Ever look up an old friend only to discover that s/he had undergone some hellish transformation? Grown bald or fat, turned screechy right-wing Bible-thumper, or (gasp) given up strong drink?
Then you’ll know how I felt on Friday when Big Bill McBeef and I rode Highway 115 south of Bibleburg.
Back in the day this was the official Saturday group ride down to Penrose and back (the Sunday ride headed east, usually on Highway 24 or 94). Sunday was for burning fat, but Saturday was for burning matches. It was always more race than ride. Sixty-five miles round trip, more or less, and a shitload of vertical gain, in the thousands of feet — Bibleburg sits at 6,035 feet above sea level, with Penrose at 5,338, but there’s a whole lot of up and down in between. An Avocet 50 altimeter could tell you the whole sordid story.
The party always started on the first climb, past Fort Carson’s main gate. A guy who got spit out there was in for a long, lonely day in the saddle. He might find some company further along the road — there was another selection hill just past Calle del Fuente that usually popped a few folks’ off the back — but it was a tough chase to get back on, the route from that point being mostly downhill to Penrose, barring a short, tough finishing climb just outside town.
We’d refuel at a convenience store, then tackle the return leg, which uglied up real fast with a painful climb. The group usually settled into paceline work thereafter, with the occasional wiseguy conducting a leg check on the rollers between the county line and Turkey Creek Ranch.
But the big dogs generally held their fire for the three short power climbs past north of Calle del Fuente. One attack, two attacks, three attacks, and then the survivors would line it out and sprint for the city-limit sign at the Academy Boulevard overpass.
I can’t remember the last time I did that ride — time apparently does heal all wounds — but I made the mistake of mentioning it around McBeef and he decided that we must have a spin down memory lane, as it were.
Holy Mother of God, what a fine idea that was.
The highway has not gotten any bigger, but the vehicles certainly have, and there are more of them, too, all of them piloted by the drunk and/or insane. Riding it felt and sounded like cycling through a tunnel alongside a freight train. And while the bulk of this ride features shoulders suitable for a brisk double paceline, there remain a few narrow bits involving bridges, debris and/or passing-lane climbs that are cause for some serious pucker factor — I nearly butt-sucked the cover right off my Flite saddle a couple of times.
Plus we rode like girls. Drunk girls. Drunk one-legged girls. Drunk one-legged girls towing anvils on skateboards with square wheels. McBeef claimed to be suffering from the wine flu, but kept shelling me anyway. I was weaker than 3.2 beer. We didn’t even attempt the full round-trip, turning around at the county line for what amounted to just short of 50 miles for me and more like 60 for McBeef, who lives out east where the convenience-store bandits roam free.
This was something of an eye-opener for me, as this is the route I intend to take sometime next month aboard a lightly loaded touring bike, which is a very different breed of dog indeed when compared to a 20-pound titanium road bike. Think overfed chocolate Lab with bum hips versus a greyhound.
Mad Blog Media 
Reminded me of the last time we rode the 101 FWY back from north of Santa Barbara. Back-in-the-day it didn’t seem so bad and made a nice loop up to Solvang and around. We swore we’d NEVER do it again after the experience a few years ago. Just like your experience the loop was now too long anyway but the high-speed traffic blasting by, especially on the narrow bridge sections, made me wonder why the hell we were doing this? Now we jump on the same freeway on the other end of town but only for ONE exit. We used to ride the thing south in a designated bike-lane along the coast but not anymore…that Casitas loop is a little too long to be worth so many kms of “no fun, just get it over with quickly!” cycling. One gets slower as one gets older but I’d like to think a little smarter about where it’s fun/safe to ride as well. I would think loaded touring in the US of A would have one on more of these kinds of roads than I’d like — I still marvel at the bike-lane out there on the way into Denver on US76 is it? Is that the ONLY way to go anywhere out there? Same with some stretches in Utah…no way in hell would you find me out there in that god-forsaken country duking it out with triple trailer semi-trucks, drunks trying to drive their houses down the road or morons wobbling around in shopping-utility-veehickles with underinflated tires!
Speaking of roads falling apart, Bibleburg made the Times.
Op-Ed Columnist
America Goes Dark
By PAUL KRUGMAN
Published: August 8, 2010
“The lights are going out all over America — literally. Colorado Springs has made headlines with its desperate attempt to save money by turning off a third of its streetlights…”
Paul Krugman suggest taxing the top 2 percent at the rate that they paid during the Clinton years. That’s exactly the Dem’s platform (especially Mark Dayton) for our upcoming governor election here in the great state of Minnesota. Since Tim Pawlenty gutted our school system and covets the White House, the Reps are being portrayed as anti-school, pro drunk driving, don’t tax the rich assholes. Wait, I guess there IS truth in advertising. There’s some world-class mud slinging happening this year, and it is fun to witness. I almost feel sorry for Tom Emmers. But not really.
Ahhh The saturday ride down 115. I remember the time coming out of Penrose when my rear derailer cable broke. Found a stick to wedge in the derailer so I was able to be in my 39/15. Big Steve is still my hero.
The time machine does NOT restore the youth. I thought everyone knew that! I rode less than 2 miles the other night and my stress level zoomed up about a 1000%. I haven’t ridden at night since 1993. It will be a long time before it happens again.
Age does make you wiser, Patrick. In about a month I am planning on doing a 3-day charity ride in Sonoma Co. One of the ‘selling points’ of the ride is that on the second day of the ride (Saturday) the long ride (50+ miles) “goes to the ocean.” I thought about it for a millisecond and then said “You know I could probably scout out their rough route on Google Maps with the Street View function.” So I did….and it does not look exciting. Keeping in mind that this will be on a Saturday, along the ‘coast’, headed in the wrong (south -> north) direction and there may be a bunch of wobbly cyclists I am going to pass on the route. From a few random glances on Google it looks like the shoulder is about 2 inches wide for miles. Granted it is Hwy. 1 which tends to not be a mini-Autobahn yet I would think that they could at least pick a better route. But then it won’t “go to the ocean” either. That is assuming that Tomales Bay is on the ocean – it is as “on the ocean” as Bakersfield or Bibleburg – which it is not.
What’s this “ride like girls” business??? You should BE so lucky. Some of are pretty darn fine riders. Better not let Herself hear you talking like that.
Yeah. If I could ride like that girl Jeannie Longo…
Haw,
I knew that “ride like girls” bit would get me in trouble. I’ve been flogged up, down and around Colorado by the likes of Alison Dunlap, Dede Demet, Mari Holden and the late Karen Hornbostel, who outsprinted me in the Morgul-Bismark (she was tired of beating up on the women and decided to beat up on guys that day). So in their honor, when I rework this post into a column, it will feature men riding “like one-legged emphysema patients towing Burley trailers full of anvils.”
As the President of the New Mexico Chapter of One-Legged Emphysema Patients who tow Burley trailers full of anvils, I wish to strongly protest your last post, which does a serious disservice to our Organization…
Oh, Lord,
Another county heard from. Uh, “fat bastards riding cyclo-cross bikes loaded down with panniers full of crap they probably won’t need.” I should have the patent on that one. Sheesh.
I protest the two uh yuhs callin’ tax credits “anvils”.
I object to the weak kneed, humorless dolts who object to such fine wordplay as demonstrated here:
“Drunk one-legged girls towing anvils on skateboards with square wheels.”
Honestly if you can find “drunk”, “one-legged girls” who are “towing anvils” atop “skateboards with square wheels” then I will not have a problem. But knowing full well that there are no such things as “skateboards with square wheels” I suggest that you find something meaningful to protest. Like lily-livered former governors of states in the wilderness who choose to shoot harmless animals from helicopters.
Way to nail it , James.
Did anyone notice the proposed sponsor of the race around Colorado (can’t use Tour of Colorado or Coor’s Classic, right?) has made the top of the fast-food bad-guy list for some so-called “meal” with even higher calories and fat content than the crap sold by Burger King and Hardies? The Quizno Pro Bike Challenge seems to have a meaning like Amgen Tour of California. What is it about the US? We had Tour du Pont backed by a noxious chemical maker, Tour de Trump backed by an (ob)noxious guy with a dead squirrel on his head, and a Tour of Georgia backed by makers of obnoxious shopping-utility-vehicles. What obnoxious company backed the Tour of Mo?…I can’t even remember — except for the right-wing lt. governor opposing the left-wing governor. There must be something going on here with companies who produce generally nasty stuff, very disconnected from supposedly healthy cycling fans, seeking to get their brand some good associated press — by linking it to dope-ridden professional cycling? Only in America! I’ve been back here for barely two weeks — I’m ready to go back to Italy.
Liquigas – provider of liquified gas products in Italy.
MAPEI Corporation – maker of chemical adhesives and sealants
Saxo Bank, Casse d’Epargne, Credit Agricole, – banking concerns
Omega-Pharma, pharmaceuticals
Lotto, lottery (gambling)
Sponsors are sponsors. Now we have to vett a team or race sponsor for purity? And by the way, EPO kept my dad alive long enough to get to know his grandkids when he was fighting leukemia. Just because some knuckleheads abuse it doesn’t make it a bad drug.
I’m good with taking sponsorship money from most organizations with deep pockets. Beats trying to get money from people or organizations that don’t have any money (but they can volunteer if they want).
And with bike racing, the sponsor is pretty sure they know what they get in terms of exposure.
It’s the race director’s decision what companies to solicit. If he wants to go to a company who’s profit is based on making people fat or the company that makes a life extending drug that’s abused by the very athletes they are propping up, I think he knows pretty well what kind of shit he might be in for. And fans of any sport are amazingly good at overlooking or missing entirely such ironies.
Do we really want the Health Police running the show? Ok, we ban beer as it is alcoholic, junk food because it is junk food, cigarettes because we are Americans rather than Europeans. Do we add ice cream to the list as it has no redeeming social use other than to have fun and get fat? PETA would have us ban meat and milk. Dairy industry would have us ban PETA. Pretty soon you are on that proverbial slippery slope.
Indeed, EPO was designed for treatment of cancer patients who had low blood counts. Right now, that includes my uncle who is barely walking up the stairs due to low hemoglobin content. The fact that bike racers abuse the shit is beside the point.
What is funny is that if these products were not so successful, the companies would not have the deep pockets for sponsorship. Does anyone smell a little hypocrisy here?
Me? I wear jerseys produced by an evil Colorado-based media conglomerate that demeans girls, one-legged emphysema patients, and fat bastards on cross bikes. But with three of those Fat Guys jerseys in the closet, I’d be hard pressed to retire them and still have something to wear on the bike.
HUMOR ALERT — Geez, I guess I better let O’Grady make the jokes about the irony of Amgen sponsoring the Tour of California, etc. I wish the Quizno’s “eat this horrible calorie and fat-loaded shit” Pro Cycling Challenge all the best! If it happens I will probably even go to CO and watch next year — but you WON’T catch me dining on any of the edible feces they sell, no matter how much of their profits they throw at cycling.
And WHO doesn’t have a relative with the big C taking overpriced anti-cancer or hematocrit improving drugs? My mother went through all the same expensive drug therapy too folks…but she’s still just as dead as if she’d not taken any of ’em.
Geeze, Larry. I didn’t think anyone was really ALL that serious here.
Nah, I think it’s just the complainers.
Sorta like all the mouth-breathing dingbats who claim “Obama did it!” each time a bear farts in the woods. Interesting analogy I would guess but if you want to take it literally then by all rights do…..just make sure you back it up with some facts.
Not some more mouth-breathing dingbat crap (hey that rhymes!).
As for sponsors, Khal nails that one on the head. As for Quizwhats, can’t say that I ever had one, nor feel the sudden need to go out and purchase one. Which now that I think about it is pretty much the same feeling I have about Coors, Mapei, Lotto, Ford, Dodge, EDS, DuPont, Trump, Amgen or even 7-Eleven.
However if they want to pony up the serious $$$ to put on a race, fine by me. As long as the Rabobank cheque doesn’t bounce Sky high, I won’t need V-Australia to get it.
Wow! It’s been over a day since Dan “bike sharing is a commie-U.N. plot” Maes got the nod from the Colorado Packy-derms to be our next governor, and still no word on this development from Mad Dog. Apparently our state’s few right wingers who haven’t gone off to join the TP-arty liked Dan more than Scott “Copy and Paste for Cash” McInnis. They chose “Ding-bat Crazy” over “Greedy and Lazy” (hey, that rhymes too!).
Meanwhile, I am spared the dilemma over whether or not to support cycling’s new favorite sandwich shop and race sponsor. The two Quiznos that were in this town folded up and went away years ago. Oddly, the location that housed one of them has since been re-occupied by another sandwich shop…which promptly went out of business, only to be replaced by, you guessed it, a third sandwich shop which is on the verge of selling off the fixtures. Get a clue people! It’s location, location, location, and when two meat-cheese-and veggies on bread businesses fail in one location, your odds aren’t very good either.
I’ve been in this new sandwich shop precisely once. The ordering process made doing my taxes look fun and easy. I left hungry but no poorer.
Will all the cyclists in Colorado start wearing blue helmets to tweak Dan Maes?
Ha…now that’s a great idea Khal! Cyclists everywhere should paint their helmets UN blue. I think I’m going to look into this- seriously.
If every cyclist in Colorado (or even all the ones in Denver) got out the blue paint, it would be funny as hell.
Even down here in BombTown where it seems Ph.D.s are as ubiquitous as salsa jars, we have a few people driving around with those “Get the US out of the UN”, “Obama bin Lyin” and other wingnut bumper stickers. People are weird.
Hopefully, Tancredo and Maes will split the Batshit-Crazy vote and both go down in flames. But that doesn’t mean their followers will go away. Fact is, they will just become more entrenched. I long for the days when we had guys like Jacob Javits as a major player in the Republican Party. Nowdays, guys like Javits, Keating, Kemp, or even Goldwater would be tossed out of the Elefink Party as bad influences.
http://www.overstock.com/Sports-Toys/Adult-Blue-Bicycle-Helmet/4101379/product.html
And our local right-wing rabble rouser Steve King (the Tom Tancredo of Iowa or is it vice-versa?) is ranting about telling the folks out in CA how to deal with the courts overturning their anti-gay Prop. 8. This from a guy who represents a district in one of the few states were Adam and Steve CAN get married with no problems! But the left-wingers aren’t being left out and Obama’s press guy’s been sparring with plenty of them. I figure if Barry’s got the extremes of both sides mad at him, he must be doing an OK job….and things could be a LOT worse, just think what could be going on right now if wacky Uncle Insane McCain and ditzy Caribou Barbie were at the controls! Whatever happened to politicians who wanted to get elected in order to work together with the other side and get stuff done?
“…Whatever happened to politicians who wanted to get elected in order to work together with the other side and get stuff done?”
I think that is now an impeachable offense.
True story: yesterday I received a “survey” from the DNC asking me to rate Pres. O’s performance on key issues. So, being the good person who believes in something called “representative Democracy,” I did. What I did not do is send them any ducats, cash, dinero, Franklins, etc. as per the request at the back of the “survey.” My grade for the Prez is a straight “fair.” He’s done a great job at some things while screwing the proverbial pooch on others, so I split the difference, divided by the number of people who filled in the “survey” and mailed it away.
I just wonder if they will take me off their mailing list since I did write “I have never voted for a Democrat in my life and please remove me from your mailing list.” I guess only time will tell.
BTW~ I have a feeling ol’ MD Pat is probably just waking up from his Irish sleep having burrowed himself under the covers hoping that the world will end soon. Either that or trying to figure a way to leave the Springs (and Colorado) before November 9th rolls around.
Kinda wondering where O’G went too. Its like we took over his web site or something with all this ranting.
Yeah, its bad news reading about Tancredo and Maes but Patrick has been living in Bibleburg long enough to know which way the political winds sometimes blow. I think there is a lot of latent racism in this country and it is coming out in dishonest ways. Tancredo isn’t even subtle. We should all send him our extra white sheets.
Hopefully, the winds will blow at least some of the Batshit-Crazy Party folks away by November. It ain’t just Colorado that is infested with this weirdness.
If OG isn’t going to post stuff here to piss people off we’ll just have to write it ourselves! There’s hope out there as folks in the US of A who call themselves Christians have dropped from 86% down to 76% while the god-less have increased from around 8% to 15% in the last 20 years. I’m sure there was lots of noise as the dinosaurs sunk into the tar pits eons ago as well. As these right-wingers who like to tell others how to live their lives, but don’t want any interference in their own slowly die off, Adam and Steve might be able to get married in any state they choose and maybe, just maybe we can spend time dealing on genuine problems. We can dream can’t we? Enjoy your vacation OG!