Posts Tagged ‘Roll Massif’

Droll Massif

March 12, 2019

We used to roll massif Back in the Day®. But that was when ditch weed went for $10 per lid.

These crazy kids today. Riding the goddamn bicycle used to be good enough for us — it was painful, and unrewarding, and we liked it! — but in these days of modern times it has to come wrapped up in organic, free-trade hemp paper and PBA-free ribbons with a non-GMO cherry on top.

You got your sportives, your 24-hour mountain-bike events, and your gravel races. And now you got your Roll Massif, which sounds like Bob Roll in the off-season but isn’t.

What it is, is a Colorado combo platter with all three main items, but without beans, rice and tortilla.

I gotta admit, it kinda sounds like … sounds like … like … OK, all right, fun! It sounds like fun! There! I said it! Happy?

More fun than sitting indoors in Albuquerque, watching the wind blow the rain to Kansas, anyway. That shit is boring.

When we got bored on the copy desk we’d start making stuff up. Not for publication, unless the slot man was drunk, asleep or both, but just for giggles. Bogus horoscopes. Fake AP stories. That sort of thing. It was the journalistical equivalent of a cup check. Occasionally someone’s cup runneth’d over and that shit made the paper, but it wasn’t our fault. We may have been drunk, but we weren’t asleep.

So, since the slot man took the buyout, bought a van, and relocated down to the river, here are some Roll Massif riffs for anyone who thinks wax is for chains, not moustaches.

I mean, Jesus, what’s next, hipsters? A 24-hour gravel sportive for e-bikes? Get the hell off my lawn, sonny.

The Droll Massif

• Roll Massif. What’s hidden, and not very well, either, under a master racer’s Assos bibs.

• Jelly Roll Massif. The Fat Guy on a fat bike.

• Raul Massif. The Fat Guy’s Mexican alias, used when he sneaks over the border for some pan dulce auténtico. Incidentally, he thinks a “Roll Massif” comes from Cinnabon.

• Rule Massif. “Bring your own food on the ride,” sayeth the Fat Guy. “I’m serious. I need all six of those Clif Bars just to get out of the garage.”

• Bull Massif. A bunch of Mad Dogs bragging about how they could crush the Roll Massif if only some generous forklift operator would pry them off the couch.

• Bowl Massif. A “Lebowski” sequel featuring The Fat Guy, who would consider playing Walter Sobchak a Role Massif.

• Troll Massif. Ridiculing someone’s Roll Massif performance on Twitter before the ride has even started.

• Droll Massif. Not taking the Roll Massif seriously enough to placate a Troll Massif.

• Hole Massif. A puncture in your 650b x 2.1s that the sealant won’t resolve.

• Stroll Massif. A double Hole Massif with no spare tubes.

• Toll Massif. Ask not for whom the Massif tolls. It tolls for thee.