Gimme shelter

Doomsday bunkers are making a comeback!

Boy, that’s a stunner, hey? The same folks who can pay cash for an RV that costs more than your fixed location and a Caribbean island stocked with preteen girls to drive it around on are springing for upscale hobbit-holes in case Ginger Hitler fumbles one of the various crises on his plate between cheeseburgers.

According to The New York Times:

The 12 apartments in Mr. Hall’s Survival Condo, as he calls it, begin at $1.3 million. When he started selling the condos around 2011, he said, all the units sold within months.

To Mr. Hall, and to many in his field, this is a calling, not just a business. “I’m saving lives,” he said during a recent visit to his bunker, the exact location of which he insisted be kept under wraps. He entered the building’s elevator as it began its long descent into the earth. “To me, this is something to feel good about.”

Uh huh. Especially the part about “representatives of the Saudi Arabian military, who have asked him to draw up plans for an on-site heliport and underground mosque.” You want to frisk those dudes for box-cutters before giving them the code to Watership Down, Bubba.

When we got transferred to Bibleburg from San Antone the folks looked at a house with a bomb shelter, just northeast of the Cheyenne Mountain NORAD complex. This felt not unlike Wile E. Coyote deploying a parasol to ward off the falling boulder.

Can you imagine all these rugged individuals sharing a shelter, however well appointed? Better bro-deal one of the smaller units to a couple of cutters from the local Level 1 trauma center, because every HOA-board meeting is going to end in a gunfight.

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9 Responses to “Gimme shelter”

  1. JD Dallager Says:

    The “duck and cover” maneuver is a lot cheaper, about as effective, and, should you survive, you’ll already have built up antibodies/genetic mutations the bunker folks will gladly pay you for.

  2. Steve O Says:

    The Accidental Tech Podcast folks quickly touched on this a while back. Not really their bailiwick so they let it go with a rushed aside. But there’s a common psychological thread in the prepper community. They actually root for the zombie apocalypse because of a fantasy of being the last survivor. It’s telling that they stockpile more bullets than seeds, more claymores than rakes and hoes. Their definition of “survival” only covers the first five minutes after the balloon goes up.

    A serious person worried about their post-neutron bomb existence wouldn’t be so infatuated with keeping everyone else out. A serious person would be rounding out his guest room list with at least one doctor, a botanist, and a variety of others who were good at either heavy lifting or heavy thinking. So, basically these preppers are all psychopaths. Not that we needed anyone to point this out.

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      For reals. You want to recruit, not just sell.

      This is assuming you wish to survive, of course. I’m with Larry on this one. I’m gonna be out there with a fielder’s mitt, trying to catch one. “Easy out!” BAH-WOOM, etc. I have this feeling that the outdoor-cycling opportunities will be somewhat limited post-apocalypse.

  3. larryatcycleitalia Says:

    Are these people sick or just stupid? If Orange Nixon or his puppet-master flip the switch on nukes I want one to hit me square in the head. What kind of idiot would want to survive deep in some sort of shelter? To come out and do what? Die of radiation poisoning, starve when your food stash runs out or be taken out by some other moron with a bigger gun? Gimmee a f—king break!
    Meanwhile – there’s this from over here in It-lee –

  4. Pat O'Brien Says:

    People will buy most anything from a good con man.

    But, mankind is on it’s way to destroying the world without nukes. We are just going to slow cook it to death, at least the parts we haven’t already trashed or polluted into worthlessness.

  5. khal spencer Says:

    Did any of you folks read Level 7 in high school? It was on our reading list in, I think, 11th grade. I had a middle school buddy whose parents had built a fallout shelter. We thought hiding out in it was great fun.My Uncle Ted in Buffalo bought a house that had a fallout shelter. He set it up as a darkroom.

    You need to have those hydroponic gardens and some folks who can reboot civilization, as Steve O says.

    I read about this gimmick a while back and wondered what the point would be of hiding out for a month or so and then opening the hatch to a Mad Max/Boy and His Dog world. Better, perhaps, to drive like hell to Ground Zero, open a cold one, and get it over with. But I guess some folks always have to compete to be the last person standing when the whole planet is a shithole.

    The worse situation will be a collapse of civilization. Hell, that could take a few generations, such as when Rome fell. Better to light off those ICBMs and get it over with.

  6. Herb from Michigan Says:

    Damnit! Am I the last to know the worlds coming to an end? Here a
    I am enjoying a sweet summer evening with a nice Columbia Valley Chardonnay after a peaceful 22 miler where not a single asshat tried to run me off the pave. Well hell… guess I’ll have to liquidate everything (NOT my Rivendell goddamit!) and get me a bunker.

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