Join Live Update Guy at the Giro d’Italia

Disclaimer from the legal department at Live Update Guy: Patrick O’Grady, senior executive junior assistant vice president for answering reader questions for free at LUG, attempted a tasteless “joke” about the Italian people during our most recent Live Update (previously recorded).

The elderly, self-described “humorist” managed to deliver the setup, but hyper-vigilant producer Turkish von Turkenstein saw to it that the punchline never aired, and going forward O’Grady has been warned to restrict his japes to the French.

The senior management at Live Update Guy would like to apologize to all Italians everywhere, particularly any Romans concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of LUG Nuts of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Thank you.

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22 Responses to “Join Live Update Guy at the Giro d’Italia”

  1. Steve O Says:

    // Patrick O’Grady, senior executive junior assistant vice president for answering reader questions for free //

    On Army correspondence, at least before texting and Twitter, when folks wrote real memos, there’s something called a signature block. Serious business. Tells everyone who you are. Goes like this:

    Rank, Branch
    Duty Position

    Duty position is typically S1 (personnel), S2 (intelligence), etc. If you’re not the chief, you’re the A/S1 (assistant S1).

    Buddy of mine was the third assistant to the S4 (supply and logistics), got bounced around and was never sure what he was supposed to be doing. Boss kept him busy by making him write every memo. So he started signing them:

    Scott Schmeddlapp
    CPT, EN
    JAFA S4

    So many Army acronyms, no one wanted to admit they didn’t know one, so maybe six months went by, Scott’s publishing at least a memo a day, lots leaving the battalion, going up to brigade and division. Formal, official stuff. And one day, at the Battalion Command and Staff meeting, Scott’s there to brief a new equipment deployment plan. Everyone’s reading his memo, and the battalion commander finally asks, hey Scott, what the hell is a JAFA?

    Without so much as a smirk Scott says, Just A Fucking Assistant.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Ho, ho. The armed forces have laid so many acronyms on us, and so few of us recall the original language used pre-abbreviation for bits like SNAFU, FUBAR, etc.

      Former Marine turned cop and author Joe Wambaugh either invented or passed along one used by LA cops alongside DWI and DUI: HUA, for a driver with Head Up Ass.

      • Pat O'Brien Says:

        Don’t forget BOHICA, the mutha of all acronyms.

      • Patrick O'Grady Says:

        Haw. Indeed.

        I knew newspapering was circling the bowl when we started seeing a proliferation of AMEs (assistant managing editors) for this, that and the other.

        AME for news. AME for features. AME for sweeping up late at night after the press run. Etc.

        That’s when I said “AMF.”

  2. khal spencer Says:

    Huh? You dumpin’ on us wops again?

    • khal spencer Says:

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      I love those stupid old jokes like the Italian-tire gag.

      I may have mentioned that in college I took a folklore class to cut what I thought would be an easy corner on some requirement and was shocked to learn that the final credit would be based on a presentation given before the class.

      I’ve always loathed and feared that sort of thing, so I used a ruse to dodge it — videotaping myself and all my buddies telling jokes broken down into various categories (racist, sexist, ethnic, nonsensical, etc.).

      Jokes qualify as folklore, of course, because they are primarily an oral tradition and change in the telling as they are passed along.

      It’s a pity that no copies of the tape survived (the University of Northern Colorado wiped and reused all the old Sony reel-to-reel tapes). The comedians are now mostly respected politicos, artists and journalists.

      Well, everyone except me, of course.

      • khal spencer Says:

        Have you heard about the new Italian tyres?
        Dago round, Dago through mud, Dago through snow, Dago everywhere. And when they go flat, Dago Wop, Wop, Wop, Wop!

      • Patrick O'Grady Says:

        That’s the gag I was referencing, K … Herself didn’t get it, but a colleague of hers did. Some days that seven-year age differential really shows up.

      • Pat O'Brien Says:

        Thanks Khal, I didn’t get it either, and I’m older than you guys. But, I haven’t been riding as long.

      • khal spencer Says:

        I listened to a lot of that stuff, growing up in an Anglo-Saxton suburb of Buffalo, NY. Both my mom’s parents got here via the boat and Ellis Island from southern Italy.

  3. Jon Paulos Says:

    Okay, please enlighten a poor ignoramus. What is BOHICA?

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Jon, that would be, “Bend Over, Here It Comes Again.” Owie.

      • khal spencer Says:

        Aye. My dear friend Eric DeCarlo and I got a fair number of grants to study environmental chemistry back when I was on the U of Hawaii geology faculty and Eric was over in Oceanography. We called ourselves Garbologists, given our funding was to study what happened to the shit humans dump everywhere, and usually were at the mercy of state and federal funding towards fate and transport projects. Given the vagaries of the funding sources, we often referred to ourselves as the Last of the Bohicans, as funding shortfalls often enough bit us in the ass.

      • Patrick O'Grady Says:

        “Last of the Bohicans.” Hee, and also haw. That’s the title of an award-winning comic novel or I never heard one.

    • Pat O'Brien Says:

      I think it originated from the draftee induction physical prostate exam. The instructions were, “bend over and grab your ankles.” However, soldiers bent, pun intended, these instructions to a different meaning every time the shit rolled downhill and yet again landed in our lower enlisted rank laps.

  4. khal spencer Says:

    Happy May Day, folks!

  5. khal spencer Says:

    Dang, Patrick. I try to be funny and then see your Tweet that Father Berrigan died. So much for my good mood.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Yeah, that didn’t do anything for my state of mind either. Darth Cheney walks the earth, The Donald has a shot at the Oval Office, and Father Berrigan is off to the Next World, where he can finally get a little rest.

      • khal spencer Says:

        Given Fr. Berrigan’s dedication to justice, this last year may have been a little too much. “Beam me up, J.C. Its getting way too toxic and insane down here.”

        I hope you didn’t lose that bumper sticker I mailed you. Its coming in handy.

  6. Pat O'Brien Says:

    Good morning and Happy May Day. Hold on to your hats up there!

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