Posts Tagged ‘Lance Armstrong’

Anyone seen the fat lady?

February 3, 2012
Empty pint glass

One down, God only knows how many to go. ...

Following the long-standing tradition of admitting something you’d rather not on a Friday, preferably before some suitable, monumental time-suck of a distraction — like, say, the Super Bowl or a GOP presidential primary —  federal prosecutors have announced that they have dropped their investigation of Lance Armstrong and Co.

“This is great news,” said Armstrong factotum Marco Fabuloso.

Uh oh,” said anyone who spoke candidly to the grand jury.

“@%&*#!!!” said anyone in the cycling press who was hoping for a relaxing weekend of base miles and pigskin-related debauchery.

And so that’s that. Right? Right?


“Unlike the U.S. Attorney, USADA’s job is to protect clean sport rather than enforce specific criminal laws,” said U.S. Anti-Doping Agency CEO Travis Tygart. “Our investigation into doping in the sport of cycling is continuing and we look forward to obtaining the information developed during the federal investigation.”

Oh, goody. The fat lady not only hasn’t taken the stage, she hasn’t even left the house yet. Is it too early to start fuckin’ drinkin’?

• Late update: My spidey-sense must have alerted me that this was coming. Earlier today I boxed up nearly 23 years worth of back VeloNewses and hauled them the hell out of my office, instantly tripling its square footage. Thank God I no longer have to work this train wreck. I can just enjoy watching the disembodied heads as they roll goggle-eyed down the tracks.

Apocalypse now

July 7, 2010

There ain’t nothing like that first week of the Tour, boys and girls. And this has been a particularly bad first few days, what with various other chores coinciding with my need to work five days a week for three weeks at

After 20 years of cracking lame cycling gags I occasionally find myself with a nasty case of writer’s block, and wouldn’t you know it? This was one of those times. And me with deadlines at Bicycle Retailer & Industry News (two columns and a “Shop Talk” cartoon strip) and VeloNews (editorial cartoon).

Never get out of the fuckin' boat!

Never get out of the fuckin' boat!

I pushed the envelope so far it turned inside out, creating a wormhole that took me to an alternate universe containing a Patrick O’Grady who was still about half funny. Happily, when I showed up my dopplegänger was asleep under his drawing board with an empty bottle of tonsil polish in one limp paw (some things transcend time and space), so I appropriated his work and returned to my own universe just in time to beat my deadlines.

But is this my universe? Lance Armstrong is not winning the Tour — far from it, he sits in 18th place, 2:30 behind Fabian Cancellara, and is getting heckled by spectators calling him “dopehead” and “cheat.” And Mark Cavendish is getting his ass handed to him in the sprints. The renowned sprinter Andy Schleck has more points than Cav’, f’chrissakes.

Shit. I should’ve listened to Chef. “Never get out of the boat.” Not even to beat a deadline.