The Trojan bicycle

Dan Maes is challenging Tom Tancredo for the title of Craziest Coloradan, and he’s making a pretty good show of it.

Each B-cycle contains a dehydrated battalion of blue-helmeted slavemasters from the United Nations. Simply add fluoridated water and presto! One-world government!

Each B-cycle contains a dehydrated battalion of blue-helmeted slavemasters from the United Nations. Simply add fluoridated water and presto! One-world government!

According to The Denver Post, Maes told a campaign rally last weekend that Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper — whom Maes hopes to face in the governor’s race — plans to use Trojan bicycles to deliver the unwary residents of Denver into the Marxist mitts of the United Nations.

“This is all very well-disguised, but it will be exposed,” Maes told about 50 supporters who showed up at a campaign rally last week in Centennial. “These aren’t just warm, fuzzy ideas from the mayor. These are very specific strategies that are dictated to us by this United Nations program that mayors have signed on to.”

Maes said later that he was referring to Denver’s membership in the International Council for Local Environmental Initiatives, an international association that promotes sustainable development. About half its 1,200 member communities are in the United States, according to The Post.

The smoking gun here apparently is Denver’s B-Cycle bike-sharing program, funded by private donors and grants, and Hickenlooper’s support for alternative modes of transportation, bicycling among them. Because nothing says socialism, atheism and one-world government like folks getting around by pushing two pedals instead of one.

• Late update: One of the systemwide sponsors of this commuting-for-commies scheme is Quiznos, a Denver-based sandwich chain — would you like fries with your Russian sub, comrade? — which also happens to be the title sponsor of the eight-day stage race Colorado is supposed to be getting next year. Arise, ye prisoners of starvation — you have nothing to lose but your chains. Just ask Andy Schleck.

Tags: , ,

26 Responses to “The Trojan bicycle”

  1. barry Says:

    Now Patrick…everyone knows God put all that oil down there for us Amurcans to use as we wish. Any agenda that tries to steer us away from using copious amounts of said oil is not only an agenda against Amurca…it’s an agenda against God!

  2. Fripphead Says:

    What a world! What a world!

  3. khal spencer Says:

    Its hard to believe that politicians can get so far by sounding like complete nut cases. Says something pretty tragic about the public, doesn’t it?

    Back in the early seventies, it was the left that strained credibility. That was before College Republicans. We had this scruffy looking Marxist student at the University of Rochester who would periodically jump onto a table in the dining hall during dinner and launch into a rant on the need to remake the U.S. into a Marxist-Leninist state. While in retrospect it might not have been worse than the following thirty five years of predatory capitalism, such antics were either ignored or if our activist friend persisted, answered with a barrage of airborne mashed potatoes.

    Nowdays, fanatical ranting and raving, especially from the Lunatic Right, seems to have enough credibility to get one elected rather than covered with processed spuds. I guess we really have been dumbed down.

  4. Ben S Says:

    Yes and look at the success the Velolib program has had in turning Paris into a glum, drab Marxist-Leninist police state.

  5. Patrick O'Grady Says:

    Somehow I don’t think Denver is in danger of becoming either Beijing or Amsterdam. Hell, some days it’s barely even Denver.

  6. Jeff in PetroMetro Says:

    Yeah–what Barry said.

    Oh, and if we don’t use oil as fast as we can, the Chinese will use it instead. Damned Godless Chinese.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to drive to Walmart so I can buy some stuff made in China.

    Oh, Khal, I printed that David Stockman op/ed that you attached yesterday. It’s such a good piece. I can’t wait to read his new book. Sadly, no one in public office will read it or could understand it if they tried.

  7. Jon Paulos Says:


    I get so envious when I read stuff like this. Here in York, PA we only have the garden variety nutcases and they don’t work very hard at being crazy, living as they do in an environment of like-minded individuals. But Colorado, now there’s entertainment for you. Are you sure they aren’t just getting their speeches written by the Onion?

  8. chris Says:

    Hey, if I recall correctly (and there is good reason to suspect I might not), it was Chairman O’Grady himself who was jumping on tables back in the college dining hall, ranting about the rising up of the proletariat to throw off the capitalist shackles and create a better world as described in a little red book.
    But I might have been hallucinating…

  9. khal spencer Says:

    I fell out of my chair when I read Jon Paulos’ comment about the Onion writing Dan Maes’ speeches. That really does sum it up.

    Jeff, you are right that Stockman is probably over people’s heads. When my wife finally gave up trying to teach first year college students in Hawaii, about 60% of our high school grads who entered the Univ. of Hawaii system placed into remedial math and about 40% into remedial English. Which itself is seriously dumbed down from when I was a drunken, chemically-altered first year college student. Goes a long way towards explaining why the present voting public can’t figure out what Stockman is talking about. Heck, more often than not if I go to a store and the cashier has to make change, their eyes glaze over into the equivalent of the Blue Screen of Death. Ctrl-alt-del…

  10. khal spencer Says:

    Patrick should re-post that picture taken of him in his youthful glory.

  11. Larry T. Says:

    As my wife likes to say when I wonder out loud how crap like this happens — “people are stupid”. Just read today our right-wing crackpot, Steve King will have another bozo joining him on the campaign trail, good ol’ Rick Santorum. The Stockman thing will just get the ol’ “don’t confuse me with the facts, my mind’s made up!” response from all the TEA Party wing-nuts…they don’t care about the economy, it’s all about their personal tax bill. Then there’s Newt ranting about the muslims taking over — maybe the Italians will give me a visa extension?
    On the food note (if you can call what they sell at Quizno’s food) BigTex and the Denver sandwich mavens will bring back big-time stage racing to Colorado? Michael Aisner’s even involved? THERE is some GREAT NEWS folks! Might even have to do a non-Italian CycleItalia road trip next August to see that as August is a probably the worst month to be in Italy as everyone’s on vacation.

  12. khal spencer Says:

    If you do that next August, let me know. I might sign up.

  13. Larry T. Says:

    Sorry, I didn’t mean a CYCLEITALIA tour to see the Tour of Colorado…we’d just drive over from Iowa to see it. We’ve had requests over the years for such things but where would be put folks up? Super 8? Where would be feed them? Olive Garden? You get the idea — CycleItalia is well, in ITALIA where the great roads, food, hotels, culture, etc. are located. What we could produce in the USA would pale in comparison though we DO offer a self-guided package in Santa Barbara for the off-season when the weather is terrible most everywhere else. We were able to find a very nice lodging there with some European character and there are enough Italian-inspired eateries that one can fake it (sort of) and do something when even the weather in Italy is not so good. But in Colorado? Not for us, though I’d bet there will be more than few enterprising bike tour operations jumping on this race in the way they’ve gotten into taking folks to see Le Beeg Shew, etc.
    With BigTex involved, the tour company named after a certain bike company in Wisconsin will surely have something on offer as will others who follow races in various parts of the world.

  14. John Says:

    Y’know, Maes might actually be on to something here. Those B-Cycle bikes are RED after all. Hmmmmm.

  15. John Says:

    Jason Linkins of Huffington Post picked this up —

    He had a fine phrase for Maes: “… deeply, unquenchably crazy.”

  16. Larry T. Says:

    I’m sure ol’ Steve King will make sure we have no commie bike sharing programs in HIS district! This stuff truly is The ONION come true — ya can’t make this shit up! Gimmee a ticket to Chicago, I’m going to go beg the Italian Consulate for another visa! I’ll come back as a visitor to see BigTex’s race next August in CO, I promise!

  17. Jeff Cozad Says:

    Damn… He’s on to us. At least your Wing Nut isn’t in office. Our’s, Rep Steve King 5th District in Iowa, is. Here’s his latest bit of “thinking”.

  18. khal spencer Says:

    Check out the Denver Post link. According to their informal poll, 17.7% of respondents take Maes’ concerns seriously. I didn’t know that 17.7% of the public deserved a fully equipped rubber room. Now there is an opportunity for money to be made…

  19. david Says:

    You know guys, I don’t know if I need to pay more attention to all the political b.s. coming down now or just keep on ignoring it, as I’ve been trying to do ever since we tried (well, succeeded really) to burn down the BofA building in Isla Vista in ’70. I mean, ferchrissakes, who is this nut-case in Iowa? People listen to this crap, and take it on board? Seriously? Larry T has been talking of this Steve King bozo for a while now, and Jeff’s link above seals it: this is just bat-shit crazy. King actually said this: “when he divided mankind, he fixed the borders of the peoples according to the number of the sons of God.” WTF?

    I can’t handle it any more.

    Larry, meet me in Firenze next week. I’ll pick you up there, we shoot down to our place in Castellina, do a long ride through the Tuscan hills, have an extended pranzo in Montefioralle and we think about what it’s gonna take to get our sorry asses over there full time – and way from all the crazy…

  20. John Says:

    So let’s see: if you’re a fairly reasonable Republican in Colorado (assuming there are any), your choices for Governor come down to Tom “Constitution Tea Party” Tancrado, Dan “Bikes are a Commie plot” Maes, and Scott “copy and paste for $300 grand” McInnis. Almost makes me feel sorry for them.

    Not really.

  21. Larry T. Says:

    The scariest thing about King (don’t know about the others) is in-person he seems fairly normal, I think this is all political theater for him. He’s not insane but he knows a large portion of his supporters ARE! I went to his so-called healthcare forum last year. In the guise of hearing what the voters think he presented a carefully scripted bit on why “socialized medicine” is evil, etc. Anyone, like yours truly, with an opposing view was almost instantly shouted down by the crazed rabble in the room. Despite the overwhelming majority of folks there who complained about insurance companies trying to deny coverage and explained how happy they were with Medicare, King’s presentation continued unabated — cheered on by the rabble. The majority of folks waddled back to their SUV’s satisfied King was working for their best interests, despite the fact that more of them would have less insurance and healthcare if he had his way. He’s introduced legislation to overturn the healthcare laws in a similar fashion to what the boobs down in MO just voted for.
    David — maybe I’ll just come over on the standard tourist visa and become a “clandestino” as they call illegal immigrants…or perhaps one of our Italian friends might adopt me? We’ll get outta here sooner rather than later, let me tell you!
    At least this weekend I’ll cook up some tuscan-style grub here on the steamy plains of Iowa — how’s the weather in Toscana now?

  22. Larry T. Says:

    Here’s a ray of hope –
    So-called Christians make up the bulk of supporters of guys like Steve King. The good news is they’re going the way of the dinosaur either from natural causes or defection. Who said, “I have no problem with Jesus, it’s his followers who scare the hell out of me?” As I walked out of King’s local office one time I asked his assistant, “Who would Jesus deny healthcare to?” She mumbled something about donating a coat for poor people who were cold, but “not one dime for anyone who’s burned out their brain with dope!” So loving, so kind – these Republicans.

  23. Steve O Says:

    I can’t wait until 2040, when elections are replaced with simulations and the candidates are HAL and UNIVAC.

  24. khal spencer Says:

    In person, I’m sure Joseph Goebbels was normal but he knew his audience: uneducated, scared shitless of the hyperinflation and depression of the ’20s and early 30’s, pissed off by having their faces rubbed in cow shit at Versailles, and vulnerable to being led down the yellow brick road.

    So we have a country that is broke, owes our underwear to China, is vulnerable to oil shieks, tied up in an endless war against a culture we find bizarre, increasingly illiterate due in part to the purposeful dismantling of our public school system, pissed off, and scared shitless.

    Scary shit, eh?

  25. Jeff in PetroMetro Says:

    Khal: Yep, that about sums it up.

  26. Larry T. Says:

    Scary enough that I’m working harder than ever (like David) on finding a way to MOVE!

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: