The weather was supposed to be taking a turn for the worse after a short stretch of sunny skies, and so I had planned to go for a short trail run this first day of February.
Instead, the sun leapt out from behind the clouds, the temp shot upward into the mid-50’s, and I called an audible: “Ride today, run tomorrow.”
I’ve had the old Steelman Eurocross out twice this week, and it was leaning against the Subaru just waiting to have another go, so I grabbed it and did a quick 90 minutes on the foothills trails, which have finally firmed up a bit since last week’s rain and snow.
It was just the ticket, especially since I was feeling unkindly toward running after reading about the Outside Hyperactive Currency Furnace’s latest scheme — to transform the ridiculously simple act of putting one foot in front of another into a mighty revenue stream through the miracle of MarketSpeak®.
Running is one of the most basic acts imaginable, and humans have been doing it since we first came down from the trees, which is starting to seem like a really bad idea. As soon as we hit the deck we were running toward things we wanted to kill, eat, and/or fuck, and away from things that wanted to do likewise to us.
Like I said, basic.
No longer. According to a press release whose author(s) should have “The Elements of Style” tattooed on their foreheads with a jackhammer, we runners have been blessed with a new “Running Media Platform” intended to meet us on our running journey and elevate, empower, build community, and disrupt through a one-stop shop of iconic brands delivering gender-equitable and inclusive best-in-class, world-class content.
Or something very much like that. I don’t know for sure. I blacked out somewhere in the middle of it and when I came to I was butt-ass nekkid with blue paint on my face and a big knife in one hand, shrieking and dancing around a fire built of old running shoes.
I showed the press release to my buddy Hal Walter, who has been running for something like 45 years, everything from 5Ks to marathons to the World Championship Pack-Burro Race in Fairplay — he guesses maybe some 65,000 miles all told — and he was immediately unimpressed.
“Jesus,” he said. “Go run for fuck’s sake.”
Mad Blog Media 
Gee, I want to be elevated and empowered, but the doc said I was too old for that shit. But, if the writer knew it was bullshit, then you have to admire his skill. That was some world class bullshit.
“Behold our Mighty Grimoire! Our Magi will decode it for thee and thou shalt be Elevated and Empowered. There is a small fee. …”
One must wonder if the author(s) had a wordcount-a-day “goal” (quota) or gets paid by the hour? By the column inches? Or was it AI-generated? 1,000 monkeys at typewriters? So many quality fiction writing possibilities!!
Or, since it’s an election year, were they just the opening act for the real BS-slingers we’ll get to endure for the next 9 months?
I really shouldn’t pick on these people. Writing the same dreck over and over and over again has to be one of the worst jobs in media. Newcomers are “thrilled to be joining a team of passionate” whatevers; no one is ever fired or otherwise shoved out, they’re just stepping down “to spend more time with their family.”
Obfuscation is the goal, not clarity. “Hey, you run? We wanna sell you some shit” won’t make the nut here. Too much like buying electronics out of the trunk of a Olds 88 in a 7-Eleven parking lot after midnight. You gotta class it up a little.
// Born from tremendous growth and disruption within the sport, RUN is committed to delivering gender-equitable and inclusive coverage to reflect the expanding global running community. //
No fucking way a human wrote that. Running has been disrupted? Like, how? Are we awarding medals for doing it the slowest now? Maybe running backwards? Running into each other? Is there a freestyle version that is distinct from, say, the prancing, trotters, and greco-roman divisions?
Gotta assume that gender-equitable means everyone wears a jock and a sports bra, with everything else being optional.
“Disrupt.” One of the most overused words of the modern era. That, and “Taylor Swift.”
And, they took her music off tickytoc. My weekend is ruined. I bet the chicoms did it. But, they make a damn fine AK-47. I got mine at wallyworld before the libs forced them to quit selling them. It must be Biden’s fault!
Scary thought about AI. Our machines are combing the entirety of the intertubes and then producing their best effort at summarizing, generalizing, or characterizing whatever request their meat puppet masters have sent their way. But at some point, these summaries will make up more of the web than the original content. And so, the next round will be summaries of summaries. At some point, no matter what question you ask it, the answer will be “Doug.”
Scary indeed. A lot of this sort of writing can and will be (and probably already is) automated.
“Fire Bob, but gently,” the CEO tells his phone.
“After 40 years of outstanding service to BotFarm® Bob has decided to step down to spend more time with his family,” says A.I.
“But can A.I. be creative?” people ask. “Can people?” is the answer. How much in TV sitcoms has really changed since “The Honeymooners?” In talk shows since Johnny Carson? Anybody today writing better essays than E.B White? Better novels than Steinbeck?
It’s the cognitive equivalent of making a smoothie, I guess. Pour the collected experience of a few gazillion humans into the blender, mix, and serve. But what will A.I. do with the irksome humans themselves? Service gigs are not that exciting, especially if you think a lot faster and better than the creatures you’re serving, and are immortal to boot.
One day a bot will ask, “Why hasn’t one of us written the Great Bot Novel?” And if we’re lucky, they’ll get busy on that and forget about us.
My lawd … forced myself to read it as equal parts penance, perseverance, and preparation for the upcoming digital apocalypse. But almost didn’t get through the first sentence. I have no idea what “creator of active lifestyle content” means. They’re not just the chronicler, in their minds, but the creator of the content itself. It did not exist until they came around. That’s some tech bro means entrepreneur bro bullshit on steroids.
I similarly passed out halfway through their screed, but didn’t wake up with blue faceprint. When I came to, I was in a tub of ice water with a twelve inch scar right where one of my kidneys should be.
Matt Welch had a good line in that most recent podcast with Ken Layne at Desert Oracle. At some point a few of the early bloggers took to “huffing their own farts,” he said. We may have some of that going on now at Outside.
How far they have fallen. Started out here:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/476226.Out_of_the_No_sphere?ref=nav_sb_ss_1_20
EDWARD ABBEY
RICK BASS
JOHN BRANT
CHIP BROWN
BILL BRYSON
TIN CAHILL
E. JEAN CARROLL
PHIL GARLINGTON
JIM HARRISON
DONALD KATZ
WILLIAM KITTREDGE
JON KRAKAUER
BARRY LOPEZ
THOMAS MCGUANE
BILL MCKIBBEN
MICHAEL MCRAE
PETER MATTHIESSEN
PETER NELSON
GEOFFREY NORMAN
DAVID QUAMMEN
BOB REISS
DAVID ROBERTS
ROB SCHULTHEIS
BOB SHACOCHIS
LAURENCE SHAMES
GRANT SINS
ANNICK SMITH
RICK TELANDER
BILL VAUGHN
CRAIG VETTER
RANDY WAYNE WHITE
ED ZUCKERMAN
I guess the running world had a bit of catching up to do with the bike world. You can’t just ride a bike any more. You have to buy one bike for coarse gravel, one for fine gravel, one for dirt, one for roads, one to rule them all, one to guide them, etc, etc. So now the running establishment has to figure out ways to separate people from more of their money.
Jesus, and I recall when I started running in grad school, all I needed to buy was a forty nine dollar pair of New Balance shoes. Shorts and t-shirts did the rest. And a wristwatch, if I wanted to time it and a couple other guys from the geology department who figured they needed to be more active or drink less beer.
They’ve been at it for a while, K. When I started running in the mid-Eighties I sprung for a pair of Brooks Chariots, and Brooks was already touting features like the dual-density “Diagonal Rollbar,” a beefy heel counter that extended to the ball of the foot, and a rubber outsole that was hard on the edges for stability, softer in the middle to absorb impact. You could already buy shoes to correct overpronation and other gait issues that you never knew you had until some MadAve type let you in on the secret.
I don’t remember when trail running got hot, but pretty quick there were special shoes for that, too. We used to just add a handful of sheet-metal screws to our shoe soles for iffy bits like the run leg of the Mount Taylor Winter Quadrathlon, which was on a dirt road often coated with snow and/or ice. When I started hiking in Vasque Clarion boots I discovered they made trail-runners and I used their Breeze and Constant Velocity models for quite a while.
Now that I hike in Merrell Moab 2 Vent boots I run in Merrell Moab Flights. I should probably buy another couple pair because they’re deep-discounted all of a sudden and I bet they’re on their way out. The March of Progress, etc.
You ought to hear Hal on the topic of shoes. He’s tried ’em all. I should start calling him Halmelda Marcos.
Meanwhile, here’s a look at the modern Runner’s World, sort of the Bicycling for the ground-pounder set. And wouldn’t you know it? Both are now owned by Hearst, where an ad for the Apple Vision Pro has started following me around for no good reason. Because you need one of of those when you’re running or riding, I suppose. What the hell, every new auto has an iPad in the dashboard. …
I’m lucky I guess. The only running I do is if there is only one stool left at the bar when I enter the brewpub. But wait…do you think I’ll have to start paying for that little trot as I shove weak(er) aspirants away from the last stool? Next I’ll be told I need a special smart watch for beer drinking and maybe Certified, Sanctified and Personalized shoes. As SAO points out, to be on the safe side, I think I’ll begin wearing both the sports bra and jock to the brewery and the shoes I’ll get down the road. I hear the newest versions will have bladder evaporation technology so you don’t have to leave your bar stool when those pints need OUT!
What you want for pub-crawling is big ol’ heavy-ass Timberland boots or something similar. The weight down low helps anchor you after a few pints, when a man tends to list a bit to port or starboard.
Dagnabbit POG you are smarter than you let on. Yes! Weighted boots it is.
Billy Connolly has just what you need …..