Are you ready for some football?

Trying to add to my limited stores of cultural literacy, I switched the idiot-box controller from “video” to “TV,” manipulated the rabbit ears and plunked down in the rocker for a Sunday afternoon’s worth of Entertainment, American Style — the NFL on CBS, starring the Denver Broncos vs. the Oakland Raiders.

That lasted, oh, about 10 minutes.

Judas Priest, how can people watch this crap? Every other play was punctuated by three or four minutes of ads for wee-wee drugs, fast cars, watery beer, bad TV, worse movies and pricey electronic gizmos (including the new BlackBerry Storm, a Verizon-only iPhone rival).

And you know it’s only gonna get worse from Black Friday onward as panicked retailers start discounting this, that and the other in hopes of getting us to retrieve the Visa cards from cold storage, march down to the mall and do what Americans do best — buy a whole shitload of stuff they don’t need and can’t afford.

I’m no different. I like toys. Ask Herself, she’s keeping a list, and that sucker is longer than the original manuscript for Jack Kerouac’s “On the Road.” There’s another guy who had trouble controlling his appetites.

But I’m trying really hard to be sensible these days.

“Hi, I’m Patrick, and I’m a shopaholic.”

“Hi, Patrick!”

I have not rushed out and bought an iPod Touch, or an iPhone, even though I know Steve Jobs may have to start wearing mock black turtlenecks if I continue to refuse the Kool-Aid. A Honda Element does not, as yet, darken my doorway. I haven’t even augmented the Mad Dog arsenal, though the local militia seems convinced that Obama is coming for our guns and it’s time to buy buy buy before the blue helmets leap out of the black helicopters onto our brownish lawns.

10 Responses to “Are you ready for some football?”

  1. Jef Says:

    O’Grady, when you’re ready to drink the Kool-Aid, I highly recommend the Element! We can get 2 ‘cross bikes, team tent, bike rack, chairs, heaters, gear bags, and one 80+ pound dog in/on it! They’re ugly as sin, but just as much fun. Make sure you get the EX package – good stereo system!

  2. Bill W Says:

    I grew up going to pro sporting events weekly in Chicago then in Dallas in the 80’s. Then something happened, the bicycle took over the weekends. I don’t get to ride as much as I’d like right now but one thing I can no longer do is watch any game on TV. I can go to a game now and then but I cannot sit and watch one on the box.

    I want one of them Elements but I am still driving the 89 chevy pickup I bought in 89 and it only has 144k on it. The last vehicle I had lasted for 250k so at that rate it will be about 2020 when I get another new car. I did take wifey for a test drive in an Element hoping she would replace the her van with one. No luck.

  3. James Says:

    Sad to say, PO’G, but football does not the entertainment make. Try switching over to the ‘real’ game. Nothing like 90 minutes of fun, fun, fun only interrupted by a 15 minute detour to sell you crap. Granted, it might not meet the ‘nited States’ fascination with ‘exciting 41-39’ games, but if you are lucky you may pick up an appreciation for Clamato, XX, and Modelo. “GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!”

  4. Tim Says:

    Dude… as a fellow Macophile and new toy aficionado, I say “Get The iPhone”…resistance is futile!. Ditch that Samsung piece of crap. No worries about how to download your photos from your phone, and lots of cool free apps. Built-in GPS that actually works; e-mail, Wi-Fi, 3G web access. I tried to resist, honest, but now I’m fully in the cult!.

  5. SteveO' Says:

    James: Soccer on TV? That’s like riding a stationary bicycle. Soccer was made to be watched live, surrounded by drunks speaking languages you’ve never head before. And if you don’t leave with a black eye, you’re not cheering hard enough.

    Kind of funny how everyone wants stuff, but no one wants the same stuff. Lordy… we cleaned out some shelves in the basement to make room for stuff from upstairs that needs to go into the basement… because… well, we can’t throw it away, because we might NEED it someday. Anyway, pulled out an ActionPacker full of old computer schitte… like Iomega ZipDrives and other garbage that I guarantee you will never see the light of day again. A Wacom tablet that I just knew would replace my mouse… a HandSpring that I absolutely needed… the horror, the horror…

  6. SteveO' Says:

    And now on to really important matters…

    Patrick, what’s the plan for Thanksgiving? Traditional fare or wild hair action?

    We’re going for carboh and tryptophan overload: turkey breast with stuffing, a spiral ham, garlic smashed taters, sweet potato gratin (see Bitten in the Times), a breaded cauliflower/broccoli combo you do on the stove (because at this point there’s no more room in the oven), my world famous spiced cranberry chutney (cranberry and cayenne… who knew?), some biscuit thing my wife does with sage and too much butter (bake ’em ahead of time, heat ’em up when you take the bird out), and the standard desserts.

    BV Coastal Sauv Blanc that tips the scale at $9 a bottle, so I can drink twice as much. Colorado’s Sutcliffe Vinyards Syrah, which I haven’t tried yet, but someone told me it was palatable and lets me ease my conscience of “buying local” guilt. And for the in-laws, a six pack of Palisade’s Farmer’s Friend Irish Ale, which is so-so but has a cool label.

    Your turn…

  7. khal spencer Says:

    Hi, Patrick. I too am an admitted shopaholic. But as much as I try to avoid buying crap, there is always more crap to buy. Such as the two rims I bent and need to replace after hitting a pothole while sightseeing through Southern New Mexico….Yech….

    Now, when those rims are paid for….there’s the matter of that five buck garage-sale telescope waiting for 75 bucks in parts….

    Happy Turkey day to all. Esp. all those turkeys out there.

  8. Tony Says:

    I’ve driven the Element, and I wouldn’t trade my Forester for it. Ever. The Element may fit a ton of stuff, but you and your stuff will get blown all over the road. That thing is about as light as a can of cheap beer w/o the beer.

  9. James Says:


    Maybe I failed to mention the fact that the only footie I watch is in a bar, which sans my own boob-tube (see where this is going?) is a necessity. And since the plethora of decent pubs are in the ‘hood, a few fine pints, a little “Chelsea are a bunch of pansies!” and you too can get the beloved black eye.

    Except that no self-respecting Blues fan knows a) how to throw a punch, b) what to do when accused of being a pansy (since they … oh nevermind) and c) no time at the pub is complete without at least some ‘friendly’ banter. Besides the occasional slur, what am I going to watch at the pub? Bike racing? In November? Yeah, right….not in ‘merica.

    Letting the freak flg fly, Go Reds!!!!

  10. SteveO' Says:

    In 48 hours, my brother will step onto the pitch at Old Trafford. I sent him a Colorado Rapids t-shirt last Christmas… he sent me back a picture of himself cleaning the toilet with it.

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