Tag: The Pestilence

’13 means shit and bad luck’

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 11 Comments
Glass don’t be even half full, yo.

You can read all 13 pages of the document, “Analysis of Colorado River Basin Storage Suggests Need for Immediate Action,” or cut to the chase at John Fleck’s blog.

Either way, your reaction is likely to be, “Oh, shit.”

Water consumption in the [Colorado River] Basin continues to outpace the natural supply, further drawing down reservoir levels. While Basin State representatives pursue the elusive goal of a workable and mutually acceptable set of post-2026 operating rules, our review of the latest Bureau of Reclamation data shows that the gap between ongoing water use and the reality of how much water actually flows in the Colorado River poses a serious near-term threat. Another year like the one we just had on the Colorado River would nearly exhaust our dwindling reserves. …

A solution can’t wait for a long-term agreement among the states. It may be difficult, if not impossible, for the Basin States to take such short term action. That reality puts the onus on the Department of the Interior to act.

The Department of the Interior? Led by former North Dakota governor Doug Burgum, a fossil-fuelish kind of fella who briefly ran against the Pestilence, then kowtowed to it, and worked with his former rival’s campaign to develop its energy policy?

Talk about shit and bad luck. Oh, god … oh, shit. …

Looks just like a penis, only smaller

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 30 Comments
“It’s down here somewhere. …”

The Pestilence has been diagnosed with Chronic Penis Insufficiency*, which should surprise approximately no one.

According to the usually fabricated sources his condition has become so dire that two aides are compelled to help him find it come time to pee.

As the first sprinkles pepper into his unzipped trousers, the second stands at the ready, holding a powerful magnifying glass and tweezers. When the little fella reveals its location by sneezing, the second aide spots it with the glass, grabs it with the tweezers, and aims it at the gold-plated toilet.

Mission accomplished!

It’s a process both delicate and cumbersome, as the two aides are immediately fired, gagged with NDAs, and deported to Lower Spaminacanistan before they can run giggling to the press. And thus replacements must be found. Repeat ad infinitum.

*Oh, pardon me. He has chronic venous insufficiency, not the other thing. As far as we know. …