How the hell did I ever get along without fenders?
I tell you, I’d have skipped more than a couple outdoor rides this year without these nifty little plastic mothers. Unless I’m actually racing cyclo-cross — something I haven’t done since 2004 — I’m just not into the freezing, muddy douche up the old exhaust port any more. Cold is bad enough. Cold and wet just plain sucks, especially if you plan to stay out for a while. And washing your kit and bike daily is as much fun as drinking a bottle of cough syrup and watching a chart-wielding Repuglican on C-SPAN.
The roads were particularly filthy today since the sun finally came out and got after that last snowfall, so I slapped a set of Planet Bike fenders on the DBR mountain bike and rode the Greenway Trail for 90 minutes. The Voodoo has fenders, too, but after hitting the deck and dislocating that finger, I’ve decided I like wider tires and a lower center of gravity for a reconnaissance ride in evil weather.
Anyway, it was nice to be outdoors doing something other than running through lumpy snow. I only saw two other cyclists so I get big manly points too. The weatherman says mid-40s tomorrow. Sheeyit, that’s practically tropical. Maybe I’ll ride in a Speedo.
Speaking of things that should not be seen, a local billboard company has rejected a bus-shelter ad that would have displayed the alluring cleavage of — a puppet. The ad, for the touring Broadway production “Avenue Q,” featured the furry pink hooters of Lucy the Slut, one of the stars of the admittedly adult show. Not on my bus shelter, said Lamar Advertising account executive Jeff Moore, who explained his criteria for determining what’s appropriate for bus ads and billboards: “If I have to explain it to my 4-year-old or my grandmother, we don’t put it up.”
That covers a lot of waterfront, there, Jeff old scout. Better invest in a couple sets of blinders for Junior and Granny if you ever plan to leave the house, what with all the titty bars, massage parlors, adult bookstores, XXX theaters and other ungodly sights in our otherwise immaculate Industrial Christian community.
Hell, they might see Doug Bruce. Any sane community would recognize that loudmouthed tub of lard as an obscenity. Alas, our community’s standards are a little looser. When it comes to man-boobs, anyway.
Mad Blog Media 
I’m surprised! No comment from Mad Dog concerning Bibleburg’s latest claim to fame, that is, being featured prominently this afternoon on NPR’s All Things Considered? In case you missed it, the loudly Christian town of Colorado Springs is making news since it is about to make being poor and homeless an offense worthy of a $100 fine per day. Seems they, meaning the Colorado Springs City Council, feel that it makes sense to fine these people for the dastardly crime of “camping” in the town park. NPR even featured a soundbite parade featuring some of Bibleburg’s most upstanding citizens spouting non-sequiters about it being “for their own good” since somehow being fined $100 will finally encourage the homeless to quit being homeless. Oh, and they’re also arranging for the homeless to be handed bus tickets to…anywhere else.
Handing a homeless person a $100 ticket for being homeless sounds exactly like something that Jesus would do, don’t ya think? Gotta hand it to your Colorado Springs Christians, they’re almost as hypocritical as your Grand Junction Tea Partiers.
Meanwhile, dry but cold here in Dysfunction Junction. A road ride is on the schedule tomorrow. Think I’ll gather up every piece of winter gear in my kit and wear it.
Good bit John! I always try to ask these so-called Christians what ol’ Jesus would do when they come up with stuff like this. Our local congressman back in Iowa, the infamous Steve King is one of these bozos – I was kicked out (sort of) his local office after asking his aide exactly who would Jesus deny healthcare to? Can this angry white peoples party, run by Caribou Barbie actually retake control of the US government? I hope not! As to fenders, I’m wishing I had brought my fendered bike here to Italy as I posted earlier — at this time of year they’re wonderful.
I see you didn’t cut the excess rubber ends off the stay ties on those Planet Bike fenders either, Patrick.
I’m still puking after listening to the NPR story about Rick Perry sucking up to Caribou Barbie during the ongoing TX Repugnant primary. Can’t even look at what you guys say is going on in Bibleburg or Dysfunction Junction unless I want to become permanently vomitose.
I’m a big believer in church … I think everyone else should go! Helps keep the streets, slopes, and grocery stores clear for me on Sunday mornings.
(Like a buddy of mine once said, when asked about going to church on a gorgeous Sunday morning, “God’s not going to lock Himself up in a damp, dank, old building on a day like this … He’ll be on the slopes with me!”)
Anyway, just an observation from the cheap seats: the two fastest growing religions in the US are the Mormons and Evangelicals. And a quick scan of their balance sheets shows why. Both strictly enforce tithing amongst their members (my coworkers back in Georgia always complained about having to show their W2 to their pastor, and about arguing with him about whether the 10% was pre-tax or not), and both spend a lot more of their operating budget on internal affairs (recruiting, new buildings, etc) than on good works. Which is interesting because the Bible says to donate 10% of ones earnings to generic good works, the needy, the poor, etc, and not to The Church, Inc. Technically, if you tithe to your self-promoting church, you still owe 10% to someone who really needs it. Because The Church, Inc spent it on the new nail salon and book store in their new megaplex monstrosity.
If you’re ever in Hotlanta, GA, there’s some good country road biking to be found on the south side, in Fayette Country and thereabout. And if you find yourself around Peachtree City, take a ride down Sandy Creek Road. (Use google maps, satellite view, and look for “sandy creek rd and coastline road, georgia.”) Along Sandy Creek Road, you’ll come across two of the biggest freaking houses you’ll ever see. One has a fence / gate structure that cost over $1M, so you have an idea what the actual house cost. And the funny part is, these two homes are owned by Baptist preachers. Somehow these two summbitches think they’re going to get their multiple Lexi and Caddies through the eye of that needle, on the back of the proverbial camel, I suppose, on their way to their ultimate reward.
Wow … that got me going, didn’t it?
But back to your point … fenders rock!
When it comes to getting the masses to do your bidding for you, my top prize goes to the Mormons. Not only do they toss in 10% of their pay, they also foot the bill to send their kids away for 18 to 24 months to drum up more sheep for the church to fleece. Man, what a racket! You get people to not only give you money but to find more people to give you money. It’s like a pyramid scheme without any end! Of course if people are dumb enough to believe in “seer stones” and “gold tablets” then they make for easy marks and kind of get what they deserve.
Dysfunction Junction is pretty much all Evangelicals and Mormons. This place is a black hole for intelligent thought, critical thinking and above average IQ’s. There must be something in the water. I’m waiting for someone to do their Phd in Sociology by studying the delusional locals (which is pretty much all of them), sort of a “Gorillas in the Mist” study.
I count myself as a follower of Jesus. Professional Christian make me sick. My only hope is that when they get to heaven, someone will smack them upside the head.