Idiocracy 2026: Older but no wiser

“Ah, Jaysis, tell us he’s not at it again so. …”

What with having a drop taken and/or a mind wandering common on both branches of the family tree it behooves a fella from time to time to test-drive what remains of his wits, if any.

It struck me recently that for perfectly sound (har de har har) reasons I hadn’t done an episode of Radio Free Dogpatch since February 2025. But times pass and things change and people clearly aren’t getting any smarter, especially me.

So here we are so, dusting off what few of the mad skills I possessed only in theory not so very long ago and taking them for a spin around the old podcasting studio to see what falls off.

For openers, the 24-inch LG display that now supplements the 14-inch M4 MacBook Pro in my main office is no longer attached to the MacBook Pro in the studio, which is 10 years older and an inch smaller, displaywise, and I cannot recommend such a tiny stage for audio theater as senescence staggers forward, trying to remember where it left its spectacles (atop its head).

Auphonic is no longer a strictly free app, which failed to astonish me in this, the New Gilded Age, so creator and audience must deal with what they call a “Jingle” fore and aft. Jingle me bollocks, boys … I’ll be looking for some other way to give me chin music a tuneup before I next set it out on its street corner to busk for nothing.

Finally, Libsyn has gotten a makeover as well, but if you’re reading this you can be sure that I managed to negotiate their maze. An old ratoncito can still cut the cheese. Find the cheese! I meant find the cheese! Where the hell are my spectacles? Oh … never mind.

Could this be the start of something big? Probably not. Mostly I wanted to see if I could still get ’er done. Also, I was bored. Giving the old brain-box a wee scrape and a splash of paint is a fine way to stay out of the wind, which is full of allergens and other evil tidings. Extra credit to anyone who can find the Firesign Theatre reference in this mess.

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• Technical notes: RFD uses the Ethos mic from Earthworks Audio; Audio-Technica ATH-M50X headphones; Zoom H5 Handy Recorder; Rogue Amoeba’s Audio Hijack; Apple’s GarageBand, and Auphonic for a wash and brushup. Clip from Mike Judge’s “Idiocracy” lifted from YouTube. Booing crowd, kicked-in door, and Celtic tune from Freesound. “Out of Step,” which you’ve heard here before, comes from Audio Hero via Zapsplat. Special guest appearance from Miss Mia Sopaipilla, who despite a screechy meow is healthy as a horse as she approaches her 19th (!) birthday.

R.I.P., Robert and Jesse

Robert Duvall, climbing to the top in “Tender Mercies.”

Two stunning performers have left the stage: Robert Duvall and Jesse Jackson.

The two men were so very different in so many different ways — one a conservative white, born into an admiral’s family in San Diego; the other a liberal Black, spurned by birth father and stepfather in the segregated South — yet both came to immerse themselves completely in their respective roles, impatient with and often heedless of direction.

My favorite version of Duvall was Mac Sledge, the washed-up, alcoholic country singer-songwriter in the 1983 film “Tender Mercies.” He looked like post-Muskogee Merle Haggard and sounded like — well, like Robert Duvall if he’d gone outlaw with Willie and Waylon, because he sang the damn’ songs, after test-driving his pipes with a country band and motoring around East Texas “looking for accents,” according to The New York Times.

But Duvall likewise was top-notch — or maybe top gun — in “The Great Santini,” a 1979 movie based on the book of the same name by Pat Conroy. The titular character he portrayed, Marine fighter pilot Lt. Col. Wilbur “Bull” Meecham, reminded me very much of a certain Southern-fried Air Force colonel who flew C-47s out of New Guinea during World War II.

Duvall’s favorite role was that of Augustus McCrae, a crusty old ex-Texas Ranger in the 1989 TV miniseries “Lonesome Dove,” based on the Larry McMurtry novel … a revelation that weirded me right the hell out because that book is on my nightstand right now, as I’m between books I haven’t already read a few hundred times. Gus is right up there as characters go, and Duvall knew it.

“Let the English play Hamlet and King Lear,” he told interviewers, “and I will play Augustus McCrae, a great character in literature.”

Jackson had the misfortune of being the understudy to the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., and after King’s assassination he spent the rest of his life auditioning for that elusive starring role. Some in the Southern Christian Leadership Conference thought him a spotlight hog, and some outside the SCLC found him easy to caricature, especially the white folks who ran the big casino — though plenty of them stopped laughing after he turned in strong performances as a presidential candidate in 1984 and ’88.

He lost the nominations to Walter Mondale and Michael Dukakis, who went on to get beaten like rented mules by Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush, and Jackson gave up tilting at that particular windmill.

Jackson continued trying to remind America that there were choices other than wrong right, hard right, and centrist, though as The Times notes, “for all his rhetorical thunder the Democrats never fully embraced his vision of an unashamedly liberal party based not on the white middle class but rather on his coalition of poor and working-class people of all colors.”

More’s the pity.

I don’t remember who I voted for in 1984. I was in a union then, and it’s possible that I pulled the lever for the old commie Gus Hall, because after brief flirtations with the Socialist Workers Party, the October League and the Communist Party (M-L) I occasionally enjoyed being a red pain in the ass. And no way was I gonna vote for a Hollywood cowboy who wasn’t Robert Duvall.

Four years later I was all about Gary Hart, until he self-destructed, and then I caucused for Jackson, for all the good it did him. His people charged that Colorado slow-walked its count to give Dukakis a boost going into the Wisconsin primary, but in the end, Jackson lost the caucus and the nomination to Dukakis.

Later that year at the behest of political pals I worked one event for the Democratic candidate. The people his campaign sent to Denver proved to be outlandish assholes, so much so that I didn’t bother to vote come November. It seemed pointless, another dry well in a decades-long drought. Barack Obama was light-years away.

But Jackson didn’t give up. And neither did Duvall. Both continued to find roles to play, and both helped make our lives worth the price of admission. Peace to them, their families, fans, and friends.

Tempting fate

Uh oh. …

To a journalist, one day looks pretty much the same as any other.

There’s someone getting knifed, and someone doing the knifing, and someone writing up a short for the Metro page off the police report. Possibly you.

You work odd hours — say, 10 a.m. to 7 p.m., or maybe 1 p.m. to 10 p.m., or even 4 p.m. to whenever the press runs if you’ve gotten tired of writing up shorts for the Metro page and moved over to the copy desk, where almost nobody wears a tie and everybody drinks lunch. Your days off will be something like Tuesday and Wednesday, and odds are that you will clock in for at least 60 percent of the major holidays.

“So, it’s Friday, huh? Who gives a shit? I need art for the Metro page. Did the cops give up a mugshot of our slasher?”

Oh, wait: It’s not just Friday. It’s Friday the 13th.

Nobody really knows how Friday the 13th came to give everyone the willies bad enough to justify a dozen slasher flicks that grossed $908.4 mil’ at the box office. Wikipedia says maybe Loki being the 13th guest at a gods’ dinner party that went sideways had something to do with it, but that sounds like Martha Stewart pitching a project to Marvel Studios, and what great good fortune for the cinematic arts it would be if all the superhero franchises went to hell with Jason and stayed there.

Anyway, I decided to try my luck today and went for a trail run (13-minute miles), followed that up with three sets of 13 reps of each of the inconsequential resistance exercises I perform irregularly, and finally took a 13-minute shower. And what happened?

Herself and a visiting pal came back from a day of estate sales and lunch with three fat slices of cake — carrot, coffee, and chocolate cherry — to chase the remains of the pozole verde I made yesterday.

Looks like I’m forked.

Friday ‘news’ dump

“Epstein files … awaaaay!

It’s Shiny Object Day again at Der Orange Haus.

Hoping to distract the media from the masked, murderous ICEholes goosestepping around Minneapolis, His Excremency’s Injustice Department has ordered a massive dump of Epstein files — “more than 3 million pages of documents … as well as more than 2,000 videos and 180,000 images,” according to The Associated Press.

“I’m shocked! — shocked! — to find that perversion is going on in here!”

“Your underage victim, sir. …”

“Oh, thank you very much. …”

Thank you very much not at all, you oinking fucking swine. Here at El Rancho Pendejo we supply our own, wholesome pasatiempos.

Save for Monday, the weather has been suitable for cycling and running, which, yay. Soon as I post this mess I plan to get right back after it, too.

Between bouts of healthful outdoor exercise, “Mel Brooks: The 99-Year-Old Man” on HBO is a must-see, as is the Oscar-nominated “Train Dreams” on Netflix, though the adaptation of Denis Johnson’s novella doesn’t come close to challenging Mel in the yuks department.

After abandoning a second crack at the source material for another Oscar nominee — “Vineland,” by Thomas Pynchon, the inspiration for “One Battle After Another” — I’ve been reading “The Five Wounds” by Kirstin Valdez Quade, which has taken me on a backstage tour of my old stomping grounds around Española, N.M. My favorite restaurant from those days, El Paragua, gets a shout-out, as does Saints and Sinners. I took Herself to our first date at the former, where we later had our pre-wedding dinner, and once bought her a T-shirt from the latter.

So, no. We are not buying what these fascists are selling. Mel taught us how to deal with Nazis — by mocking them, savagely and relentlessly. He’s still at it. And so are we, though at times we wish we had his stamina.

And now I’m off for a ride. It feels like springtime out there right now. Not for Hitler, though. Especially if he’s just some half-baked orange understudy who can’t sing or dance worth a shit.

Humbugs and gasbags

The Wizard of Ooze. (Behind the curtain: Stephen Miller, Generalfeldmarschall, Twatwaffen SS.)

You will recall that Professor Marvel, a.k.a. the Wizard of Oz, traveled by gasbag.

His very distant cousin in humbuggery, the Wizard of Ooze, likewise gets around on hot air, with an assist from other people’s money.

But I don’t expect we’ll see him at the 2025 Albuquerque International Balloon Festival, which begins today. Oh, sure, there’s a golf center at Balloon Fiesta Park, with a driving range and a six-hole pitch-and-putt course. But there is a distinct lack of screening foliage and even the most myopic of Repuglicunts could see him improving his lie.

The Great and Powerful Ooze might send the ICEholes in his stead (darn those bone spurs!). What a fine addition to the spectacle that would be — fats with tats in masks and battle-rattle snatching up brown people and stuffing them into locked baskets beneath unmarked black balloons, to be spirited away to Kansas or someplace even worse, flanked by escorts of flying monkeys.

But I expect those boyos are busy too, lumbering after nekkid bike riders in Stumptown or the more easily caught deep-dish pizza in Chicago.

Eat up, fellas! And don’t worry about the legs on the black olives. Ramón says they’re free-range. Organic.