The notorious Bill “Billy B.” Baughman, a.k.a. Big Bill McBeef, was honored this evening at a reunion of his former cellmates who gathered over cheap wine and even cheaper jokes to recall their deep and often infectious relationship with the doddering old pervert in honor of what he claims is only his 60th birthday.
The highlight of the evening was this faded photograph of Billy B. surrendering to the authorities on a felony charge of Selling The Irish Weed Trimmers That Will Not Start Unless Billy B. Is Starting Them For You, You Drunken Mick, You. The snapshot was a keepsake provided by Patrick “Mad Dog” O’Grady, a former weed-trimmer customer and bunkmate who is believed to have been the first to “turn him out,” as the jailhouse parlance puts it.
“He got out in front of me on that weed-trimmer deal, but after that I only ever seed him from behind,” guffawed O’Grady, clapping Baughman on the back, which is yet another truly filthy and juvenile gag and one which goes just about as far as we need to take this particular line of humor this evening.
The truth is, Bill and I have spent a lot of time chasing each other around on bikes since the early 1990s, and if I only saw him from behind, well, it was because I could never catch the sprightly sonofabitch. A happy belated birthday to you, Bill, and may you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you’re dead. Slainte.
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