To Austin’s dope dealers

Asshat
Someone give the poor sod a Plexiglas belly button so he can see where he's going.

A grateful nation sends its thanks to whichever one of you is selling the chronic to Gov. Rick “Goodhair” Perry. The Republic is remarkably resilient, but I’m not certain it could survive another Lone Star shit-for-brains who can’t maintain.

Y’all deserve a Presidential Medal of Freedom, or at least a get-out-of-jail-free card.

SOPWAMTOS lives!

Back in the day, when Interbike was smaller and less regimented, Bruce Gordon, Mark Norstad, David diFalco and a few other folks united under the banner of the Society of People Who Actually Make Their Own Shit (SOPWAMTOS) would present the annual Golden Toiddy Awards.

A parade through the aisles would feature dancing girls spinning titanium hula hoops, gents wearing Bruce Gordon fezzes, Mickey Mouse panties and damn’ little else, and Mark and Bruce — the two Self-Appointed Co-Dictators for Life — being wheeled along on a golden litter.

My Golden Toiddy
My Golden Toiddy, awarded for Excellence In Bad Taste. It's always nice to see one's efforts noticed.

The highlight was always the presentation of the Golden Toiddys, cleansed, spray-painted and hand-lettered toilet seats liberated from a dump near Petaluma, California. The SOPWAMTOS motto was “Standing for Rudeness and Truth in the Bike Business,” and the awards always had a strong flavor of a Friar’s Club roast emceed by Jeffrey Ross.

Cannondale’s Joe Montgomery got the “Smoke & Mirrors” award the first two years and loved it. Specialized’s Mike Sinyard got the inaugural “Best R&D (Rip-off & Duplicate)” award and was reportedly less pleased.

I even got one, for “Excellence In Bad Taste,” and was delighted. But not as delighted as I was to learn that SOPWAMTOS is enjoying something of a renaissance as a place where cyclists can buy good old made-in-USA products, among them White Industries hubs, Bruce Gordon brakes and other goodies. Other products said to be coming soon include items from King Cage, Paul Components, Phil Wood, Thomson and Wald Sports.

I immediately bought myself an official SOPWAMTOS T-shirt, as I am engaged daily in the design, creation and wholesale distribution of what some will wholeheartedly agree can be described only as shit.

Didn’t see any BG fezzes in the online store though, dammit. How’s an old bald guy supposed to keep the melanomas off his noggin when he’s parading around in his Mickey Mouse panties?

Oh, deer

Turkish surprise
The Turk' has that sinking feeling as Daylight Saving Time comes to an end.

The weather went a bit sideways on us this week, briefly taking a distinctly Novemberish turn. Snow, wind and cold — the combination put me out of sorts, as the first frigid wedgie of winter always does. If I wanted to wear long pants all the time I’d have grown up by now.

I slouched around indoors, squatted at the computer and took far too many pictures of the cats, so many that a Facebook friend complained, “Man, I know it’s cold outside, but you need to get out for some fresh air.”

So today, after Daylight Saving Time crapped in our clocks, I took his advice. Herself had been out earlier wearing everything in her closet, but we cyclo-crossers are made of sterner stuff (even the retired geezerly ones). So come afternoon, once the VeloPile had dwindled to a workable size, I slipped out for a short ride clad in the basics — wool socks, leg warmers, bibs, two long-sleeve jerseys, long-fingered gloves, tuque, and the old Giro helmet that fits over a heavy-duty skullcap. You know; manly kit.

I chose a leisurely ride I call The Four Parks because it takes in (wait for it) four parks. No hustle, no hassle, no hurry; just stretching the legs and enjoying the endorphins. My fellow Bibleburgers were entranced by the feetsball, some faux military struggle between wild horses and buccaneers that kept them off the streets and glued to the One Big Eye. Thoughts of crimes against the State and Nature receded into the distance like farts in a whirlwind.

My spectators included a four-point buck guarding his harem with one eye on me. A few miles further along there was another four-pointer who could have been his twin brother, also with kinfolk in tow. And finally a mother and daughter, the latter wobbling all over the path on a pink bike.

I performed the traditional Laying of Hands Upon the Brake Levers, because it’s unseemly for cantankerous baldheaded tosspots to run down children, even among the libertarians. Words of four letters and one syllable queued up behind my clenched teeth, awaiting deployment.

And then the kid waved joyously, squealing, “Hi!”

Mom grinned and shrugged, and I retracted my venom-tipped fangs.

“Hi!” I replied with a smile as I rolled past, both mitts still on the levers (hey, I’m flexible, not foolish).

And then I rolled casually back to my own family, deciding to cook up a pot of chile con carne, just like the one Mom used to make.