Posts Tagged ‘Voler’

It’s loud and it’s tasteless

March 20, 2019

Sorry, it does not come with fries.

Hur-ry, hur-ry, hur-ry, step right this way!

It’s the first day of spring, and nothing says “spring” quite like a change in wardrobe.

Unless you’re in Colorado, in which case “spring” says “snowshoeing to the liquor store.” Or in the Midwest, where it means “building an Ark.” (The Bible is not particularly helpful here. What the hell is a cubit, anyway? I don’t see any “gopher wood” down at the Home Depot, either. Do I have to go to Hobby Lobby for that?)

Unzip over to Voler to join the team! And no, goddamnit, for the last time, it does not come with fries!

But yeah, everywhere else, wardrobe change. And have we got a deal for you. Mad Dog Media and Voler have teamed up on their first-ever Old Guys Who Get Fat In Winter Spring Jersey Sale!

See, we figure you’ve put on about 15 percent over this long, cold winter. So we’re helping you take 15 percent off, and the easy way, too, by buying something. It’s The American Way™. And it’s cheaper than snowshoes, liquor, and kitty litter for the bottom of that Ark.

Just pop round to the Mad Dog corner of Voler, deploy the Secret Code — OLDGUYS15 — and surrender your money, personal data, and the final tattered remnants of your self-respect.

G’wan, y’fat bastid, take the plunge. Join the team. You need the kit, and we need the laughs. Also, and too, the money. Don’t make me stop the Internet and come back there. We are the goon squad and we’re coming to town, beep-beep.

Offer good until April 1, when the usual foolery will resume.

Fat city

July 27, 2015
It's what the all the well-dressed fat bastards are wearing this season.

It’s what the all the well-dressed fat bastards are wearing this season.

The new kit has landed at El Rancho Pendejo.

As usual, I seem to be between sizes — Voler’s large club suits me fine without an undershirt, but once I (ahem) bulk up for winter I may need to go to an XL. And to think my original is a medium. Sigh.

The full zip is a big improvement over the original edition, and so is the fabric. For starters, it’s lighter, which means you can have that extra donut for breakfast. But you can’t have the shorts — not yet, anyway. Them there is original bibs from Back In the Day™ and we’ve yet to bring them back to hideous life.

Chime in as your jerseys arrive and let me know what you think.

What do I think? I think I’ll go for a ride, that’s what I think. I think.

Suit up

July 16, 2015
At left is the original kit; at right, version 2.0.

At left is the original kit; at right, version 2.0.

The glorious day has arrived: The Old Guys Who Get Fat In Winter jerseys are available for sale now via the Mad Dog Media store at Voler.com.

Big thanks to Patrick Ribera-McKay and Ralph Juarez at Voler for doing all the heavy lifting. I just sat back, and watched, and lit Cuban cigars with thousand-dollar bills.

This is a Produce On Demand deal — production will take seven business days, so it’s not quite like ordering up a 55-gallon drum of personal lubricant on Amazon Prime Day. But considering how long I’ve taken to get around to this little project, another week of unfulfilled craving will seem like a stroll along the beach I plan to buy with my profits.

I’ve already ordered mine, an original yellow model. I still have a first edition of that one, but I never wear it for fear of falling — flesh heals, but Lycra doesn’t.

Rest day

July 13, 2015
Time to exercise something other than my fingers on a keyboard.

Time to exercise something other than my fingers on a keyboard.

Whew. Some folks hate Mondays, but I’m telling you, any day I don’t have some undone chore leering over my shoulder is a very good day indeed.

Those of you who have actual jobs (my condolences) with regular days off (you sonsabitches) may not appreciate how sweet it feels for a freelancer to have a 24-hour period during which absolutely nothing of financial consequence needs doing. It’s like finding a Benjamin in your jeans while doing the laundry, pulling a goathead from a tire to find it still holds air, or hearing a lawyer say, “No charge.”

In a word: Fantastic.

Oh, there are a few items that will require a smidgen of my attention:

• I should hear from Voler today about the online store through which our fondest dreams are to be realized (yours, a new Fat Guy jersey; mine, obscene, unheard of and uncountable wealth).

• The Boo remains in recovery from dental work, and the meds are disrupting his regularity (I fear for our brick floors).

• And we’re still a one-car family, so I snoop around now and again to see if there’s anything out there that’s worth the trip to a car lot for one of those conversations (“Mr. O’Grady, what will it take to get you into this fine pre-owned automobile? Just let me talk to my manager. …”).

But mostly I plan to ride the bike. Blue skies, smiling at me … nothing but blue skies do I see.

Editor’s note: Looks like “Bloom County” is coming back. Getting better all the time. …

Editor’s note the second: Himself speaks with The New York Times.

Tailoring Thursday

July 2, 2015
The new designs in AMP (which I believe stands for Airies Micro Plus, the same fabric used in Adventure Cycling Association jerseys).

The new designs in AMP (which I believe stands for Airies Micro Plus, the same fabric used in Adventure Cycling Association jerseys).

Fabric samples for the revived Old Guys kit from Voler, just in time for the Fourth of July. God bless America.

Fashion Friday, Part 2

June 26, 2015

coming-soonThe fine folks at Voler are beavering away at our little Old Guys Who Get Fat In Winter jersey project.

The original artwork for versions 1 and 2 has been unearthed, some minor alterations in design are being made, and before you can say, “No, really, honey, this is every bit as important as a donation to Habitat for Humanity, Greenpeace or Doctors Without Borders,” an online store will be up and running.

And shortly thereafter I will be doing my best Scrooge McDuck imitation, rolling around in my private vault piled high with greenbacks.

Well, you’ll have some jerseys, anyway. The vault project may take a little more time to get up and running.