Thanks to His Excremency King Piggy the Sticky-fingered, Despoiler of Poorboxes and Underage Girls, it is now possible for a 71-year-old cyclist with zero upper body to grip $150 worth of groceries in the left hand — yes, the one with the two dislocated digits — while opening the hatch of the Forester with the right.

Small wonder he croaked all the offshore wind farms. We have all the ill wind we need and then some.

If I’d known how my Golden Years would turn out, I’d have acquired more gold.