Posts Tagged ‘Monty Python’

Stations of the Double Cross

October 31, 2019

One more step along the way for Cheezwhiz Heist.

He’ll probably get away with crucifixion. Yeah. First offense.

 

It’s Mueller Time

July 25, 2019

“Is your president, uh, a goer, eh? Know what I mean, know what I mean, nudge nudge, nudge nudge, know what I mean, say no more, know what I mean?”

OK, so Live Update Guy is no more, but it is Tour time, and goddamnit, I had to work a Monty Python clip into this mess sometime.

Bring out your dead

October 31, 2018

That’ll be ninepence. And a happy Halloween to you.

And now for something completely different

October 29, 2018

“‘Ee’s makin’ it up as ‘ee goes along!”

When I went to check the forecast this morning Weather Underground served me up an ad for bipolar-depression medication. Judging by the list of side effects, which ran longer than the CGI credits in a Marvel superhero flick, anyone prescribed it will soon be longing for the good old days of bipolar depression.

Clearly, with another Monday hanging over our heads like a 16-ton weight, what we need here is a solid dose of the best medicine: laughter.

Thus, for your amusement and/or bemusement, we have a twofer from Marc Maron, who last week chatted with John Cleese and Eric Idle, and a New York Times Q&A with Jerry Seinfeld, who basically channels a Cleese line from “Life of Brian” when he says of their shared line of work in troubled times: “We’re figuring it out as we go along.”

• A Cellar’s Market: Speaking of troubled times, the Comedy Cellar, where Louis C.K. has been inching back into the spotlight, is getting into late-night TV on Comedy Central. The piece is worth reading for the gags about Megyn Kelly and Il Douche.

• Wot’s All This Then? And finally, Netflix is airing a ton of Monty Python, from the original TV show to the movies to the various Pythons’ side projects.

Orange crush?

August 21, 2018

His Lardship on the throne.

For all the Trumpetistas who are having trouble reading the tea leaves, in the words of Mandy Cohen, mother of Brian of Nazareth:

“Now you listen ’ere! ‘Ee’s not the Messiah, ’ee’s a very naughty boy! Now go away!”

Don’t touch that dial

May 6, 2016
Your Giro is important to us. Please continue to hold.

Your Giro is important to us. Please continue to hold.

Charles Pelkey advises that we are enjoying “technical difficulties” at Live Update Guy as the 2016 Giro d’Italia gets under way with a pan-flat, 9.8km individual time trial in the Netherlands.

There. Now you know as much as I do. More as I hear it.

In the meantime, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, which it seems is the only way these days to get the jaded, video-sated public off their fucking arses and back in the sodding Live Updates. Family entertainment? Bollocks! What they want is filth: People doing things to each other with chainsaws during Tupperware parties, babysitters being stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates, vigilante groups strangling chickens, armed bands of theater critics exterminating mutant goats. Where’s the fun in LUGgery? Oh, well, there we are. Here’s the theme music. Goodnight.

• Update: We’re live. Pop on by and say, Ciao.”

There’s some lovely filth down here

March 2, 2016

“Listen, strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords, is no basis for a system of government.”

Y’know, actually, it’s sounding pretty good to me right now.

It’s only a model

July 6, 2014

I think I’ve figured out how the Limeys Yorkies have managed to turn out these insane crowds for the Tour.

Prime Minister David Cameron conspired with industry to simultaneously lay everybody off and evict them from their flats, then gave each of the poor sods a free pint and told them, “Right, you lot, now go stand over there and yell at the nice cycle fellows, and we’ll give you another.”

The smart money in today’s nine-climb quad-snapper was on Peter Sagan, but he was unwilling to chase down his pal Vincenzo Nibali in the finale, and thus we have Nibbles in The Big Shirt and his buddy Wolverine in the green, and also the white.

Charles Pelkey and I were at it again over to Live Update Guy, but I wasn’t able to chime in often, having other chores and not being much of a multitasker.

I did, however, contribute a couple bits of trivia: Mr. F.G. Superman, a.k.a. Bicycle Repairman, a.k.a. Michael Palin of Monty Python, is a native of Sheffield, where today’s stage concluded. Also, the comedy “The Full Monty” was about a clot of idle steelworkers turned stripper in that very same town.

Tomorrow brings a 155km stage from Cambridge to London that looks like one for the sprinters. And on Tuesday, the Tour finally gets round to visiting France for stage 4, a 163.5km leg from Le Touquet-Paris-Plage to Lille Métropole with a couple of category-4 climbs.

Wednesday is crunch day. Nine sectors of cobbles along the 155.5km road from Ypres to Arenberg-Porte du Hainaut will separate the sheep from the goats. Everybody must get stoned.

LUG nuttery

July 2, 2014

OK, so it’s not exactly a Monty Python reunion, but Charles Pelkey and I are getting the band back together to provide live updates of the Tour de France starting Saturday.

Yes, that’s right, Live Update Guy rides again! There will be snark, limericks, cheap shots, haiku, bad manners, references to obscure skits from The Firesign Theatre and the aforementioned Pythons, ad hominem attacks that fall just millimeters short of actual libel, cameo appearances by The Fat Guy singing his hit single “It’s Over,” heavily moderated comments from our heavily medicated audience, and occasional bits about the actual bike race.

Counselor Pelkey will get the ball rolling at stupid-thirty every morning, and I’ll pop around 7-ish to get things wrong, make fart noises and otherwise contribute to lowering his intellectual property values.

If they allow you computer access in your particular state-run institution of license-plate manufacture and/or Edison-medicine application, surf on by and say howdy. How bad could it be?

Welcome to the working week

July 22, 2013

It’s Monday. Know how I can tell? There’s a plumber in the driveway and my Visa card just spontaneously combusted.

One of the few downsides to living in an old neighborhood like ours is that the plumbing is even older than the residents. I think Hammurabi laid the original pipe, and the Romans handled most of the maintenance (But other than that, what have the Romans ever done for us?) until the Vandals came along and ensured that the pumps would no longer work by appropriating the handles.

Anyway, the lone bathtub at The House Back East™ has become something of a wading pond, and a plumber is over there panning for gold as we speak. I expect he’ll find some.