The waste land

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 2 Comments
Mia Sopaipilla auditions for the starring role in a feline take on the noir classic "The Meowtese Falcon."
Mia Sopaipilla auditions for the starring role in a feline take on the noir classic "The Meowtese Falcon."

T.S. Eliot was full of shit. “April is the cruellest month,” my large, pale Irish-American ass. So far, May in Bibleburg sucks like a New Orleans pumping station crosswired to a black hole.

It can’t even rain properly around here, f’chrissakes — just this mincing little dribble that reminds me of why I fled Oregon like a Norway rat rocketing out of a sewer pipe. Fog, gray skies, the temperatures barely above freezing, Mia toasting her bum on the DSL modem and Turkish begging to go out for reasons only known to himself. Maybe he’s sick of dried cat chow and dreams of catching a passing fish, if there are any with legs in these parts. Good luck — that species appears to be restricted to Darwin emblems affixed to Volvos.

Up in Crusty County, meanwhile, my man Hal Walter has taken on the swine whine with recommendations for reducing your vulnerability to marauding bugs. It boils down to reducing stress and eating properly, which is a lot cheaper than building a R. Buckminster Fuller geodesic dome with an airlock and enduring hourly rubdowns with Lysol.

What is to be done?

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 4 Comments
You want me to edit what?
You want me to edit what?

This being May Day, I should be writing some commie claptrap to show my solidarity with the downtrodden, but I’m just too goddamned tired. I swapped shifts in the velo-barrel with a comrade who was backed up against the wall of higher education and as things turned out there was a pile of pixels that needed pushing. The luck of the draw. I even had to speak to people on the phone and write down what they said for publication. Oh, the humanity. Making stuff up is ever so much easier.

At least we don’t have the swine flu. Not yet, anyway. The wine flu is a possibility come tomorrow morning, but we are spared the Revenge of the Pigs for now.

Meanwhile, Herself has returned from yet another road trip in the service of library science. This most recent excursion took her to the Stanley Hotel — yes, that Stanley Hotel, the one immortalized as the Overlook Hotel in Stephen King’s famous spine-tingler “The Shining.” The boogers didn’t get her, happily, but they did mess with her sleep by banging on the heater until she had to change rooms at (gasp) midnight.

Thumb and thumber

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 1 Comment

Y’know, it’s really pointless trying to write funny stuff for money when there’s so much hysterical free stuff already out there. Satire is a very poor second to the real deal. Case in point: Texts From Last Night. Some examples:

(859): im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever

(312): I’m peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?

(610): Where did you get a picture of my penis

(201): whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc

Thanks and a big thumbs up to The Aristocrats.

Of swine and pigs

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 11 Comments
Pat Oliphant on swine flu, circa 1976.

From our The More Things Change Etc. Department comes this cartoon by Pat Oliphant, circa 1976. This is not the first time the swine have sought revenge upon the long pigs for turning them into chops, bacon and green chile stew, and it won’t be the last.

In other news, the prez met the press again last night, and once again I was struck by how pleasant it is to hear an occupant of the Oval Office speaking in complete sentences free of pointless rancor, no matter how idiotic the question.

Speaking of idiots, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Bizarro World) seems to be out to take the title of Most Crazed Legislator from the Colorado delegation, renowned for heavyweight nutjobs like Tom Tancredo and Marilyn Musgrave. Notes Steve Benen at Political Animal in recounting Bachmann’s latest vacation from reality:

The economy under Coolidge was worse than the Great Depression? That’s pretty nutty. The New Deal created the Great Depression? That’s certainly yahooism at its finest.

But of particular interest is Bachmann’s belief that FDR passed “the Hoot-Smalley Act” and that “took a recession and blew it into a full-scale depression.” First, the name of the law was “Smoot-Hawley.” Second, it’s a real stretch to argue that it was responsible for the Great Depression. And third, the Smoot-Hawley bill was championed by Republicans and signed by Herbert Hoover, FDR’s Republican predecessor.

Bachmann is blaming FDR for a law sponsored by Republicans, which was implemented three years before he took office.

Perhaps Bachmann is thinking of the Hoot-Smalley Act, drafted by Hoot Gibson and Stuart Smalley, which created the Daily Affirmations 12 Step Program for Those Addicted to 12 Step Programs.

Gila monstrosity

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 10 Comments

I’ve never followed the Tour of the Gila in person, though I’ve written it up long-distance and edited other people’s on-site coverage. This year sounds like a good one to continue that tradition of maintaining a safe distance, since the UCI seems to have gotten all exercised about the idea of a trio of Astanas — Lance Armstrong, Levi Leipheimer and Chris Horner — toeing the start line at the start Wednesday in Silver City, New Mexico.

What transpired since the UCI nixed their appearance depends upon what you read, whom you believe and whether you trust the translations of what was said. But the long and the short of it seems to be that the promoter pitched a bitch, USA Cycling and the UCI spent a couple of days hunting an out, and hey presto! The ProTour Astana trio is cleared to race — not in Astana duds, but in kit from Mellow Johnny’s, Big Tex’s Austin bike shop.

The Continental Pro boys from BMC, meanwhile — who reportedly trucked the entire road show in, ready to race a full eight-man team — are likewise whittled down to a trio, one that can’t fly the BMC flag. Somehow I doubt they’ll be rocking the MJ kit in solidarity.

It all sounds like so much ice-cold horseshit to me. I’m with m’man Chris Horner, who told my colleagues at VeloNews: “It’s a pro race, you should be allowed to race your bike. If we are skipping ProTour races to do a non-ProTour event, then it makes sense. But you should never, never, never just not allow a rider to race his bike. … Every man should be afforded the right to work.”