When I went to bed early on Super Tuesday it seemed Texas was trending socialist.
This was obviously a hallucination. I was critically low on endorphins after 11 days without exercise, thanks to a broken right ankle. And I was slightly crazed on antihistamines, the junipers, mulberries, cottonwoods, willows, and elms all having sprung to hideous life seemingly overnight.
Even while thus impaired, I knew a Texas Democrat could pass for Republican practically anywhere else, and the thought of that crowd going for Comrade Eeyore in the primary seemed the product of a disordered mind. You know. Like Ronald the Donald winning the last presidential election.
And sure enough, it was. Daffy Uncle Joe bounced back while I tossed and turned, slobbering all over my pillow and freezing my nuts off in the guest bedroom, because somebody around here has to get a good night’s sleep before going to work in the morning, and that somebody is not me.
Sure, Texas has embraced a wide swath of eccentrics. Kinky Friedman. Ted Cruz and his beard. Molly Ivins. Louie Gohmert. Actually, Ted Cruz’s beard deserves a mention all its own.
Ted Cruz’s beard.
But Comrade Eeyore is a cranky old socialist from Brooklyn. The thought of him prevailing in Texas over Joe Stalin, much less Joe Biden, put me in mind of the 1980s Pace Picante Sauce commercial featuring a bunch of cowboys playing cards and talking salsa.
“Why, this stuff’s made in New York City!”
“New York City?”
Of course, Pace Foods Ltd. would be snatched up a few years later by the Campbell Soup Co., with headquarters in Camden, New Jersey. Not New York, but close enough to take the bloom off that San Antonio rose.
But by then Texas was preoccupied with developing products for export that were even even feebler than bottled picante sauce. I refer you to George W. Bush and Rick Perry.
And Ted Cruz’s beard.
Speaking of the coronavirus, which we were not, is anybody else revisiting apocalyptic tales like “The Andromeda Strain” or Stephen King’s “The Stand?”
A random quote from the latter popped into my head this morning. While collecting chickens to feed her visitors, Mother Abagail notes, “The only thing dumber than a broody hen was a New York Democrat.”
Maybe so. But I don’t know why she’d want to restrict the dumb to New York.
Daffy Uncle Joe and his backers are dancing a jig over his performance last night, and yeah, it truly was the sort of comeback-kid narrative that has veteran political reporters writing hack bullshit like “comeback kid.”
But let’s keep in mind that the states where Unc’ prevailed were largely ones where the Hilldebeast got stomped like ants at a picnic in 2016, when it wasn’t just Democrats and broody hens voting: Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Tennessee, Alabama, and North Carolina.
And if the Anybody But Bernie Caucus proves victorious, and Daffy Uncle Joe becomes the nominee, well, sure, we’ll be spared the easy shots about socialism, Fidel, and honeymooning in the Soviet Union.
But we’ll also have the United States Senate working as an arm of the Republican campaign, trying to beat ol’ Joe to death with his own son.
I get it. Charlie Pierce says “a large part of the Democratic primary electorate is hungering for a president that it can ignore for four or five days a week.”
But how do you sell that empty suit with aviator shades to the customers who weren’t buying in 2016? Or 2004, or 2000? The ones who wondered why a woman couldn’t get a fair shake, or were surprised to learn that “socialism” is one of Carlin’s Seven Words, or bought all the tripe about how Hillary was the Devil and Gore was a geek and Kerry was a Viet Cong spy?
Kinky Friedman already tried “Why the Hell Not?” and “How Hard Could It Be?” And “Bemused, Not Batshit” isn’t much of a bumper sticker.
• Editor’s note: I was going to do this as a podcast, but my brain seems stuck in first gear and there’s smoke coming out of my ears. So, um, no.
• Editor’s note revisited: OK, so I did it anyway. This one’s lo-fi even by my casual standards — I used an ATR2100-USB mic, and skipped the Zoom H5 Handy Recorder in favor of recording directly to the MacBook Pro using Rogue Amoeba’s nifty little app Piezo. Editing was as usual, in GarageBand. I sucked it up despite illness and injury because I’m fixated on doing a podcast a week for no particular reason.
Mad Blog Media 
March 4, 2020 at 2:16 pm |
I’m more amused than mad right now because its hard to keep the adrenaline going from now to the convention.
The body politic does what the body politic wants to do. I do wonder this; no one should be worried about deep blue states. Didn’t effing matter if Hillary won California by 3 votes or 3 million. We are worried about the swing states that went to Orange Hitler last time. Who can best win those? From what I read today, the vaunted youth vote for the Berniebeast didn’t materialize. Who shows up in November?
But the last thing I want to see, and I’ve done the swan dive over a pickup truck in a labor action to make a political point, is the Dems devolve into a Judean People’s Front skit. Stick with beating the damn Romans. We can have the family feud after the election.
March 4, 2020 at 2:27 pm |
The Youngs are notoriously unreliable, as we know, having once been Youngs ourselves. P’raps there was a hootenanny going on some’eres, or a sock hop.
Now we need to start thinking about the Senate. Steve Bullock may have a go in Montana. The NYT says the Donks need a net gain of three seats if they take the White House — by no means a sure thing — and four if they don’t. Otherwise you could reanimate Zombie George Washington as president and he couldn’t do a god damn thing.
March 4, 2020 at 2:38 pm |
I think we are going to have to learn to live with divided government. Maybe the answer is more Federalism so individual states have more leeway. Getting a competent administration and a competent Cabinet seems like a good idea.
If Uncle Joe does get the nod, it would surprise me if he didn’t pick a woman and someone more to his left to make peace with the Bernie caucus, which might threaten to stay home. But any Dem who stays home this year would be the equivalent of burning your house down because its too tough to mop the floors.
March 5, 2020 at 2:14 am |
I’m about as excited by Ol’ Joe as I was about John Kerry or Billary. If Joe’s the man he’ll need to choose someone as veep who can motivate the Bernie Bros to quit bitching and VOTE to save us from another four years of Caligula. These things are almost always a choice of the lesser of two evils – 2020 ain’t gonna be no different folks! Gawd help us all. Meanwhile, has Covid-19 vanished from the USA like Caligula predicted a couple of days ago? MAGA!
March 5, 2020 at 12:17 pm
Yep. Its another case of voting against someone rather than being excited about someone. When all the youngsters got knocked out, I was disappointed. The country can’t rely on old geezers to run the show forever.
Bernie, should he prevail, will get very little done unless Progressives take Congress by storm. That’s a heavy lift. Joe would be a return to normal which right now ain’t a bad choice. Four more years of Orange Hitler might be the doom of the republic.
March 5, 2020 at 12:21 pm
The question remains: Can the Donks do a no-holds-barred GOTV effort? The Youngs haven’t been turning out like Comrade Eeyore had hoped, and we need the sonsabitches. Blacks, Hispanics, women, gays, Greens, Libertarians, pinkos, uncommitteds, and the one or two Republicans who still cling to fragments of their souls … we need ’em all. Plus at least four Senate seats.
March 4, 2020 at 3:02 pm |
Everything about this primary surprises me. I would not be surprised if Daffy Unc’ went with Mayor Pete as his veep.
March 4, 2020 at 8:12 pm |
That might happen. Pete is well, different.
March 4, 2020 at 2:21 pm |
In re: Campbell Soup. Don’t forget that Camden, NJ is right across the Delaware River from all them Philadelphia lawyers.
March 4, 2020 at 2:23 pm |
Don’t the Illuminati have a branch office there too?
March 4, 2020 at 2:33 pm |
The only thing anyone is worrying about is beating Trump. Who knows, maybe Uncle Joe has Barrack waiting in the VP wings? I say, why not?
March 4, 2020 at 2:38 pm |
The Kenyan Mooslim Usurper has been reluctant to put his thumb on the scale thus far. Would he be a help or a hindrance at this point?
March 4, 2020 at 4:01 pm |
I think maybe he has had enough. Maybe the only sane one in the bunch. Warren might be a good pick. But, I would prefer Pete. I would love me some Pete vs pence debate. Wonder what the headline would be?
March 5, 2020 at 9:59 am |
Warren just bailed; the last progressive is out. Now, who will she endorse, and will Bloomberg give Biden a big, fat check? How about health care for all, equal education for all, and a living wage if you can work? Nah, fugitaboutit!
March 5, 2020 at 10:36 am |
Well, shit. I like her. But I think I like her best as a senator, holding pudgy, pedicured tootsies to various fires.
March 5, 2020 at 12:27 pm |
Yep, gawd knows who the MA guv would put in if Warren took a job in (we hope) a new administration in DeeCee. I think Ol’ Joe oughta look at Mayor Pete as veep…a guy who’ll not only live through Biden’s first term but won’t be senile half-way through?
March 5, 2020 at 1:19 pm |
Joe the Biden will beat Trump. But there is strong agreement that the chickenshit Senate has to swing blue. Only way to neuter Moscow Mitch and Toady Graham. And I agree with POG that Ted Cruze’s beard should get the ambassadorship to Iran. Get him out of Washington and over there with more beards than he’ll know what to do with.
March 5, 2020 at 4:06 pm |
Doug Jones will be a target.
March 5, 2020 at 4:16 pm |
Already is. Chazbo Pierce has some thoughts on that, too.
March 5, 2020 at 5:01 pm |
It does not surprise me any more when the GOP candidates leave no effort undone trying to outflank each other on the lunatic fringe right. Tuberville seems to be following that script, as Steve Pearce did in a NewMexican editorial a couple weeks ago.
March 6, 2020 at 1:11 am |
Changed my mind – forget about Mayor Pete, Joe. You need help on the Latino front, so nominate someone like Julian Castro as running mate. Actually, any competent Latino with some public service experience who is not currently serving in a position likely to be instantly filled with a Rethuglican will do. And then figure out how to throw a bone to the disgruntled Bernie Bros – we need all the votes we can get to keep Caligula from getting 4 more years!!!
March 6, 2020 at 11:59 am |
The track record for jocks running for office is all over the place. You don’t get closer to the Lord Almighty than Nebraska’s Tom Osborne, and he flamed out famously running for Guv. That election actually made me question all of the rules of the natural universe.
March 6, 2020 at 8:11 am |
The podcast was nicely done! Good pacing and the audio was crystal clear and even. The mike, not the one from Noo York City, worked very well. Nice mixing, too. You got this bro! I say let loose with a political Foaming Rant with the flame thrower set to max. Faced with the flame from a O’Grady rant, the dumpster would wither and die like the wicked with of the West. Especially now that we know he is an Adderal doper.
March 6, 2020 at 8:13 am |
And since you have time on your hands, you can edit the crap directly above. Maybe I need some Adderal?