That’s a phrase I lifted from Richard Russo’s “The Risk Pool,” and I use it to describe any day when the League of Small Hat Sizes is out in force. Like today.
I cheated death a thousand times during an hourlong bike ride this morning, dodging oblivious asshats of all stripe and color. There was the mountain biker in the Pearl Izumi Colorado license-plate jersey who rolled out of the little BMX park and onto the trail right in front of me without so much as a glance over his shoulder. The recreational rider who apparently never consults the mirror attached to his glasses; had he glanced at it, he would have seen me behind him on a winding section of trail, and thus not been surprised when I announced my presence and intention to pass once the trail straightened out.
But the champeen was the bonehead peckerwood driving the bottle-blue Sixties-era Caddy. You remember those bad boys — the blocklong science-fiction jobs with more fins than Sea World? This fucktard rolls his Cadoo right through a stop sign and negotiates one of those leisurely, Queen Mary-docking-style left-hand turns that would have put me straight into the curb if I hadn’t been prepared for him to do exactly what he did (some of these guys you can read like a comic book).
So I holler, “Oi!” Nothing. No swiveling head, no acknowledgment of my presence or his error. And believe me, my voice carries. Silly shit must be deef as a post, I thought, falling into line behind him.
He does likewise on the next stop sign, turning right this time, and now it’s clear I’m going to have to follow this smelly gas hog for a few blocks if I want to take the usual route home because he isn’t exactly giving those 390 cubes a solid workout.
Then on Wood Avenue, he abruptly pulls to the curb without signaling and I get one of those real bad feelings. I hit the binders just as he executes an unsignaled U-turn directly into my path, and this time I really crank up the volume, to 11 on a scale of 10: “Hey, Chief, WHAT THE FUCK!”
Nothing. No reaction at all. He just motors on off in the other direction at about 15 mph, looking for someone less alert to run over. It was like watching a big blue shark switching lazily about, casually interested in finding something to eat.
Mad Blog Media 
I hear you,Pat. Happens all the time in the Detroit area. I guess since we used to be the “Motor City”, it’s OK to motor on over people on bikes. I’m tired of being treated like I have no “right” to be on public roads. If it’s not blue land yachts, it’s the blue hair’s driving them….. (My apologies to any competent senior drivers that may have been offended by that crack.) I’m just glad the cops around here ride bikes, so they get to experience the BS first hand.
Hey Patrick… Come over to the westside and you can get doored, run over or sideswiped by tourists in the garden. While it may be illegal to text while driving it evidently is still perfectly legal to take photo’s while driving.
Rush Carter
CS West Bikes
You could be riding here in TX where if there is someone stopped at a 4 way stop beside you (multiple lanes) you can go even if the other car got there first, nevermind what is on the other side of said car. I was on the other side of the car in the inside lane trying to cross when my turn came up (shoulda just run the stop sign, wouldn’t have been any more dangerous). I admonished the driver that additional education was required on her part, only not in such genteel terms (more like “Hey! Learn how to drive Bitch!”)
At least the fuckwad is driving his land yacht at 15 mph. In New Mexico, you can be run down by a drunk or inattentive driver barreling down on you at 55 mph. At least its over fast, as one of our Bombtown cyclists found out recently. Still no news on where this investigation is headed.
http://newsextras.wordpress.com/2009/07/07/bicyclist-hit-by-motorist-%E2%80%93-3rd-update/
To those oblivious people on the road, we are all just extras in their little drama of life.
The thing that struck me about this guy was his complete and utter lack of awareness as to what was taking place around him and his big blue boat. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.
I went back afterward to track him down to his lair, but no soap. He must garage that beast. Dude had the air of a man driving his rig to keep the battery charged, and a hint of dementia. I’m gonna keep looking. This sucker is a rolling road hazard.
Does CO have a law that allows you to report this person the state’s DMV? Because if he was suffering from dementia, he might not be allowed to drive. And in the event that he does drive, his family may be liable for any and all damages. If you find his car, report it. If not, still report it. You might be surprised that he has a record. And with proof of his behavior you may get him off the road.
It’s narcissism in the “nanny state” of USA. Time for people to take responsibility for their actions. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I was an Army Brat who was always taught “there’s no excuse” for any action that causes harm to others. (Unless it’s a mortal enemy.) And if you stop (or back up) in a doorway or a road, you will be killed. Keeps me moving at 90% of LT most of the time.