Don’t touch that dial

Charles Pelkey advises that we are enjoying “technical difficulties” at Live Update Guy as the 2016 Giro d’Italia gets under way with a pan-flat, 9.8km individual time trial in the Netherlands.

There. Now you know as much as I do. More as I hear it.

In the meantime, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, which it seems is the only way these days to get the jaded, video-sated public off their fucking arses and back in the sodding Live Updates. Family entertainment? Bollocks! What they want is filth: People doing things to each other with chainsaws during Tupperware parties, babysitters being stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates, vigilante groups strangling chickens, armed bands of theater critics exterminating mutant goats. Where’s the fun in LUGgery? Oh, well, there we are. Here’s the theme music. Goodnight.

• Update: We’re live. Pop on by and say, Ciao.”