Archive for the ‘Just Fucking Shoot Me’ Category
Slouching toward impeachment
October 8, 2019‘You got to know the right people’
September 29, 2019
O, ’tis true, the druck traffickers are a shower of bastards.
Just say “No” to them drucks, kids. Especially in traffic.
“You got to know the right people,” indeed. Starting with a good copy editor. Or at least one who isn’t on drucks.
Paint it green
July 1, 2019
Gimme (tax) shelter.
Well, rock and roll may not be dead, but it’s definitely coughing up blood.
This seems like as good a time as any to break out the Nihilist Dad Jokes.
Fiddler on the roof
February 24, 2019
Who’s dumber, the guy who built the house with the flat roof
or the guy who bought it?
When I write my doctoral dissertation on snow removal it will be titled “Flat Roofs Are Stupid.”
Wired
February 7, 2019
I got wired a time or two when I lived in southern Arizona, but it was nothing like this. Photo by Jonathan Clark | Nogales International via The Associated Press and stolen shamelessly by Your Humble Narrator
Whatever the sonofabitch gets, it’s never enough. Wives, bankruptcies, you name it.
Now not even a Big, Beautiful Wall® will tickle Il Douche’s little pickle. Now it has to be a Big, Beautiful Wall with Six Rows of Razor Wire®.
And remember, folks: FreeDumb® isn’t free. DoD estimates that the military has spent $132 million so far “supporting” U.S. Customs and Border Protection — never mind that the number of arrests by the Border Patrol is the lowest since the early 1970s, while the number of agents has more than doubled — and other estimates indicate that border deployments could eat up a cool billion by the end of fiscal 2019.
Can we maybe put one of these BBWWSRORW® around the Orange House? With a lid on it?
Breaking news
January 4, 2019
“That Wall money must be up there somewhere, lemme have another look.”
This just in: Rich get richer.
And those other folks? Oh, they get something, a’ight, but it ain’t richer.
Fiddling while Rome burns
November 24, 2018
Nero didn’t get it either and cashed out the hard way.
OK, let’s see if I’ve got this right:
“A major scientific report issued by 13 federal agencies on Friday presents the starkest warnings to date of the consequences of climate change for the United States, predicting that if significant steps are not taken to rein in global warming, the damage will knock as much as 10 percent off the size of the American economy by century’s end.”
In response, the courtiers attending His Most Pissant Majesty, King Donald the Short-fingered, Terror of Twitter, are focused like the proverbial laser beam on whether trans folk may serve in the Empire’s armed forces.
Got it. Makes perfect sense. See, if they’re not camping in camo’ down by The Wall*, or using the wrong latrines in Afghanistan, they’ll be available to fight fire and flood elsewhere, p’raps in more fashionable neighborhoods, in order that the gentry may be both protected and entertained.
* Wall not pictured. Or even built.
Checks and imbalances
September 28, 2018
Speaking as an angry white man, all these angry white men are starting to piss me off.
That eternal sense of entitlement was on full peacock display in yesterday’s Cirque du SoWhat? over whether the mendacious and elusive Bart O’Kavanaugh can stand erect long enough to make it to the Supreme Court.
The well of privilege seems bottomless from the top, and these angry white men will continue to draw from it until the bucket finally comes up filled with their obituaries.
Then, I suppose, their angry white sons will inherit the family business.
That business is bankrupt, but failure is for lesser men, and women. The angry white man picks himself up using our bootstraps and plows forward, like the dolt who, when told that he’s penniless, broke, flat busted, says, “That can’t be true. I still have checks in my checkbook.”
Actually, it’s our checkbook. And one of these days the angry white man’s mouth is going to use it to write a check his ass can’t cash.
But I don’t think we’re there yet.
The angry white man still has that big orange credit card we gave him back in 2016. And he’s gonna use that to buy shit the country doesn’t need and can’t afford until we take it away from him.
Remember your Martin Luther King: “We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.”
Project Jagoff
March 12, 2017
And now, from our Just Fucking Shoot Me Department, comes the news that Levi’s and Google’s ATAP division have teamed up for a “smart” denim jacket, slated to be released this fall for $350.
“Project Jacquard,” they call the technology. For those of you who don’t parlez the français, that’s pronounced “jag-off.”
I’m thinking this garment will be smarter than many of the people who buy it. My best guess is that the Levi’s Commuter Trucker Jag-et is an ruse to soften us up for the jeans (call ’em Levi’s 666). Look for Guccifer 3.0 to hack ’em and pants every hipster in America at once as they bend over to lock their bespoke fixies to the railings at java joint/artisanal alehouse/toast café patios nationwide.
That oughta uncurl their moustaches.
