From Wikipedia:
The dog days or dog days of summer are the hot, sultry days of summer. They were historically the period following the heliacal rising of the star system Sirius (known colloquially as the “Dog Star”), which Hellenistic astrology connected with heat, drought, sudden thunderstorms, lethargy, fever, mad dogs, and bad luck. (emphasis mine)
So, there I was, JRA, when I heard the squelchy sound of my Nobilette’s front tire going flat despite its sealant-filled inner tube.
I was en route to the meetup for the twice-weekly Geezer Ride, so I pulled over, drew my phone, and texted my fellow graybeards to advise that I had had a mechanical and was returning to base. I had only the one spare tube, Herself was at work, and it had been too hot for one of those long walks home in Sidis from a previous millennium.
When I got back to El Rancho Pendejo and opened the garage door I was reminded that I had all these other bikes hanging around. Thinking I could still catch up with the lads if I took a quick, dirty shortcut over to High Desert via the Embudito trailhead, I grabbed a Steelman Eurocross and did exactly that.
We rode around and about for a while, solving the knotty problems of the world, and as I had been denied some of the early miles I decided to tack on a few at the end, riding two of the brothers home and then picking up Trail 365 at Rebonito Road for a little more dirty fun.
Hanging a 90-degree left onto the bridge at the Piedra Lisa Canyon trailhead south of Candelaria I felt the front tire try to squirm out from under its rim. Judas Priest! Another front flat? Indeed.
Happily, I had thought to reload the saddlebag with a fresh spare tube, so I quickly returned the Steelman to working order and rode home.
Back at the ranch, I took the opportunity to give the Nobilette a fresh goopy tube, which went smoove like butta. But when I tried to do likewise with the Steelman the freshly installed tube refused to inflate for some reason.
Defective tube, maybe? Or pump head clogged with old sealant? I disassembled that, gave it a cursory cleaning (which means cursing while cleaning it), put it back together, and had another go. Still bupkis.
“I should ring up the Fed, tell them I’ve found a solution to their inflation problem,” I muttered. Then I grabbed another tube, one not installed in a tire, and tried pumping it up to see if anything happened.
And something did. The fucking thing exploded, launching huge gobs of yellowish sealant throughout the living room. Because of course I work on my bikes in the living room. That’s where the air conditioning is.
You will recall “The Exorcist?” This made Regan’s eruptions look like a sneeze that missed the Kleenex.
I gave the living room a very cursory cleaning, replaced the Steelman on its hook sans a reloaded front wheel (the pump head apparently perished in the explosion), and — not for the first time — considered taking up bowling.
Mad Blog Media 
Wow, quite the day. How the hell did it explode? Weird. I bought one of those Park Shop compressed air inflators after I got a bike with tubeless tires and realized that my existing tools were useless at seating the bead on a tubeless tire, but have yet to blow anything up. Yet.
I’m guessing there was a wad of goo blocking the free flow of air in that tube. Eventually the goo and its comrades achieved escape velocity.
Meanwhile, I have pump parts on order and a little battery-powered Makita inflator for backup. And all inflation henceforth shall take place within the garage.
Only thing that I inflate in the home is my ego….
Wow….cursory indeed and in multi languages too. Never cottoned to the goop tubes and banked on steel belt tires . Which of course does nothing to prevent sidewall attacks from occurring. What culprit did ya in? Goatheads? Gutter glass? Weasels?
I blame the Biden crime family, the Illuminati, the Deep State, the Bilderberg Group, and the New Mexico Department of Transportation, which sweeps the Tramway shoulders once every other February 31st.
Meanwhile, the legendary Mike “Grimy Handshake” Ferrentino recounts his own screwing of the techno-pooch over at NSMB. Must’ve been one of those weeks, hey?
I would pay a dollar to see a video of the living room mechanic blowing sealant all over the living room. Don’t feel too bad, my guitar bench is the breakfast bar.
I should’ve taken a pic of the immediate aftermath. Looked like the Devil had a sinus infection and blew his nose all over the living room.
I bet the first thing you thought was “Oh shit, where’s the cat!”, and then “Oh crap, Can I get all this cleaned up before the brains of the family shows up home?”
I’ve learned to keep the mechanical doodads out of the house unless they are already there. I like my indoors clean and wash my hands frequently when I enter the house from the garage / workshop area.
I’m a bit like Old Herb on the goo front. I’m starting to age far enough along that I like my tubes containing just compressed gases.
Right (cat) and right again (Herself).
This is my first catastrophic failure with a sealant tube. Alas, something like this is pretty much a must-have around here because of the dreaded puncturevine thorns, a.k.a. goat heads. Also, New Mexicans recycle their glass bottles by tossing them from their autos into the bike lanes.
Oh, Lord. My Litespeed Gravel should be the symbol of off road riding in New Mexico. You should see the back tire. I think there are more dark splotches from sealant doing its thing than there is original tread. I thought it was cooked recently as I couldn’t stop a leak so bought a new tire. I then noticed there was a piece of some sort of crap lodged in the hole that the sealant was leaking around. Took out a tweezer, extracted a piece of goathead, and then it sealed. So now I have a spare Panaracer Gravel King SK in reserve.
We need a fifty state bottle deposit law. That way even if people toss ’em, hopefully those that don’t break will be picked up by the local down and out folks who can make some money.
Oh shit, here comes the broken record again. My tandem riding friend have the latest tubeless tire tech on high end rims. Still get flats. So, wait for it, Schwalbe Marathon Plus tires with thorn resistant tubes is my answer to goat-heads and glass shards. Years of no flats with one exception from a truck radial tire wire. Those will stick through anything just like a B string end on a tuning machine peg. Speaking of which, it seems that I love Japanese stuff with three number names. Shimano 105 and Gotoh 510. Are the same numbers in a different sequence a coincidence?
What a hilarious read I can relate to! Much needed in these anxious times. Many thanks for the laughs1!