Take me up; cast me away

Behold Exchequer, given to me by the Lady of the Other Home Office, on the condition that I fulfill any request she might make, the first and foremost of these being that I not use this magical weapon to acquire any more expensive, useless bullshit, f’chrissakes, can you do that for me, hon’? Pretty please?

Another Black Friday passeth without my being compelled by bitter circumstance and/or simple covetousness to draw the mighty card, Exchequer, from its ripstop scabbard. The realm remains unencumbered by debt and grails.