Category: Live Update Guy

Don’t touch that dial

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 4 Comments
Your Giro is important to us. Please continue to hold.
Your Giro is important to us. Please continue to hold.

Charles Pelkey advises that we are enjoying “technical difficulties” at Live Update Guy as the 2016 Giro d’Italia gets under way with a pan-flat, 9.8km individual time trial in the Netherlands.

There. Now you know as much as I do. More as I hear it.

In the meantime, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, which it seems is the only way these days to get the jaded, video-sated public off their fucking arses and back in the sodding Live Updates. Family entertainment? Bollocks! What they want is filth: People doing things to each other with chainsaws during Tupperware parties, babysitters being stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates, vigilante groups strangling chickens, armed bands of theater critics exterminating mutant goats. Where’s the fun in LUGgery? Oh, well, there we are. Here’s the theme music. Goodnight.

• Update: We’re live. Pop on by and say, Ciao.”

Join Live Update Guy at the Giro d’Italia

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 22 Comments

Disclaimer from the legal department at Live Update Guy: Patrick O’Grady, senior executive junior assistant vice president for answering reader questions for free at LUG, attempted a tasteless “joke” about the Italian people during our most recent Live Update (previously recorded).

The elderly, self-described “humorist” managed to deliver the setup, but hyper-vigilant producer Turkish von Turkenstein saw to it that the punchline never aired, and going forward O’Grady has been warned to restrict his japes to the French.

The senior management at Live Update Guy would like to apologize to all Italians everywhere, particularly any Romans concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of LUG Nuts of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Thank you.

Big stone(s)

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 18 Comments
Mat Hayman got the flowers in Roubaix. A fine ride indeed, but he can't have these. They're mine. And I didn't have to bounce over no cobbles to get 'em, either.
Mat Hayman got the flowers in Roubaix. A fine ride indeed, but he can’t have these. They’re mine. And I didn’t have to bounce over no cobbles to get ’em, either.

Mat Hayman (Orica-GreenEdge) took the flowers at Paris-Roubaix, and well done indeed.

Dude was in the break, riding his 15th Hell of the North, and just barely got ‘er done in front of four-time winner Tom Boonen (Etixx-QuickStep) and Ian Stannard (Sky).

Charles Pelkey and I called the race at Live Update Guy, and I’ll congratulate myself for mentioning Hayman as a man to watch.

OK, so I also have to take the rap for saying I thought he was doing too much work to win. But still.

Meanwhile, poor ol’ Fabian Cancellara (Trek) intercoursed the penguin on the Roubaix velodrome, dumping it while riding with a Swiss flag. That had to sting.