Category: Just Fucking Shoot Me

Wishboned

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 12 Comments
Oh, eat me.

What’s on the Thanksgiving menu this year? Why, it’s a heaping helping of the fabled Epstein Files, which everyone expects — hopes? — to feature the sticky deets of something on the order of Caligula, the Joker, and Prince Prospero hosting a masked ball at the House of Usher on the Island of Dr. Moreau.

Bon appétit!

Anyone else get a whiff of teenage miscreants frantically policing up the red Solo cups, roaches, and rubbers from an unauthorized bacchanal as their parents pound on the door?

“Hold on, be right there, uh, just got out of the shower, getting dressed, door seems to be stuck for some reason, no, don’t know what that smell is (sotto voce: open some fucking windows for chrissakes, throw a pillow over that stain on the couch, and … shit, is that Suzi curled around the toilet?). …”

It is the hee, and also the haw. This den of thieves has all the transparency of the Shield Wall on Dune, and I don’t see Paul Muad’dib rolling up on a sandworm with the family atomics to let a bit of daylight into the fucker anytime soon.

What we’re likely to see once the fear-sweat evaporates is the massively redacted, heavily abridged, Democrats-only, Reader’s Digest version of a Nextdoor tirade about The Worst Airbnb Ever, featuring a hidden lo-res camera in the crapper and a creepy host who kept popping over in his bathrobe “to see if you needed anything.”

I mean, c’mon:

Representative Thomas Massie, a Kentucky Republican, said that once the Epstein resolution becomes law, the Justice Department could not refuse to release the files, or release them with the names of perpetrators redacted. The resolution prohibits the redaction of names “on the basis of embarrassment, reputational harm or political sensitivity.” 

“They will be breaking the law if they do not release these files,” he added. While true, the only way to enforce the Epstein resolution would be for Congress to hold President Trump’s Justice Department in contempt, and for the department to then prosecute itself for failing to release the files, an unlikely sequence of events.

Breaking the law? Seriously? For this lot, that’s what it’s there for.

O, brother. …

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 19 Comments
Some old traditions are worth revisiting.

I’ll spare you my “hot take” on the latest capitulation by the Democrats, noting only that if we were ever to get serious about governance in this Republic, we could revive the domestic splintery rail, tar, and feather industries in a fortnight. Maybe less.

Jesus H. Christ on a flatcar. I believe these eejits could fall into a barrel of tits and come out sucking their thumbs. Bringing a knife to a gunfight would be a remarkable escalation for this lot. A one-armed monkey could carve a better party out of a banana, using a single strand of al dente pasta.

Fuck these people. I’m going back to the commies. At least they go down swinging.

Meanwhile, to any who remain with the Jackasses: Primary ’em all, let God sort ’em out.

Today’s forecast: A hard rain

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 12 Comments

Oh, boy, it’s gonna be fun driving a high-profile vehicle on the I-5 in California today as the 155mm artillery rounds from Camp Pendleton sail overhead.

The good news is, it should be awful quiet at the National Nuclear Security Administration come Monday. Or so we may hope, anyway.

Some people voted for this shit. I sure hope they like the taste.

And what did you hear, my blue-eyed son?
And what did you hear, my darling young one?
I heard the sound of a thunder, it roared out a warnin’
Heard the roar of a wave that could drown the whole world
Heard one hundred drummers whose hands were a-blazin’
Heard ten thousand whisperin’ and nobody listenin’
Heard one person starve, I heard many people laughin’
Heard the song of a poet who died in the gutter
Heard the sound of a clown who cried in the alley
And it’s a hard, and it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard
And it’s a hard rain’s a-gonna fall

Just another manic Monday

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 11 Comments
“Will you look at the man? He’s a Freudian delight; he crawls with clues!”

Maj. Whiskey Tango “Foxtrot” Sterno was said to be “crawling out of his skin” as the Warfighter in Chief prepared to address the brass hats he has ordered to assemble like so many raw recruits, reminding us not only of “The Caine Mutiny” but also “Lost Weekend.”

OK, so it’s The Daily Beast riffing on a piece from the Daily Mail. Not exactly the Word of God. But I’ll take good news wherever I can find it, especially on a Monday.

Speaking of good news, the clock is ticking to the first shutdown of the federal government in nearly seven years. This has been the goal of the Repuglicunts for as long as I can remember, which hardly makes it breaking news. But this time, who knows? It could stay shut down this time, and the generals and admirals would all have to travel back to their assignments via private transpo ho ho ho ho ho.

There will always be money to blow shit up, government or no government. But I wouldn’t want to be hanging by my nutsack waiting on a Social Security check.

Full metal jagoffs

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 10 Comments
“HQ says there’s a woke art exhibit at the Smithsonian. Cover me … I’m going in.”

“Tin soldiers and dipshits coming.”

Thus spake Charles P. Pierce about the governors of Ohio, South Carolina, and West Virginia sending National Guardspersons to “help police” the crime-ridden hellhole that is* Washington, D.C., which escalates the performative bullshit to DUMBCON 3.

Charlie further notes that Philip Bump, late of The Bezos Post, has assembled an interactive map “illustrating all the places in Ohio, West Virginia, and South Carolina that are actually more crime-ridden than Washington,” yet somehow muddle along with nothing heavier than the local coppers.

Parody throws its arthritic paws in the air and says, “Chieu hoi! I give.”

* Or is not.