Posts Tagged ‘RomneyBot 2012’

Foreign affairs

October 23, 2012
The path to Fountain, Oct. 20, 2012

No, this is not a pleasant rural road — this is a bike path between Bibleburg and Fountain.

Monday served up one helluva wild ride on the Schadenfreude Express.

It began with Texus Maximus going all minimus, from seven Tour de France victories down to two stage wins and a 36th-overall finish in 1995. And it ended with LL Cool Prez making a punk and a chump out of the RomneyBot v2.012, which came off looking like it would get laughed out of a Know-Nothing primary for a school-board seat in Stumpbroke, Mississippi.

The Cyclist Who Shall Not Be Named (TCWSNBN) was always a poor winner and a worse loser, and it must’ve really stung to be called out from the pulpit by Fat Paddy, that braying, gray-flannel bag of porter farts.

Always one to insist that the UCI’s glossy image remain untarnished, via defamation lawsuit if necessary, the blustering bog-trotter took a respite from casting out the big yellow devil to call Tyler Hamilton and Floyd Landis “scumbags.” Before the word had finished leaving his flapping piehole a thousand lawyers had offered their services to the two whistleblowers, and I will be surprised if the suits weren’t filed before the echoes died.

TCWSNBN will need his own army of shysters going forward, as everybody and his granny wants a refund with interest — Amaury Sports Organization, SCA Promotions, the Sunday Times and pretty much anyone who bought his books, bracelets or bullshit. And there’s that dormant federal inquiry, which could wake up if the U.S. attorney suddenly grows a pair.

In point of fact, there was no shortage of shoe leather being applied to the fallen idol over the course of what must have been a very long day indeed. It was only fair, since he was rarely shy about getting his own Nikes into prostrate rivals when he was on top. There’s no point in putting someone on the deck if you’re not going to give them the boot. It’s American as fraud, coercion, intimidation, bribery and perjury.

Speaking of boots, LL Cool Prez kicked the RomneyBot’s ass so hard that it will be tasting shoe leather until Election Day. I was all for skipping this final debate, but Herself insisted on watching, and I’m glad we did, if only to enjoy the ‘Bot’s stammering and sweating. For a while it looked like its hair was pissing on its head to keep its positronic brain from catching fire.

Whether the drubbing will have any effect remains to be seen. Elsewhere on TV highly paid professionals were playing with their balls and Herself and I may have constituted the entire PBS audience. Still, we enjoyed ourselves. I thought at one point that the prez might just lean back, park his dogs on the desk, lace his fingers behind his head, and let the ‘Bot keep digging its own political grave. “Keep it up, never mind me, you’re doing just fine.”

Today it’s back to business as usual. Apple is unleashing a few more must-have toys for anyone who still has a job, the Tour is preparing to announce the route of its centenary event, and I plan to get in one more long ride before the weather goes south.

Not-so-wise crack

October 22, 2012

This just in: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has recalled Mitt Romney’s magic underwear as defective. Apparently it shows too much asshole and not enough balls.


October 16, 2012

The prez did the RomneyBot v2.012 tonight the way Susan Calvin did Herbie in Isaac Asimov’s “Liar,” from “I, Robot.”

Except, of course, the RomneyBot will continue to speak.


October 1, 2012

How the hell did it get to be October already? Herself and I were just enjoying some adult beverages on the back deck, watching the critters gambol on the lawn, and had to beat it indoors before the sun had truly set because we were freezing our whatsises off (of course, anyone wearing shorts and sandals on Oct. 1 deserves to freeze his or her whatsis off).

We had to fortify ourselves with largish glasses of Domaine Vindemio, a powerful red from Ventoux. Then I put the last of the green chile stew on the range. The low tonight could dip into the 30s and for that one needs green chile and red wine.

Come Wednesday, of course, we will need distilled sustenance — tequila, single-malt Scotch or a solid hit of uisce beatha from the auld sod. El Prezbo and the RomneyBot v2.012 square off that evening for their first debate, in Denver, and there is no way I can possibly watch that sucker stone cold sober. (See Charles P. Pierce for a guide on how to watch a presidential debate.)

The RomneyBot is in full kernel panic, crashing and rebooting and giving off a strong whiff of ozone, and it wouldn’t surprise me at all to see him in mid-flail offer Obama a couple of billion to move out of the White House and set himself and the family up in style elsewhere.

iBike 2012: Bibleburg to Flagstaff

September 18, 2012
One of my favorite spots in Santa Fe. Or anywhere else, come to think of it.

One of my favorite spots in Santa Fe. Or anywhere else, come to think of it.

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. (MDM) — There’s nothing quite like listening to Bach’s “Art of the Fugue” while motoring through the New Mexican desert, flipping the bird to Mitt Romney billboards.

I made the usual stops en route — Ten Thousand Waves, which as usual was awesome; and Second Street Brewery, which oddly was not (I guess everyone has a bad day coming, and theirs was Sunday night).

As I barreled westward the CD player spared me the news that the RomneyBot v2.012 had managed to waffle-stomp its electronic pecker again. I didn’t catch up on that action until I came within range of KNAU just outside Flagstaff, and may I say that it’s always pleasant to have one’s worst suspicions confirmed?

The guy called slightly less than half the country a shiftless bunch of jigaboos, beaners and white-trash layabouts who while away the hours sleeping off a drunk in their Cadillacs until it’s time to cruise down to the welfare office and harvest a bale of feddle-gummint money before getting their gold tooth polished at the Mayo Clinic.

The janitors at the Republican National Committee must have had a hell of a time sweeping up all the hair on the floor after that pail of mierda hit the abanico. But I bet they were whistling while they worked.

RomneyBot’s Mendacity Engine working overtime

September 12, 2012

There is nothing about which Mitt Romney will not lie. Not even the murder of a U.S. ambassador and the current president’s response to the crime.

Kevin Drum has the nuts and bolts of it (heavy on the nuts). Read it and weep, because this asshole could be the next resident of the Oval Office if we’re not careful.

Consider the firestorm of outrage had it been a Democratic candidate who had the effrontery to cobble together this shameless political attack out of whole cloth after four of our ambassadors were killed while serving the nation abroad. Home Depot would sell out of pitchforks, torches and rope before Denny’s served its first Grand Slam of the morning.

Robot-Zombie 2012

August 11, 2012

The RomneyBot v2.012 has picked Charlie Pierce’s “zombie-eyed granny-starver,” Paul Ryan, to be its running mate. And as usual, Mr. Pierce nails both the timing of the announcement and what it means.

Meanwhile, the fine folks at Political Animal remind us of Ryan’s pedigree and plans for us:

Ed Kilgore says the RomneyBot’s choice “makes the task of exposing Mitt Romney’s agenda for the future of the country — already mortgaged to the conservative movement as the price of his nomination — vastly easier.”

• Ryan Cooper revives Jonathan Chait’s profile of the ZEGS in New York magazine.

• And James Fallows, writing for The Atlantic, calls it a “good” choice, but reminds the press corps to avoid terming Ryan’s crackpottery “serious.”

Over at The Maddog Blog, meanwhile, PA alum Steve Benen says the RomneyBot’s pick means voters will be voting not on whether the Obama administration has been a success, but on the right-wing ass-hattery of the Robot-Zombie “vision.”

And at Mother Jones, David Corn says Ryan is the GOP vice-presidential candidate of Obama’s dreams.

Myself, I’d caution against overconfidence in the analytical ability of the American electorate, which has shown a disturbing hunger for the taste of bullshit in recent election cycles. Plenty of people heehawed at the notion of a faux-redneck trouser stain from Texas making it to the White House, as you may recall.

More as I unearth it.

Another Tuesday, another primary

February 28, 2012

If this is Tuesday, then it must be another GOP primary, and the race between the sweater-vestmented reincarnation of Torquemada and a Terminator built on spec’ by a couple of laid-off Rambler mechanics has been too close to call.

But tonight there will be a winner and … a winner?

Rick Sanctimonious’ handlers are already on record as saying that they’ve won in Michigan and Arizona, regardless of whether their man actually wins.

Which he won’t — not in Arizona, anyway, where CNN called it for the RomneyBot 2012 before I finished my second beer this evening.

Michigan apparently remains up for grabs, in no small measure because anyone can play in the GOP primary there, and the Donks are queering the pitch by turning out for Frothy Mix, who has encouraged their participation against the RomneyBot 2012 via the irony of robocalls.

Some Donks think Torquemada v2.0 will be easier for the prez to flog in the general; others clearly have been driven completely insane by seeing these two wealthy honkies crisscrossing the state like gold-plated drones, each claiming to speak for the working man.

I probably won’t follow this nightmare to its conclusion this evening because there won’t be one. The Four Stooges will battle on through Super Tuesday at least, and there will be plenty of opportunity to bring the snark between now and then.

In the meantime, here’s the current occupant of the Oval Office addressing the United Auto Workers Annual Conference. Say what you will about the guy — he makes the rest of the applicants for the job look like the Deltas overestimating their popularity with Otis Day and the Knights in “Animal House.” *

* And yes, I know that the GOP lot are much more Omega Theta Pi than Delta Tau Chi. I was just reaching for the whole getting-your-privileged-ass-kicked thing.

• Late update: The nets have called Michigan for the RomneyBot as well. Gold-plated human-cyborg-relations droids everywhere cheer.