bite.” I stifled an “That’s OK, I do,” because the pooch was clearly living the doggie dream.
Likewise a grinning purse dog in the company of a young woman.
“That looks like a very happy dog,” I said. “Oh, she is, she is,” replied her companion.
Dogs mostly don’t wear signifying T-shirts or sport bumper stickers, lacking bumpers and political opinions, and if you’re busy scratching furry ears and cooing, “Who’s a good boy?” you’re not thinking much about what kind of flags their people fly, or how, or where they get their “news.”
You’re probably thinking, “What we need is some degree of a dog.”
Just kidding, Mia. Must’ve had a touch of heat stroke.
AND THE GREAT WEATHERPERSON spake unto the People, saying, “Place thy Shovels where thou canst Find them in the Dark, for I shall send a Snowpocalypse to thee, yea, even unto the Upper Reaches of the Chihuahuan Desert, wherein roam the Purse Dogs from which it takes its Name.”
“And they shall be Sore Vexed, for their Darling Little Aztec-Themed Sweaters and Tiny Suede Booties shall not Warm them and keep their Feet Dry in this, the Hour of their Need. And they shall Tremble and Yap and Bite the Hand that Feeds them, which is to Say it shall be the Same Ol’, Same Ol’, only Colder and Wetter.”
But the promised Snowpocalypse failed to Eventuate, and the People grew Restless, having Armed themselves with Shovels, Snow Blowers, and Strong Drink, and endured many painful Bites from their Chihuahuas as they stuffed them into the Cutest Miniature North Face Gore-Tex Insulated Jackets with wool Paddygucci Beanies and Itty Bitty Sorels.
“What gives?” they enquired. “Where it at the Snowpocalypse?”
And lo, the Great Weatherperson answered in a Voice like Thunder, proclaiming: “Ho, ho, got you again, didn’t I? Check the Calendar, dummies. April Fool! You might get a little Rain if you’re Lucky. Gotta run; these Chihuahuas don’t make Themselves, y’know.”
A much younger Dog with his dogs, Sandy (top) and Clancy (bottom), rockin’ around the clock in those Fabulous Fifties. No date or location on the image, but it has to be 1956 or thereabouts and probably Falls Church, Va.
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