Posts Tagged ‘Barack Obama’

Shocktober!

October 1, 2012

How the hell did it get to be October already? Herself and I were just enjoying some adult beverages on the back deck, watching the critters gambol on the lawn, and had to beat it indoors before the sun had truly set because we were freezing our whatsises off (of course, anyone wearing shorts and sandals on Oct. 1 deserves to freeze his or her whatsis off).

We had to fortify ourselves with largish glasses of Domaine Vindemio, a powerful red from Ventoux. Then I put the last of the green chile stew on the range. The low tonight could dip into the 30s and for that one needs green chile and red wine.

Come Wednesday, of course, we will need distilled sustenance — tequila, single-malt Scotch or a solid hit of uisce beatha from the auld sod. El Prezbo and the RomneyBot v2.012 square off that evening for their first debate, in Denver, and there is no way I can possibly watch that sucker stone cold sober. (See Charles P. Pierce for a guide on how to watch a presidential debate.)

The RomneyBot is in full kernel panic, crashing and rebooting and giving off a strong whiff of ozone, and it wouldn’t surprise me at all to see him in mid-flail offer Obama a couple of billion to move out of the White House and set himself and the family up in style elsewhere.

The prez risks contracting Teh Crazy

May 23, 2012

The prez came to town today to address the U.S. Air Force Academy’s graduates. I hope he was inoculated against Teh Crazy before he left DeeCee to chat up the Blue Zoomies, ’cause Teh Crazy is an epidemic in these parts, along with viral stupidity. All we need is a stupid, crazy president. Oops, wait, too late — that was the last guy.

Meanwhile, and for the permanent record, Rep. Doug Lamborn (R-Asshat) is a chickenshit punk who was born in Leavenworth, Kansas, and should be returned there with all speed, to take up residence in the U.S. penitentiary for impersonating a U.S. congressman.

In a sane nation a would-be ward heeler like this numbnuts would be restricted to standing up to his fat ass in a ditch full of raw sewage with a shovel, where his shit-talking would have the audience of inattentive turds that it deserves. Alas, as I have noted before, while most states send their mental defectives to the state hospital, Colorado sends its fuckwits to the U.S. House.

• Late update: And Jesus H. Christ on an armored vehicle, who is handling press relations for Rep. Mike Coffman (R-HAL 2000)? This is what you get when cousins marry, or you elect a middle-school science project to Congress.

The State of Disunion

January 24, 2012
Newt and Callista

"Sorry, Callista, but you're gonna have to share me with the American people."

Well, here we go again. Time for the annual call-and-response comedy that pits Repug against Donk and man against booze.

I thought about a drinking game that involved taking a snort every time Weepy John Boehner pulls a frowny face, rolls his eyes or nods off from martini and/or tanning-bed poisoning, but I don’t think my liver could take the pounding. I’d be drunk-dialing Callista Gingrich 15 minutes into the speech: “C’mon, all I wanna know is what’s he make ya wear? Hah? Does he make ya dress up like Michelle Obama and then chase ya ’round the water bed with a riding crop, callin’ ya uppity? You can trust me, I’m a media elite.”

SOTU addresses drive me to drink far too easily already. Especially when the Congress pulls some monkey-spank bullshit like encouraging “bipartisan seating.” That’s about as far as bipartisanship extends with this lot: “I’ll sit with you, but I won’t put out.” Right. Saving themselves for Wall Street.

Me, I like watching the Repugs squat like dyspeptic toads as the prez delivers applause lines and the Donks rise theatrically to their lightly loafered feet, smacking their limp wrists together in a mimicry of human applause. And I pay taxes at a higher rate than either Newt or Mittens, so I should get what I want.

More after the jabberwocky.