Que triste es la vida

Judas Priest. The furnace just clicked on. Forty-eight and raining outdoors, 67 and cranky indoors. Are we sure this is late May in Colorado? ‘Cause it looks more like February in Oregon to me.

Oh, well. So it goes. Baldilocks will have something else to complain about before the bears come home. Like your average House Republican, who could fall into a barrel of tits and come out sucking his thumb, I am never satisfied. The glass is neither half empty nor half full, but rather a scattering of shards in a filthy gutter, just waiting for a bare foot.

Elsewhere, the prez has tapped Judge Sonia Sotomayor to replace Justice David Souter in the Supremes. She would be the Court’s second woman and its first Latina. The consensus among the parlor pinks I patronize — Kevin Drum, Steve Benen and others — seems to be that she will have little trouble winning confirmation.

Still, I have some small hope that the Repugs will insist on doing what they do best, which is acting swiftly on their worst impulses and in general behaving like spoiled children denied an undeserved treat. Hey, my pessimism knows some bounds.

At ease

All along the watchtower, kittens kept the view.
All along the watchtower, kittens kept the view.

Whew. Long day in the old velo-barrel today. It was an even longer day for the Astana boys, who missed out on a stage win and lost more time to the heavy hitters in the Giro d’Italia. But the longest day of all may be the one spent in uniform, far from friends and family, in the company of hostile strangers. Thus we’ll raise a glass to the men and women of the U.S. armed forces tonight. May you all return safely and honorably to the Land of the Big PX. Your kittens must miss you.

Paging Captain Nemo

The Queen of Beers. As in "drag queen."
The Queen of Beers. As in "drag queen."

Rain. Again. And plenty of it, too. All we need is the Nautilus and a giant squid and we’re good to go.

Big Jonny of DrunkCyclist torments me via Twitter, announcing, “Sea World’s got beer, son!” He then follows up with this photo of himself (well, one hand, anyway), the wife and kidlets in sunny San Diego, along with said beer — a pair of Bud Lights.

Now, if I have just wrapped up my first year of law school, and I am spending my vacation driving from Phoenix to San Diego and back with the tots and spouse in order to see a bunch of sushi on the hoof, there had better something more palatable than Bud Light on hand to take the edge off or there will be trouble. Stella Artois. Mirror Pond Pale Ale. Lagunitas IPA. A case of Pacifico and a few shots of Herradura. A jeroboam of Talisker. Maybe some smack, I dunno.

But Bud Light? Puh-leeze. If this is what living in Phoenix and going to law school does to a man, I’ll stay ignorant, right here in waterlogged Bibleburg. Maybe Captain Nemo will take me water skiing.

Iron Head Bicycle Classic

My IHBC lasted all of 33 minutes, and pursued by thunder I hit the driveway just as the first raindrop hit my upper lip. That’ll teach me to piss away 20 minutes of fleeting sunshine chatting with the neighbors. If I could’ve kept my fat yap shut, my fat ass might be a tad smaller. But noooo.

Anthony Colby and Mara Abbott got a slightly better workout — they won their respective races at the Iron Horse Bicycle Classic this morning. My man Ned Overend could only manage 15th, two and a half minutes back. He must’ve had a mechanical. Or maybe somebody shot him.

My brother Mad Dog Mikey O’Schenk rode in for 67th in the masters 55-64, crossing in 3:52:17. And oh, the shame — his wife, Susan, was 17 seconds faster, finishing 19th in women 45-54. Mike Elmer was the fastest ex-Dog; his 2:49:17 was good enough for 28th among the senior men IV-V 19-34. Tungsten Alcazar was the slowest, crossing in 3:53:28 for 104th in masters 35-44.

Ooo, it’s all sticky!

April showers bring May flowers. May showers bring puddles.
April showers bring May flowers. May showers bring puddles.

That was Eddie Izzard talking about landing on the moon only to find it was covered in jam, but he could have been talking about Bibleburg. Except Bibleburg is more squishy than sticky, and if there were any jam lying about, the rain of the past few days would’ve washed it away, so no. Sticky? Not so much. Squishy, that’s the thing. There. Glad we’ve got that sorted out.

This would be fine weather if I were a duck, but since I’m more of a dick it’s not doing much for me. Or for the Turk’, either. I just heard a loud thunk from the living room and went in to see him affixed to the top half of the screen door, forepaws spread wide, like an inmate clutching the cell bars. “Hey, y’dirty screw, call m’lawyer! I’m innocent, I tell ya! Lemme outa here!” If the Turk’ had a spoon and opposable thumbs, he’d be digging a tunnel in a blind corner somewhere.

Speaking of prisons, The New York Times recently paid a call on Cañon City and Florence to sample public opinion about sprinkling Gitmo inmates around the various local graybar hotels. One dingbat who owns a coffee shop fears an influx of Muslims and terrorists that would drive down property values for “good Christian conservatives” like himself. Never mind that property values have already taken quite a beating from the good Christian conservatives running the country and its financial system for the past eight years.

No, by all means let’s reserve our correctional system for fine upstanding American nutbags, like Unabomber Ted Kaczynski, who enjoys three hots and a cot in the federal Supermax at Florence. At least they won’t hate our freedom, despite having none of their own.