“We need to get to work for the American people. We need to get a Speaker as soon as possible. So instead of doing that I’m going to force vote after vote on my doomed wank-fest of a candidacy until whatever remains of the Marginally Sane Wing of the Republican Party hires undisputed WWE Universal Champion Roman Reigns to yank my head off and place it in a glass jar to be displayed at the House Rostrum as a warning to other self-serving sociopathic bomb-throwing nihilists who couldn’t pass a bill if it were taped to a football but nonetheless might seek the gavel.”
I’m starting to think Thor couldn’t pick up this hammer.
“We wants it, we needs it. Must have the Precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false!”
Gym Gollum (R-Wrestlemania) may not be getting his Precious after all.
The wizards in DeeCee hint darkly that his high-pressure tactics — enlist an army of orcs and goblins to screech at various members of the House of Reprehensibles, their families, friends, and house pets — did not constitute what we in the rasslin’ game call “a submission hold.”
Asked for comment, a spokescreature for Sauron the Terrible hissed: “It’s the Cracks of Doom for this bozo. He could fuck up a One Ring circus.”
Come autumn, the first part of the day is always the hardest — getting out of bed.
Hey, it’s dark out there, man. What am I, a farmer?
Stagger to the bathroom, dispose of the next item on the agenda, pull on some clothes — the past couple mornings, with temps in the low 40s, this means a T-shirt and lightly trail-shredded Patagucci joggers, not my ancient, decaying Columbia shorts — and shuffle into the kitchen to mumble “Hell’s goin’ on in here?” to Herself and Miss Mia Sopaipilla, who do not object to early rising and consider Your Humble Narrator a hopeless slacker.
Next there must be strong black coffee, and the morning news, which is mostly what you might expect from an afterlife peek at the front page of The Lake of Fire Cauldron-Inferno (“The Hell You Say!”).
A slice apiece of homemade whole-wheat toast with Irish butter and French jam helps soak up the acid (avoid those stomach ulcers, kids!). And then breakfast gets serious.
This time of year it’s likely to be hot oatmeal with a dash of brown sugar, maple syrup, cinnamon, dried fruit and nuts, plus a tall mug of tea. Yogurt, müesli, and smoothies are generally summertime fare, while eggs with taters and chicken sausage have been more of a lunch than a breakfast in recent years.
Just now as I was finishing my tea I heard a thunk! in the living room that couldn’t be attributed to an old house slowly warming as the sun peeks over the Sandias.
It was a dove taking a header into the picture window — they will do that, especially if the neighborhood Cooper’s hawk is clocked in and on the job — but this one apparently augured in without assistance.
Dazed, the bird squatted on the landscaping rocks, blinking like an old computer slowly booting up. Slowly, the frantic breathing became more regular; next, the head swung first this way, then that; and poof! Liftoff, straight up into the backyard maple.
No harm, no foul. Fowl? No, the sun may finally be up, but it’s still too early for cheap jokes.
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