A Muskrat in winter

Is that a well-digger’s ass flying south for the winter?

The furnace grumbles to life at 5:33 and requires exactly five minutes to trudge uphill to its planet-friendly yet unimpressive thermostatic peak of 65 degrees.

Still, this is more than twice as warm as it is outside, so I should be thankful. I have a furnace — actually, two of them, one for each side of the house! — and a great big bed with lots and lots of covers. Also, a house to keep them in. It has been the better part of some time since I begged a kip on a couch or in a pew, or shivered in a greasy fartsack under the topper of a pickup truck.

This momentary lapse into gratitude doesn’t stop me from thinking it might be time to consider sleeping in pajamas, or at least a T-shirt and shorts. Maybe a cap. Sweatpants. And wool socks. Sixty-five degrees is one thing on a white sandy beach and another in a dark bedroom at the foot of the Sandias, squinting through the blinds at the banana moon night-lighting the back yard.

Over coffee I note that E. Long Muskrat has yet to quit shitting in his newest sandbox, though his own survey — “Should I step down as head of Twitter? I will abide by the results of this poll.” — went strongly against him.

While giving him the thumbs down last night Herself asked innocently, “Can we vote more than once?” She has not been locked out of her account. Yet. Me, I maintained radio silence.

It doesn’t matter, not really. CEO or no, the Muskrat would still own the Twithole and would have to hire some poor sap to run it for him.

That would be a dream job, hey? About like being handed a push broom and being told to sweep up the debris in the Monfort lane through the Big I at drunk-thirty on Black Friday.

Or maybe it’s more like being assigned to clean the hyena cage while the hyena is still in it. Before feeding time.

I don’t know why I find this penny-dreadful drama amusing. I haven’t used the service in five years. In fact, I’ve croaked nearly all my social-media accounts, save for LinkedIn, which I keep around like an ugly sweater I’m never going to wear, no matter how cold it gets.

There’s just something fascinating about watching the gods behaving badly. They always do. Gods have the morals and manners of spoiled children pitching a bitch in the Wholeazon Amafoods while mom tries to find the sell-by date on a plastic tub of organic baby arugula.

It’s not enough that the gods are omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent — no, they have to have our undivided attention, too.

It’s sad. But also amusing. For a while, anyway.

“Wow, this is an adult human being. Second richest in the world — No. 1 until the shitposting trouser stain started dicking around with a new toy without reading the owner’s manual — and he’s acting out like a hormonal teenager with a marble-sized nose zit and two left feet fuming at all the cool kids dancing on TikTok.”

Just wait until Orange Julius Caesar softshoes into the multimedia spotlight again today. His Lardship Musk Mellon Esq. will probably try to buy the Internets and shut them down.

I don’t know who’d loan him the money for that indulgence. Not Orange J, that’s for sure. Fool needs a new pair of size-7 dancing shoes.

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30 Responses to “A Muskrat in winter”

  1. Pat O’Brien Says:

    I still contend that twitter could shut down tomorrow and it would be largely forgotten a year from now. The large part, estimated at 80% of the content comes from 10% of the users. And, it’s all bullshit.

  2. Herb from Michigan Says:

    “greasy fartsack”. Oh my…brings back mixed memories of college years living with 4 non house broken guys in a run down lake house. NO heat in the upstairs where my cave was so I defaulted to my sleeping bag. Given my typical poor college kid diet, coupled with either too much caffeine or alcohol-you better believe that sleeping bag became foul and heinous. While I was gone on spring break, one roomie borrowed it so he and his squeeze could go camping. I’m told she almost died when he unrolled it in the pup tent. She threw it out onto the ground and they tried to both sleep in his bag and you know how well that works. For some reason they split up after that…..

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      I lifted the “greasy fartsack” line from Ed Abbey, who used it to describe Hayduke’s sleeping bag in “The Monkey Wrench Gang.” But I’ve sure done my share of turning faux down sleeping sacks into Superfund sites.

    • khal spencer Says:

      I had short stints of sleeping in campus lounges or friend’s couches during my undergrad days. The college would close the dorms during breaks and leave us to our own devices. In those days, going to my parent’s home was a pretty bad idea, as the old man and I got along like the Hatfields and McCoys, including throwing shit at each other, so I found horizontal surfaces where I could.

      That got old, so at some point the girlfriend and I rented a beat up flat near campus. The downstairs was inhabited by a bunch of guys from RIT who liked to drink and throw stuff through windows, while a classmate of mine was stabbed to death a few blocks away in a botched home robbery. That’s when I sucked it up long enough to go home, fetch my shotgun, and slide it under the bed.

      I don’t long for those situations. If O’G’s piece was a prayer of thanks, of sorts, to Whomever, that we are living in better situations now, I concur.

  3. SAO’ Says:

    I used to think, any day now, folks will realize the emperor has no clothes. Now I’m wondering why it took so long to notice he has no clothes, he’s sitting next to you on the subway, and he’s masturbating while doing a howler monkey impersonation.

  4. khal spencer Says:

    Social media seems like a bad joke some celestial entity has played on us. Unlike the Tower of Babel story, where The Biblical God is said to have confounded our voices, social media seems to have confounded our minds.

    Elon the Twitter keeps sending out these banal tweets. Kinda reminds me of a pubescent teen mooning people by the side of the road and hollering in vain, “Hey, does anyone notice I am here? I am important! Can’t you tell? Won’t someone slow down and notice?”

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      When Herself was voting in the “poll” I noticed one reply to Elon’s plea for validation that featured a screenshot of a scrawled note a la junior high school: “Do you like me? Yes/No.” That about covered ’er.

  5. khalil spencer Says:

    Ahh. Justice just got the referrals. Put Trump in a jumpsuit!

  6. Shawn Says:

    I pray that my furnaces awakes from it’s hibernation every morning. It’s the one that I have to fix if it decides that staying in hibernation is better than struggling for two hours to bring the house up to temp. I keep the heat off at night so it can get pretty cool at elon-dark-thirty. But, when the furnace beast does arise, I also thank my lucky toes that I’ve got a relatively comfy and only modestly odorous bed, a roof that doesn’t leak, and some hot water. Life is great!

    Regarding Mr. Lexus, if I were to work for him, he’d have to get used to realizing that if he gets pissed at me, I get pissed off back. No, he wouldn’t like me around. I appreciate what he has done in his life. I think that the world has benefited and so I have some empathy for his periodic lapses of humanity. His take-control method at twitter was expected as is his, what may be considered remorse at the response to his methods. He’s not an idiot so he’ll eventually make the correct course corrections and the world will return their attention to other ridiculous worries.

    I agree that if Twitter were to suddenly disappear, it would be forgotten quickly. Remember when ….., Oh, I forget now.

    Regarding orange head, I picture the image of him getting up in the middle of the night and quietly chanting “Rooody…, Rooody”. from his suite in cellblock 13. Farther down the block, Giuliani would be cowering under his burlap cover cursing the haunting of those chants. Did I mention that Stormy Daniels has an old MMA boyfriend locked up in the same neighborhood? He’s not fond of those critical of his girlfriend and enjoys offering his secret service on regular intervals.

    With respect to brewed libations, I was able to come across a pack of Deschutes Brewery’s non-alcoholic Black Butte Porter. It’s not too bad. I enjoyed it with my “crafted” chili. When compared with other NA beers that I’ve had, I would say that it’s the one that I would grab out of a fridge first.

  7. Pat O’Brien Says:

    Concerning the tangerine turd, I’d settle for a felony conviction, even if he only got sentenced to home confinement. I just don’t want him in any public office ever again.
    I sometimes drink Bud 55 or Miller 64, no longer made, when I wanted more than one beer. Pretty lame on flavor, but very low alcohol and calories. My fave NA is St. Pauli Girl. But, lord I apologize, a NA Black Butte Porter is, well, just wrong.

  8. khal spencer Says:

    Heh. Our friendly local insurrectionist has been named.

    • B Lester Says:

      Edwards should’ve been up the river by now. Trump and Rudy next would be great. That asswipe Barr was smart enough to jump just before it dove any deeper. I’m hoping my good Senator Ron Johnson gets his due. I still can’t believe that my dimwitted fellow Cheeseheads reelected that slime.

      I saw something yesterday that opined that Elon was ranting like an incel in his Mom’s basement on a serious Mountain Dew bender. Yow!

    • Pat O'Brien Says:

      That arrogant ass wipe definitely needs to see the inside of a correctional facility. For him to jump in and sweet talk the tangerine turd in how to be a dictator just for personal gain, and then fire up a mob to go hurt some legislators, need a special kind of punishment.

      Now with that unpleasantness out of the way, how about something pleasant beyond words. I am pretty sure the old Mad Dog pickle barrel is circled by a bunch of Bonnie Raitt fans, so, begging Patrick’s forgiveness for veering off topic, let’s listen to her latest. I bought it as soon as I heard it.

  9. khal spencer Says:

    Speaking of changing the subject. Moose in Santa Fe!

  10. SAO' Says:

    65° is going to seem like the bowels of Hades in about 24 hours. Looking at a high of zero, low of minus 20 tonight and tomorrow.

    Musk: What are the odds that someone very close to the dude shorted the hell out of both Tesla and Twitter? Someone is making bank on them tanking, cuz that’s the American way.

    • SAO' Says:

      I’m as far from a financial analyst as one can get, but I’ll never get how Tesla got so big. They make two platforms with two bodies on each, and it takes them forever to make them. A basic M1A1 SUV was all they needed to grab 90% of the US market, and they blew it. And meanwhile, everyone is coming around Turn #3 with a huge head of steam. (There’s a mixed metaphor for ya.) While they focused on zero-to-60 speeds, the rest of the market has 400 mile range vehicles coming out next year. So if the market is all about growth, why would you think Tesla is heading in the right direction?

      • Patrick O'Grady Says:

        It’s weird, for sure. Seems like a cult of personality. People are willing to pony up to bask in the glow of his artificial light.

        I hear there are suckers who are taking him up on his offer to buy into Twatter at the same inflated price he paid before wrecking the place — and mind you, he has confessed that he overpaid when he bought the sandbox he has been so frantically beshitting.

        Meanwhile, the NYT has some thoughts on Tesla and E. Lawn Muskmellon.

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