Tag: The Turtle

Arise, ye prisoners of dehydration

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 20 Comments
All the leaves are brown, and the sky is gray.

The rain continues.

Clearly the gods have finally heard our sniveling here in the northernmost reaches of the Chihuahuan Desert. UnRealtors throughout the Greater Duck! City Metropolitan Area rejoice and sing “Hosanna!” Which is not a Gilda Radner character from Back in the Day® when “SNL” was still funny.

Anyone hoping to float the Rio anytime soon will still need 32-inch wheels, knobby tires, and hydraulic disc brakes for their rafts and kayaks. Nevertheless, arise, ye prisoners of dehydration, etc.

Raindrops keep falling on my head. Maybe with a little fertilizer I can get a fresh crop of hair started up there.

I went running in the rain yesterday, and it seems that I will be doing it again today, if I want to enjoy any class of healthful outdoor exercise, which I do. There’s not enough water for swimming — not yet, anyway, unless you’re suddenly awakened while sleeping rough in an arroyo — and since Herself works from home on Thursdays, if I should happen to make an indoor thing of myself she will find some chore for me to perform.

Anyway, running in the rain gets me away from the Mac, where the news is.

Jesus wept. The Squeaker of the House just shut the joint down and sent all his clock-watching monkey-spankers home after doing less actual work in the past few months than Mitch McConnell, who at least had the excuse of being kept alive in cryogenic sleep while RFK sewed him up a new body out of fresh roadkill and a couple prehistoric Trump Steaks from Natalie’s freezer.

Too bad. I was looking forward to watching that caravan of fools try to impeach Field Marshal Scheisskopf von Kegsbreath while he heaves and grunts through a few of his weak-ass pullups, stinking of cheap O-club gin and kicking his legs like a cranky toddler resisting bedtime.

That’s probably why Beelzebozo ordered RFK to rebuild The Turtle. He wanted to make sure the Senate had the numbers to keep Kegsbreath on his sinking PBR, if the House actually grew a pair, and if that meant reinstalling the old Kentucky roadblock as a collection of rotting coonskins that Dan’l Boone wouldn’t wear to a goat fuck, well, tough shit, Mitch. Die on your own time.

The Turtle ain’t running

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 9 Comments
Off with the Nikes, on with the ruby slippers.

The Turtle has decided against running for re-election, saying he plans to spend more time with his money … er, family.

Which is where the bulk of his wealth is said to come from.

According to 2022 financial-disclosure reports, Mitch McConnell has “a net worth between $19 million and $68 million.” Much of this moola derives from his marriage to Elaine Chao, daughter of shipping magnate James Chao. The McConnells received an inheritance valued between $5 million and $25 million in 2007 when her mother died, according to The Washington Post via the Cincinnati Enquirer.

I’m guessing the McConnells won’t be slouching around the mailbox waiting on the Social Security check that will not be forthcoming once the DOGEbags have finished tidying up that messy ol’ feddle gummint he’s finally leaving behind. Not even FEMA will be able to make that dead dog hunt, if only because FEMA will no longer exist.

The Turtle’s venality and the Democrats’ timidity helped bring us to the precipice upon which we teeter. He will not be missed, not even by the players who took comfort in knowing that it was always his turn in the barrel.

Anyway, senators are so 15 minutes ago. We have a king now.

Shell game

~ Patrick O'Grady ~ 36 Comments

The Turtle won’t stick his neck out. Original photo by Susan Walsh | AP

With ’Is Lardship’s second impeachment in hand, The World’s Greatest Deliberative Body™ does … fuck-all.

According to The New York Times, the Turtle has rejected a plea by Democrats to recall the Senate and go to trial. After the House vote to impeach, he said there was “simply no chance that a fair or serious trial could conclude” before Sleepy Joe’s inauguration next week.

In low tones that for some reason emitted from the rear of his shell, The Turtle spake thusly:

“I believe it will best serve our nation if Congress and the executive branch spend the next seven days completely focused on facilitating a safe inauguration and an orderly transfer of power to the incoming Biden administration.”

O, to be sure. The People’s Business been uppermost on his devious little mind ever since he discovered he could run it at a profit for himself.

The good news? The Turtle is said to have sworn that he will never again speak to ’Is Lardship. Boy, that’ll show ’em.