It makes a man’s eyes damp, for sure

At times one wonders how many of the online readers of VeloNews.com were the only children of overprotective hippie parents, Montessori grads, or home-schooled by feebs who think the Bible was written in American by dinosaur-riding Christian cowboys.

Velo’s annual awards issue names the Schleck brothers the International Disappointment of the Year and the comments section fairly overflows with tears on the Luxembourgers’ behalf. I’ll bet the Suits who pay their salaries are muttering, “You fuckin’ A,” along with more than a few of their teammates and maybe even their old man.

Some of these sensitive types who think the cycling press should focus only on sweetness and light should re-examine the last 15 years of uncritical paeans to various dope fiends for a refresher on just how well that worked out. They might also skim some of our mainstream sports coverage, in which underachieving, overpaid stars are routinely power-washed with ice-cold horseshit by fat fucks whose primary athletic achievement is getting out of bed in the morning without stroking out.

Hell, Andy Schleck would hang himself over the bidet by his pantyhose if his every utterance was “enhanced” by a comments section. You give me 20 percent of his 2012 salary for riding the pine and I’ll have 15 years’ worth of my hate mail tattooed on my body. There should be just enough room if we keep the text to 5.5 point, the size sports pages once used for results.

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13 Responses to “It makes a man’s eyes damp, for sure”

  1. brokenlinkjournalism Says:

    Hell I forgot all about VeloSchnooze (or whatever the dorks in Solana Beach decided to call it)…..and I am itching to click and find out more. But then I remember that they were so far up the drugged, doped and tri-geeks’ asses that I will just post here instead.
    If only because this blog is 1000 times more informative, entertaining and humorous.
    In that light: are you planning an ‘award issue’ Patrick??

  2. khal spencer Says:

    Old man Schleck is probably right. They should get other jobs.

  3. High Plains Drifters Says:

    Good to see Neal and Brian dish it out in the comments section. VeloNews has its problems, but there are still a lot of good dudes there.

  4. Libby Says:

    Patrick, my eyes hurt from the painful word pictures you paint. I’m not chastising you , I’m applauding your artistry.
    I’m going to check out VN now.

  5. Pat O'Brien Says:

    I went to VN, read the piece, and then looked at the comments. The comments were what I expected; they were the same worthless banter, defense of favorite riders, or the never ending quest for perfection, or as the cycling world (present company excepted) zero tolerance. Hang ’em, and hang ’em high they chant. Crucify those scumbag dopin sumbitches. And of course, the always present, ” what about the rider who shall not be named, you know Lance. The worst human being ever born. And the poor Schlecks are now one half doper and one half wheel sucking crybaby, has been,who also has a taste every now and then. After all, he is on the team that included the devil himself.

    Damn, I’m tired of this shit. That is why I am here. My favorite story this year is Patrick’s short touring getaway. Should have got a Pulitzer prize.

  6. Larry T. Says:

    Not to take ANYTHING away from you, oh great one, but here’s another great rant about these things
    http://www.flandriacafe.com/2012/12/forget-racing-politics-stuff-is-way.html

  7. Jon Paulos Says:

    I read the “biggest disappointment” story when it came out, just read it again after POG’s posting. Something seemed odd to me the first time, and it finally hit me after reading Patrick’s post about it.

    V’news didn’t have the courage of their convictions. If you’re going to put the boot in, wear hobnails and kick hard. They shoulda let Patrick off the leash for that story. Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of snark!

    So I’m with the others. Patrick, care to put out your own awards? And for the rest of you, Patrick has bills to pay and claw wounds from the Turk to treat. I’m in for a twenty. Anyone else?

  8. khal spencer Says:

    Oh, Lord, and it gets better.

    This one:
    http://velonews.competitor.com/2012/12/news/mcquaid-lemond-arrogant-to-suggest-interim-uci-presidency_268895

    Pat McQuaid sez that Greg LeMond is “arrogant” for wanting to lead the UCI. Well, ain’t that the height of comedy from our doping scandal addled UCI leadership? McQuaid certainly has done more for cycling lately–his leadership has reduced pro cycling to a parody of professional wrestling. Not to mention, as far as McQuaid calling the UCI leadership “democratic” (“…The UCI is a democracy, there is an electoral system in place. …”) that statement is right up there with calling the German Democratic Republic “democratic” (see CP’s recent Red Kite description of their “democratic” process in his Explainer column). Haw, haw, haw….

  9. David R Says:

    I think the phrase “routinely power-washed with ice-cold horseshit by fat fucks” has to got to be one of the all-time greats. I hope you don’t mind Patrick if I use profusely in the coming year, with the appropriate nod to it’s author with every use.

    • khal spencer Says:

      I concur. That description is as appropriate for the military-industrial complex where I live as it is with the equivalent bullshit-washing in sports.

  10. khal spencer Says:

    awfully quiet around the pickle barrel for the last few days.

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