Th-th-th-that’s ALL, folks

Cadel Evans packed it in today. The last straw was a crook gut — well, that, and a Team Sky support crew that appears to be composed entirely of old Superman robots laid off by the Fortress of Solitude during this interminable economic downturn.

I’ve watched more than a few of these Tour de France thingies over the years, for free and for pay, and this drawn-out foregone conclusion won’t leave even itty-bitty mousie tracks on what remains of my mind come Sunday. It was decided at the first time trial, way back at stage nine, when the song-and-dance team of Bradley Wiggins and Chris Froome tap-stomped the allegedly clean pee out of everyone save Fabian Cancellara. To him, they granted the lowest step on the podium. (“Arise, Sir Fabian. But not too far.”)

Wiggo’ had nearly two minutes on Evans after the time trial, and by the time ‘Is Lordship reaches Paris the defending champ will need to hack into the Very Large Array to see Wiggins and Froome ascending the podium.

A crypto-PETA vet would have put this wobbly mutt down long ago. Yet we in the sporting press must watch it limp two-legged to the Champs-Élysées on Sunday, powerless to bust a cap in its raggedy ass lest it cease sweating money into our beggars’ bowls.

Meanwhile, chapeau to riders like Peter Sagan, Thomas Voeckler, Chris Anker Sorensen, Tejay Van Garderen, Jens Voigt and the others who have pre-empted this tiresome funeral march with their valiant quests for stage wins, team glory or the lesser grails — green, polka dot and white.

Feel free to add your own heroes in comments.

19 Responses to “Th-th-th-that’s ALL, folks”

  1. khal spencer Says:


  2. brokenlinkjournalism Says:

    My hero….would be the dude/tte(s) who tacked the course.

    That is assuming that I can’t (shan’t) say that my true heroes are the guys who used to race 15 years ago when we cared less about urine samples and more about the riders’ ability to plug themselves into a hole.

    Happy 15th Anniversary to the Alpe record:

    RIP Marco Pantani

  3. Chris Says:

    Cadel just needs a little Jack Daniels tonite — along with some Floyd’s Magic Testosto-Juice — and he’ll be good to go in the ayem.

  4. Richard Long Says:

    I had to leave the telly to go to work; did I miss anything?

  5. C.L.H. Says:

    I think Chris Horner has been riding under the cloak invisible his entire career. He finished 9th today with nary a mention from the announcers. They mentioned the guy who finished before him, and the guy who finished after him… I’m biased because I’m from Oregon, but I think he deserves more recognition than he receives.

  6. Steve O Says:

    Charles Pelkey!

  7. Ira Says:

    Cudos to Tommy V, he always gives it his best. Too bad Garmin couldn’t stay upright. Ryder said he was feeling stronger than in the Giro. He’d likely have been blown away in the TT’s, but it would have been interesting to see what he could do in the mountains.

  8. Dale Brigham Says:

    So, I am not eager to criticize a rider who otherwise seems pretty commendable, but can some medico in England possibly give Wiggins a personality transplant? Just about anybody will do as a donor, given the baseline they have to work with. I don’t ever recall a more joyless, grim, whiny (I think the Brits term it “whinging”) acquisition and defense of the maillot jaune. Is this just his “war face,” or is that all there is to Brad? (Compare and contrast with Tommy V., who makes every stage win look like divine intervention is involved, and for which he is apparently grateful.)

    • Larry T. Says:

      +1 I hoped to hear about some fireworks while I was sealed in the aluminum tube crossing the Atlantic today…but zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz is all we get. BRAVO to Vincenzo Nibali for giving it a try on a course pretty much made for the “kill ’em in the chrono, defend in the mountains” style. Pretty effective, but OH SO BORING to watch. Le Beeg Shew 2012 will certainly go down in the history books (unless you’re a Wiggo fan) as a real snoozer.

    • High Plains Drifters Says:

      Weird thing is, he’s been a pretty funny interview subject for the last 12 years. Guessing it’s just the yellow tunic that’s causing the Defcon 4 shields up

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      Dale, I’m with you. Wiggo’ reminds me of the late Graham Chapman doing a bit about Tour riders. And I do mean the late Graham Chapman, because Graham was a funny sonofabitch while he was still alive.

  9. Chris Says:

    Wiggo and UK Postal .. er ah Sky == most uninspired TDWTF since Lance.
    The dong miester may have saved todays stage if twitter is any measure.

  10. High Plains Drifters Says:

    Might be a boring Tour if the GC is the end-all, be- all, but we are seeing history.

    No one has ever won Paris-Nice, the Tour of Romandie, the Critérium du Dauphiné and the Tour de France all in the same season. Not even Fast Eddy.

  11. khal spencer Says:

    You got some nice young folks living up there in Aurora, CO, Patrick. WTF? It sounds like one should be packing heat to go out for a movie or to Whole Foods even.

  12. High Plains Drifters Says:

    Well, I feel like a fucking idiot. Well we’re herbs orbiting a bike race, some nut job shut up a movie theater in Aurora Colorado. Not like there’s anything any of us could’ve done about it, but I feel little guilty for being in my own world

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