Spanish cattle applaud Contador decision

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 18 Comments
Bossie DeVaca
"Time to moo-ve forward," says Bossie DeVaca.

A spokescow for the Ancient and Honorable Association of Spanish Beeves has applauded the final decision in the Alberto Contador case and suggests that her group may pursue a separate civil action.

The international Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS) on Monday handed down a two-year suspension for the six-time grand-tour winner, stripping him of his 2010 Tour de France title and all results and prizes since the January 2011 suspension was deemed to have taken effect, including his 2011 Giro d’Italia crown.

Speaking for the AHASB, Bossie DeVaca hinted that her organization might bring a libel case against Contador, who had blamed his clenbuterol positive on a supposedly tainted Spanish steak.

“He said we were full of clenbuterol,” said Ms. DeVaca, contentedly chewing her cud. “But now we know without a doubt that he is the one who is full of it.”

Pigskin? Nope — posole

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 15 Comments

My sources tell me there’s some class of sporting event going on today. “The Stupor Bowel,” or something like that.

There are no bicycles involved in the Stupor Bowel, which seems designed to paralyze the digestive tract with a one-two punch of grease and salt while clouding the mind with watery industrial lager and subliminal electronic commands to buy things you don’t need and can’t afford.

Fat Freddy enjoying football
Fat Freddy's cat cynically observes his staff at play. Click the thumbnail to see the entire Gilbert Shelton cartoon.

Some home viewers are said to prefer watching the ads that ostensibly support the “game,” a ritualized re-enactment of World War I trench warfare in which the gas attacks afflict the spectators rather than the combatants.

Here at Chez Dog the TV will remain in its usual mode — we call it “off” — and if the temperature ever rises above freezing I will patrol the neighborhood via bicycle. With all eyes glued to the tube this would be a perfect day for the Chinese to invade. Nobody would even notice  until they woke up chained to a table full of iPhone parts, with a biscuit, a cup of tea and an assembly manual written in Mandarin.

Herself, meanwhile, will pull the traditional Sunday shift as a volunteer at the Humane Society of the Pikes Peak Region, where everyone will no doubt have one eye on Animal Planet during Puppy Bowl VIII. There will be pigs on the sidelines, none of them named Newt (I hope).

Afterward we will enjoy a light repast of chicken enchiladas smothered in red chile, posole and pintos with chipotle, supported by a couple of fine craft beers recommended by tech editor Matt Wiebe of Bicycle Retailer and Industry News: Happy Camper IPA and Imperial Java Stout, both from the Santa Fe Brewing Co.

At no point will a cat be used as a football. Not even during halftime.

Making lemonade from a pair of bitter lemons

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 9 Comments
Rep. Earl Blumenauer
Rep. Earl Blumenauer and friend.

Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D-Ore.) sees a future for cycling, walking and transit in the House GOP’s relentless pursuit of the Ghosts of Transportation Past.

Speaking with Jonathan Maus of BikePortland.org, Blumenauer said advocates could use the GOP’s dismantling of bike-ped and transit programs as “a springboard” toward proving that bashing alternative forms of transportation “isn’t a freebie but there are costs and consequences. … That a community doesn’t work without transit, walking and biking.”

“For the first time in history we are part of a very impressive, broad coalition that is all pulling in the same direction,” he continued.

“We’ve got an administration that has been the most supportive in history and we’ve got facts on the ground. The work that has been done with the cycling community, to broaden the base, to deal with things like economic development and Safe Routes to School, it’s all there. …

“It’s a chance for us not just to beat back this bad legislation, but to educate elected officials.”

The Republican offensive against bike-ped and transit programs should trigger a national response, like the ones that have followed attacks on Planned Parenthood and public broadcasting, Blumenauer said.

“We’re going to see if the networks we’ve been building around the country translate into something,” he said. “If we do it right, I think we’ll come out of this stronger. If not, it could really complicate the next two years. Now’s the time to put the hammer down.”

Read more at www.BikePortland.org.

Anyone seen the fat lady?

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 7 Comments
Empty pint glass
One down, God only knows how many to go. ...

Following the long-standing tradition of admitting something you’d rather not on a Friday, preferably before some suitable, monumental time-suck of a distraction — like, say, the Super Bowl or a GOP presidential primary —  federal prosecutors have announced that they have dropped their investigation of Lance Armstrong and Co.

“This is great news,” said Armstrong factotum Marco Fabuloso.

“Uh oh,” said anyone who spoke candidly to the grand jury.

“@%&*#!!!” said anyone in the cycling press who was hoping for a relaxing weekend of base miles and pigskin-related debauchery.

And so that’s that. Right? Right?

Wrong.

“Unlike the U.S. Attorney, USADA’s job is to protect clean sport rather than enforce specific criminal laws,” said U.S. Anti-Doping Agency CEO Travis Tygart. “Our investigation into doping in the sport of cycling is continuing and we look forward to obtaining the information developed during the federal investigation.”

Oh, goody. The fat lady not only hasn’t taken the stage, she hasn’t even left the house yet. Is it too early to start fuckin’ drinkin’?

• Late update: My spidey-sense must have alerted me that this was coming. Earlier today I boxed up nearly 23 years worth of back VeloNewses and hauled them the hell out of my office, instantly tripling its square footage. Thank God I no longer have to work this train wreck. I can just enjoy watching the disembodied heads as they roll goggle-eyed down the tracks.