Back in the day, we used to joke that OLN was the Only Lance Network. The outfit calls itself Versus now, but the Only Lance Network remains as a multimedia collection of web sites, newspapers and wire services for whom bicycle racing means All Lance, All the Time.
The latest from the OLN is Armstrong’s out-of-competition encounter with a French drug tester — who, according to John Leicester of The Associated Press, is “a man with 15 years of testing experience who teaches other would-be testers about the job and who has worked at the Tour, the Rugby World Cup and the athletics world championships. …”
At issue is a 20-minute shower Armstrong took between encountering the drug tester and the actual tests themselves. He and his people say it was a question of taking time to verify the tester’s bona fides; the French say it was a violation of the International Standard for Testing, which requires an athlete notified of his or her obligation to provide a sample to “(r)emain within direct observation of the DCO/Chaperone at all times from the point of notification by the DCO/Chaperone until the completion of the Sample collection procedure. …”
It all sounds very mundane and annoying until you remember that cycling is home to more dopers than was Haight-Ashbury during the Summer of Love. Take your eye off ’em for a second and they will be up to their bug-spattered Oakleys in human growth hormone, EPO and other people’s blood, frantically trying to cover their tracks like a diarrhetic cat in a litter box full of pot belge. Some jaded sorts, upon hearing on Fox News that Armstrong got busted doing belly shots of Floyd Landis’ Black Jack off Tyler Hamilton’s chimera, might wonder aloud, “Innie or outie?” Not me, of course. But as HST once noted, the world is full of slander.
Nevertheless, Armstrong is predictably outraged, as are his fans, most of whom probably aren’t subject to drug screening as a condition of employment — unless, say, they’re a maintenance worker at a tourist attraction in Bibleburg, a UPS truck driver or a copy editor for The Los Angeles Times. I know this last because I got an interview and a tryout there back in the Eighties, when the LAT was not yet an embarrassment to journalism and Peruvian marching powder was all the rage. I was understandably nervous; after all, you never know where those French fellas are gonna turn up.
But c’mon. What we have here, as a colleague noted wryly, is a pissing match, pure and simple. Armstrong takes a squirt at the French, the French reply in kind, and the rest of us get to sit back and watch, hoping we don’t get splashed.
The scary thing is, it’s more interesting than Le Tour has been for the past few years. Quel dommage!
Late update: Comments seem to have turned themselves off somehow, but only on certain posts. Weird. I think I’ve successfully re-enabled them, but should you find yourself on the wrong side of the moat, staring at a raised drawbridge, drop me a line.
Mad Blog Media 
Seems to be working now. I’m glad; were I unable to pester you virtually, I may have been reduced to riding by your house, tossing pebbles at your windows and looking for a chance to take Turkish hostage.
But seriously, moving on… Pissing match or no, you’d think that you’d know the rules of engagement with anti-doping agencies, were you a seven-time Tour winner and all that rot. My former roomie and good friend Sam Schultz got a 6:00am USADA call at our place once – couldn’t do the deed right away, and thus had two uniformed companions through breakfast, off to college classes, and so on until he was able to give them what they wanted, and never a complaint from Sam. If Sam knows what’s up, so does LA. But then, I suppose Sam has a much better attitude, and not nearly the ego. The French may be out to get the old man, but he doesn’t make it any better for himself by doing exactly the opposite of what he knows he’s supposed to do. Perhaps he thinks himself too good to be tested, too far above the terrible obligations of a professional bicycle racer’s life? Please.
A “pissing match?” So if I get pulled over by the cops for speeding and refuse to give them my license and registration I’m in a “pissing match” with the cops? Wonder if that’ll fly when I get out of the hospital and have to appear in court. Oh, wait a minute, it’s “Lance,” and we all know he’s above the law. He’s not breaking the rules, he’s just in a “pissing match.” If one of the hundreds of other elite cyclists in the world had pulled that crap, would it have been referred to in the American cycling press as a “pissing match?” Alles fur Lance. Lance uber alles.
Señores — Glad to see comments are back in bizniz.
Joey, don’t try putting the “Snatch” on Turkish. You might wind up like Bullet-Tooth Tony. He don’t play. Paws like catcher’s mitts tipped with X-Acto knives, and he hates everything that walks on two legs except for me. Yeah, I’d think a seasoned pro and his handlers would know the Code backwards and forwards. That said, have you ever seen a rich guy get all puffed up and tell a lesser mortal, “Do you know who I am?” Folks who work in restaurants and bars know a good riposte, and I’ll bet dope testers do, too. Po’ folk know better, because they often have slung the hash or the drafts.
Rob, the situations you describe are not strictly analogous. Plus my personal website is not exactly “the American cycling press.” Doping in sport is not illegal — as in “blow twice the legal limit and go to jail” illegal — throughout the world. Some countries take it very seriously indeed, others less so. Plus po’ folks and rich folks often enjoy different treatment under the law, a tradition that crosses state and national boundaries. And whether Armstrong broke the rules remains to be determined. From what I’ve read, there are no completely disinterested parties involved. An American cop might call it “mutual combat” and walk away.
I concede that the analogy is a bit forced, but from what I understand Italians and other European nationals can be jailed for “sporting fraud” or something like that. It’s not strictly criminal in the U.S.-and here’s where Armstrong and others really are allowed to have it both ways. I’ll try to explain.
Your point about doping not being illegal (i.e. criminal) is key to my complaint. Armstrong, Hamilton, and others have in the past suggested (sometimes quite overtly, other times in an implied way) that the idea of “innocent until proven guilty” implies that they are innocent of all since nothing has been proved. As you say, doping is not illegal, so this particular defense is a straw man since they are not being accused of a crime. What they have been accused of (in this partuclar case and others)is violating the rules (as you quoted) of an organization whose rules they have agreed to abide by. They can’t hide behind the innocent until proven guilty criteria for criminal actions. That is not a criteria for banishment or penalty from many professional organizations. You may have read the recent (NYTimes?) article about NYC Public School teachers (hundreds of them) being removed fron their classrooms and put in indefinite hold in a building crowded with their peers, many of whom were removed from teaching duties for the most trivial of reasons. Proven? Doesn’t matter (not criminal). Innocent? Maybe. Lost their jobs? Absolutely.
Patrick, I understand you don’t represent the cycling media in your blog. But for me and thousands of others who have been enjoying your ‘toons and BRAIN articles for many, many years, that line is somewhat blurry. I will use the analogy of the military, an organization with which you are familiar. In the states or on the beach overseas, we were told we represented the Navy 24/7, in uniform or not. I think for many cycling fans (and I mean this as a compliment) you are one of the faces of the cycling media, in lycra or not.
People who willingly work for Lance and who aren’t complete sycophants acknowledge Lance’s behavior by saying, “Well, you know, that’s just Lance being Lance.”
It must be tough to look away or shrug shoulders everytime their boss acts out. But the paychecks and the residual limelight are just too good to pass up, I guess.
Rob,
You are correct to a point. In France it IS illegal to dope. No two ways about it. A few years ago I was watching a surfing contest from Hossegor in the Basque region of France. One of the competitors blew too much of whatever they (the French authorities) were looking for, and he said “adios” to the rest of his season. The Assoc. of Surfing Professionals (much like the UCI) had no say in the matter outside of “he blew too much, therefore he is gone.” In most other countries it would not be that big of a deal, but in France it is. Simple as that.
Now did Lance know about the ‘legality’ of the French law? If he truly didn’t then he is an idiot! On numerous occasions in the past (see the cartton for an example) he was quoted as saying that he did, in fact, know the rules. The law in France is no different than the ‘rules’ implied by the UCI. If you race you know what is banned and what is not. And I do believe that someone who has been to France at least seven times before would know the rules.
And Patrick, while you don’t write ‘columns’ for VeloSnooze or BRAINdead, you are a journalist. Whether or not you rep the cycling industry is open for debate – as numerous Letters to the Editor in BRAINdead have opined over the years.
In fact, YOU are the only cycling journalist who has the cajones to speak his mind and tell it like it is! Remember the difference between slander and the truth is a very fine line; sometimes it IS the line. Keep up the excellent work!
Hi Patrick, saw this story on NPR’s site and thought of Zappadan. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=102907874
I heard that during the 1989 TdF the French journalists got so fed up with Fignon that they decided not to mention his name for three days. Let’s see if we can go three days without mentioning Lance. Betcha it can’t be done. I haven’t seen this much ink spilled over one guy’s collarbone since Tyler Hamilton during the ’03 TdF (and at least he was racing at the time), and now we all get to hear about him taking a shower. If he’s so convinced that the French are out to get him then he shouldn’t have gone off for a shower. Period.
Of course, he did come out of retirement to race for “Lance Awareness”…oh, I’m sorry, “Cancer Awareness” (like there’s somebody out there who hasn’t already heard about cancer).
On a much lighter note than my fellow commentors: “frantically trying to cover their tracks like a diarrhetic cat in a litter box full of pot belge” has to be the best line ever! Classic, O’Grady! You just made my dreary, rainy day that much brighter! Thanks!
John didn’t even make it to the end of the sentence! Classic!