Whew. Long week in the old VeloBarrel, helping cover the likes of the Tour of Qatar, for reasons that elude me. I mean, props to anyone putting on a bike race anywhere, but jeez, we’re not exactly talking Paris-Roubaix here. The comedic cyclist-rides-camel pic is right up there with the obligatory Tour de France sunflowers shot as one for the who-gives-a-shit file.
There is other “news,” of course. Alberto Clenbutador is telling anyone who will listen about his innocence and how he will fight until the last dog is dead. Stop the presses, boss, we’ve never heard that one before. Now he’s said to have given up beef, just in case. Better become a Breatharian, ‘Berto old scout; it’s the only way to be sure. And try not to inhale around anyone using an inhaler, burning a fatty, operating a chemical plant, etc., et al., and so on and so forth.
And then there’s Riccardo Riccò, that silly shit. If he really managed to transfuse his dumb ass with some bum blood, then Fabian Cancellara has it exactly right: Send him to the moon. Pow, right in the kisser! One of these days, Riccò, straight to the moon!
Hey, the moon would be an upgrade from this place lately. It’s 6 degrees right now in Bibleburg and we’re looking at a low around zero, 2 degrees, something like that. Plus there’s no Innertubes on the moon, so you don’t have to read about 20-something fuckwits who mistook the ketchup bottle for the blood bag when it came time to gas up for the Tour Med.
Mad Blog Media 
“…World time trial champion Aerith R. O’Poiten (Pfitzer-GlaxcoSmithKline), currently riding the Tour of Hematocrit, told L’Equipe: “I think we should send him to the moon. That’s all, because what kind of person doesn’t understand about how to store blood safely? Once an idiot, always an idiot. I am sorry for his health, but in a way that is his problem because he created it himself. It yet again makes us cyclists appear as morons who cannot dope without getting caught… “
Hey, K … Do you suggest that the general outrage stems not from the Cobra allegedly endangering his health through proscribed practices, but rather from his apparently having gotten caught, and stupidly, at same? Have you no sense of decency, sir? At long last, have you left no sense of decency. … bwaaaaaah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Today we are engaged in a final, all-out battle between blood doping and honest racing. The modern champions of doping have selected this as the time, and ladies and gentlemen, the chips are down — they are truly down. I have here in my hand a list of over two hundred and five professional bike racers that were known to the Secretary of the UCI as being members of the International Doping Conspiracy and who nevertheless are still working and shaping the policy of the Professional Peloton.
Any man who has been given the honor of riding the Tour de France and who says, “I will protect another rider who protects dopers,” is not fit to wear that kit, sir.
Oh, Lord, this sport of ours is a howler. Its transgressors recall the late, great Richard Pryor, who famously described a man caught in congress with a woman not his wife and explaining thusly: “No, I was not fucking her. I don’t care what you thought you saw, I was not fucking her. Now, are you gonna believe me or your lyin’ eyes?”
I feel bad for the one honest racer out there who has to put up with all this shit.
Before it gets stale, I’ll stop re-writing Joe McCarthy’s speeches…
If there is one honest racer left, he’s probably been relegated to Team Fluffer in Imcleanistan. It’s a one-man team. It’s a very small country. The racing there is not fast enough, or long enough, or brutal enough to attract $5,000,000 per annum sponsors. So, instead of cash, he gets paid in small bottles of water-based lubricant.
I have to give our sport a pat on the back for trying to catch the bad guys. Ricco? He catches himself. There’s not much effort in chasing down his sorry ass. What a junkie.
Rick: How can you close me up? On what grounds?
Captain Renault: I’m shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!
[a croupier hands Renault a pile of money]
Croupier: Your winnings, sir.
Captain Renault: [sotto voce] Oh, thank you very much.
[aloud]
Captain Renault: Everybody out at once!
Just when you think things can’t get any worse, Tricky Ricky’s back and up to his old tricks. Now all we need is for BigTex (assuming he cheated too of course) to get indicted by the feds.
Maybe, finally, the IOC’s Rogge will call ol’ Heinie and “Hotair” McQuaid and tell them “The jig is up. You guys and your federation are done – out of the Games. Game-over. Until you’re gone and the folks who take your sport over can demonstrate transparency and a genuine effort to clean up this SHIT…don’t bother us!”
ASO could do that too, they’re probably the only other group with the clout (assuming of course that THEY want things cleaned up) to blow up and rebuild pro cycling.
Otherwise it’s WWE time and Vince MacMahon should take over “Hotair” McQuaid’s post. At the end of the race the riders can hit each other with folding chairs and slug it out when Cavendish hooks Farrar, while a hand-picked group of barely-dressed, slutty women cheer them on. They can show it on TV on Saturday nights right after COPS! Fox might pay a hefty chunk of dough for the broadcasting rights.
Whoa, Khal, I worry about you. So much past life/karmic negative energy. I fear that, come the March Equinox of 2013, that the energies in the final steps of Ascension will cause your head to burst just like on Scanners. Because, as you already know, these negative energies cannot be taken to the 5D Earth or to a higher vibration. So clear yourself of this past life negative karmic what-ya-ma-call-its now, before it’s too late.
You gotta admit, though, it makes more sense than Scientology.
Gee. Maybe when we get to 5 dimensions (or 5 dementias?) even I can win a bike race? Even if its just the Tour de Camino Uva.
Larry T, Khal, and John: Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! I just blew a little espresso on my keyboard. Thanks. Now I have to clean up.
By the way, there’s a video on cyclingnews.com this morning with Cavendish. He finishes his comments about Ricco with this: “I hope he becomes someone’s bitch in prison.” I’m not too clear about Cavendish’s position on this topic, but I think he’s a little frustrated.
Anybody have any word on Ricco’s current medical condition? A temperature of 41C (105.6F) and kidney failure does not bode well for this guy.
I haven’t seen word one on Riccò’s condition. Dude has really burned his bridges. The only stuff I’m seeing comes from his bros in the peloton calling him a thousand different kids of asshole. I expect his visitors in hospital will be there largely in some official capacity.
Well, maybe the peloton is actually trying to clean itself up and is “mad as hell and not going to take it any more”. I would almost believe that. My theory has always been that its not the individual riders (esp. new ones) who are dirtiest, but the management and leaders who feel compelled to push dope in the name of the almighty Euro. Kinda like the arms race. If the other guy is doing it…
I wonder who would donate a kidney to Ricco should he need one.
Sounds like Ricco nearly won the Darwin Award. Why add insult to injury?
Oddly, the Italian press seems to have clammed up (what’s the Italian word for “clam”, anyway?) on this; very uncharacteristic. I suppose that their version of HIPPAA does something to protect patient confidentiality. He may be beyond something as simple as a kidney transplant…
I have the suspicion that some of his fellow peloton pedalers are upset that their favorite method of blood storage has been compromised. Which reminds me, I need to check the temperature chart on the blood bank reefer in the lab…
Patrick, just curious on what ungodly time you had to wake-up to report on the CX World Cup race (and why are they still racing after the Worlds?). Why is everyone so up-in-arms over the latest roadie-fag who got caught? Home-phlebotomy is simply another tool these “tools” have in their kits–the real tragedy will occur as our beloved road racers start to have complex medical issues due to their diligence in trying “new things”–oh wait thats whats currently happening, fucking sad.☭
Tricky Ricky’s gal-pal cleaned up the crib before the cops showed up but I think the peloton is upset because it’s just another scandal, not because the “Little Pharmacist” (his nickname from his early days) actually tried to cheat. It’s just that he got caught. As my friend Chairman Bill points out in his recent bit about the protests against the radio ban, the riders are the same group who protested when doping controls were brought in back-in-the-day! The so-called “omerta” was created by them. Name a guy who ratted out all those who helped him dope, then was welcomed back to “la famiglia” once his suspension was over. C’mon, name one. I’ll bet the Cobra denies saying anything about transfusing his own blood and blames his trouble on something he ate…maybe the rest of Il Pistolero’s steak….?
Larry T, you say “barely-dressed, slutty women” like it’s a bad thing.
Larry, that’s why the Dons and Lieutenants need to be busted. No point in going after the soldiers unless they are provided the reason to “sing” and then protected after they rat out the bosses. Amnesty for everyone who sings, lifetime ban for those who are caught afterwards. No different than the mob, as we discussed in an earlier blog entry.
I vaguely recall the days when EPO was new and a few riders dropped dead. Creating a home-made blood bank seems incredibly stupid unless you know what you are doing, i.e., have some medical training. These guys need to watch a few of their fellow riders go down with severe septicemia. Maybe the message will get through. But I doubt it.
Khal,
Back in the late 80’s and early 90’s, it was mostly dead Dutchmen. Oosterbosch was the most famous that I recall. There were a bunch of young ones, early 20’s. I’m not sayin’ what caused them to have heart attacks in their sleep. I’m just stating what I read. It might have been genetic, or enlarged hearts from strenuous exercise. Yeah. Probably that.
Probably not genetic. It was probably enlarged “hearts” from exposure to all those barely-dressed slutty women.
Bloodin’, it’s not so bad, covering a Euro-’cross from Colorado. I get up about 6:30 a.m., grab some java and then start taking notes while watching streaming video, which generally kicks in around 7. I can usually have a short story posted within five minutes of the finish and an expanded version online in 15 (years of practice).
As to doping, now, I’d be in favor of a Truth and Reconciliation Commission in Cycling. Everyone gets the chase to ’fess up, rat out suppliers, coaches, directors, doctors, and then we start the next season with a presumption of innocence and a firm “one strike and you’re out forever” policy.
There has to be a loaded gun cocked and aimed at management’s head, too. None of this shit would be going on without enablers higher up, and there are so damn’ many people making their little stash of cash out of this sport (me among them).
The risk, of course, is that we destroy the sport while trying to save it. If enough riders and support people say, “Naw, I won’t do that, I’d rather go assemble widgets in a Brussels factory,” there goes pro cycling. This might not be much of a loss to society, but still, damn. What are we supposed to watch then? Triathlon? Oh, God. …
The barely-dressed, slutty-looking women are over in MOTOGP or WWE. Cycling really doesn’t need them. Even the Italians have toned down the T and A in their podium “misses” as they call them.
There were plenty of stories back-in-the-day of early EPO experiments where the rider would be hooked up to a heartrate monitor connected to a warning buzzer, so if his heartrate dropped too low while sleeping, he would then get up and jump on a trainer to move the sludge around, like warming up a diesel engine on a cold day! Now and then the alarm failed or the guy was as dumb as Tricky Ricky and decided to sleep without it, went to sleep and never woke up. Landis described how you needed to keep the bowl of cold water you floated your blood bag in filled with ice while in the fridge, explaining as long as there was solid ice present, the temperature was just right. Ricky might have forgotten to replenish the ice or the Italian electricity went out (which happened to us plenty of times while living in Viterbo last year) and his blood got a bit too warm? The rest, as they say (almost including Ricky) is history.
I don’t support amnesty for anyone but the riders themselves, since they are the only ones risking their health with doping. The docs, directors and others in on the scheme should just be banned from the sport for life..end of story. Riders who rat them out after being caught should be eligible to get a less-than-lifetime ban to encourage them to talk. If they fess up BEFORE they’re caught, but still rat everyone else out, perhaps they could get some form of amnesty.
Then there is the German version of Balco that showed up in the news yesterday –
http://www.spiegel.de/international/germany/0,1518,744401,00.html
Hey, Jeff … it kind of makes me giggle that this pops up right around the time that German TV decides to drop live coverage of Le Tour because cycling is full of dope fiends (the official reason, naturally, being poor ratings).
“…The warehouse contained a cache of illegal anabolic steroids, small bottles containing the calf-fattening drug clenbuterol ..”
So much for tainted beefsteaks. So do we get to see names?
Moo-ving on up … to the big time. …
So Patrick, can we expect a good Foaming Rant tomorrow? So much grist, so little mill time…
K, you ask, I deliver: http://velonews.competitor.com/2011/02/news/fridays-foaming-rant-to-the-moon-ricco_159724
Nice one, too. Thanks!