12 Days of ’Toonsmas: Day 2

Never get high on your own supply. Il Fattini relearned
this valuable life lesson in the February 2019 issue of BRAIN.

When that Boulder-based journal of competitive cycling and I parted ways, the Old Guy Who Gets Fat in Winter suddenly found himself out of a job.

This is not good news for a portly fellow with an eating habit. One minute you’re the the star of the show; the next, just another MAMIL taking up space. Lots and lots of space.

Sure, you can hang around the bike shop, surreptitiously noshing on the Clif Bar display when staff is distracted by a paying customer. But this is risky business. You don’t want to get on the wrong side of the dude who adjusts your brakes. The world is full of gravity, and also, comedy.

“Where’s Fatso? Haven’t seen him hanging around lately.”

“Didn’t you hear? He blew through the stop sign at the bottom of Corkscrew Canyon doing sixty and T-boned a food truck. Had to have an emergency hoagiectomy. With fries. The docs think they got it all but they’re holding him for observation. You wanna observe him, a ticket costs $50.”

• And now, this word from our sponsor.

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3 Responses to “12 Days of ’Toonsmas: Day 2”

  1. Larry T. atCycleItalia Says:

    Great stuff! Reminds me I have a nearly-new long-sleeve yellow Fat Guy jersey somewhere – though exactly where is a good question. I need to dig around and find it. This might have been the last time I wore it? https://cycleitalia.blogspot.com/2017/11/fried-blackie.html

  2. SAO' Says:

    Still can’t believe Steve Ells hasn’t contacted you about licensing Juan Tons for his next fast caz concept restaurant.

  3. psobrien Says:

    You want a little soy sauce for that taco order?

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