Archive for the ‘Bad news’ Category

Good news and bad news

October 4, 2016
Classic Fat from the last millennium. Some things never change.

Classic Fat from the last millennium. Some things never change.

First, the good news: Julia Moskin at The New York Times serves up a modern recipe for chicken pot pie that looks absolutely scrumptious.

The bad news, also from the NYT: Whatever you weigh right this minute, you’re only gonna get fatter as 2016 and its various holiday seasons waddle to their belt-loosening denouement. I blame Obama. Also, the chicken pot pie.

The worse news: “Anything that happens in these next 10 weeks, on average, takes about five months to come off,” says professor Brian Wansink of Cornell University’s business school.

Does that include the election? Oh, God, no. I need some comfort food. And I think we all know what it might be. …

Red moon rising

July 20, 2016

I’ve been striving mightily not to watch as the GOP continues eating itself alive — it will get around to its big orange asshole tomorrow — but Lord, is it ever a tough ol’ slog.

All my usual news feeds are awash in pomposity, prevarication and psychosis. Not even the Tour could cheer me up today, and I took little pleasure in being proved correct when I predicted early on that Tejay van Gardenhose would enjoy his usual jour sans. Even an old, blind dog can unearth a moldy Milk-Bone now and then.

Tonight’s speakers list is a veritable Murderers’ Row of mendacity: Koch-sucker Scott Walker, Marco 3P0, Texas Ted Cruz the Gucci Shitkicker, veep-in-waiting Mike “Deadeyes” Tuppence, and Newt and Callista Gingrich, who probably have never starred in an adult movie titled “Mr. Toad Boinks a Robot,” no matter what you’ve heard about the uptick in porn consumption during the GOP confab in Cleveland, City of Light, City of Magic.

A red moon rising indeed. I think I’ll go crawl under my bed now.

The sausage is made

July 7, 2016

fatso-WTF-2God damn. Another long shift in the barrel, including three-plus hours of Live Update Guy, one “Shop Talk” cartoon, and one “Mad Dog Unleashed” column.

Still, some people had worse days.

• The House GOP managed to fall into a barrel of tits and come out sucking its thumb.

• Der Trumpenführer invaded Washington and it went over about as well as the Russian thing did for that other guy.

• Roger Ailes seems badly in need of a lock on his zipper (the filthy old shitbag may find that it’s better to keep rubbing his little weenie all over the news business than trying to stick it into actual, you know, like, women, an’ stuff).

• Albuquerque seems to be a giant open-air, free-range prison populated entirely by killers, thieves, firebugs, rapists and burglars.

• And don’t get me started on cops killing people just because they can.

Your Second Amendment at work

June 12, 2016
Miss Mia Sopaipilla would like to know if it's safe to come out now. Because if it's not, she can stay right where she is and have her meals delivered.

Miss Mia Sopaipilla would like to know if it’s safe to come out now. Because if it’s not, she can stay right where she is and have her meals delivered.

Another mass shooting, this time in a Florida nightclub. Prepare yourselves for the tales told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing, in 3, 2, 1. …

Morning sickness

June 8, 2016
Color? Don't talk to me about color. All is black.

Color? Don’t talk to me about color. All is black.

Feeble sunrise this morning. The Universe must be disappointed in the results of the Democratic presidential primary.

Just wait till it hears about the results of the GOP presidential primary.

Still, things could be worse.

The greatest

June 4, 2016
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

I wasn’t a boxing fan until Muhammad Ali came along. And I’m not one now that he’s gone.

Like his fellow boxer Kris Kristofferson’s “Pilgrim,” Ali was “a walkin’ contradiction, partly truth and partly fiction.” Richard Pryor, who went a few rounds with him, said he was “so fast you don’t see his punches till they comin’ back.” Lord, was he fun to watch, and to listen to.

Some considered him a braggart, but it ain’t braggin’ if you can do it. And it’s one of sport’s greatest tragedies that he kept on doing it after he was no longer The Greatest.

His sting is gone. May he float like a butterfly.

Grave consequences

May 4, 2016
One of these things is not like the other.

One of these things is not like the other.

On this day in 1865, Abraham Lincoln was laid to rest in his hometown of Springfield, Ill.

One hundred and 51 years later, Honest Abe is spinning in his grave.

Ordinarily I dismiss the “both sides do it” argument, but I think in this case we might agree that while the Pachyderms are the primary architect of this clusterfuck, the Donks share the blame for morphing into Republican Lite in the decades since Nixon flogged McGovern.

When both sides of the aisle focus on making themselves and their benefactors comfy-cozy as the working stiffs enjoy another tasty plate of shit soufflé, this is what you get.

I remember a snarky slogan from my faux-hippie days that seemed funny at the time: “America: Fix It or Fuck It.”

Coming to a ballot box near you in November 2016.

R.I.P., Jim Harrison

March 27, 2016
Jim Harrison laid his Jim Hancock on my copy of "Warlock," though it was not among his favorite works.

Jim Harrison laid his Jim Hancock on my copy of “Warlock,” though it was not among his favorite works.

Damn. I go flying past 62 only to hear that Jim Harrison hit the binders at 78.

My burro-racing pal Hal Walter and I have been Harrison fans for years. Hal especially, since he’s an outdoorsman, as was Harrison; me, I just like to be outdoors, to no particular purpose.

We caught a Harrison reading once at The Colorado College — weird thing is, it was right around my birthday, if not on the actual day itself — and I recall Mr. Harrison being less than pleased with the book I asked him to autograph. Seems “Warlock” was never one of his faves.

I liked it, though, along with other tales: “The Man Who Gave Up His Name,” “Sundog,” “Wolf,” the “Brown Dog” stories and of course “Legends of the Fall.” His essay collection “Just Before Dark” is a keeper, too, as his collection of poetic correspondence with Ted Kooser, “Braided Creek.”

He’ll be missed, and not just by Hal and me. Bon voyage, Jim. Thanks for the tales, and for that autograph.

Black Friday redux

December 2, 2015
Happiness is a warm gun.

Happiness is a warm gun.

From our Hey, Look, There’s a Fire Over There, Let’s Pour a Record Amount of Gasoline On It Department. Boy, do I ever hate being right.

• Late update: Oh, good. The national barbecue continues unabated.

Business as usual

November 28, 2015
Robert Lewis Dear, held in the Bibleburg shootings. Photo: CSPD

Robert Lewis Dear, held in the Bibleburg shootings. Photo: CSPD

Yesterday’s terrorism in Bibleburg is getting the usual reaction across the Innertubez — shock, horror, dismay, etc., plus the usual elbows being thrown in pursuit of sociopolitical points. Seems everyone has a dog in the fight, including Your Humble Narrator.

A friend asked if it was official “that Colorado leads the nation in this sort of violence,” and it’s true that my old home state has generated more than its share of headline-grabbers.

But maybe we should be paying less attention to wholesale bloodshed and more to the steady drip, drip, drip of retail homicide that somehow eludes us.

There’s Chicago, for example. And Baltimore. Body counts that mostly don’t have a damn thing to do with revolutionary politics or a slight to somebody’s imaginary friend.

It’s just too easy for Americans to kill each other. And while we wait to add a bit of insight regarding cause to what we already know about effect, we can be certain of one thing right now: Gun sales will skyrocket, in Bibleburg and elsewhere.

It’s like watching the fire department fighting a five-alarm with a tanker truck full of gasoline.