Looks just like a penis, only smaller

~ Patrick O'Grady
“It’s down here somewhere. …”

The Pestilence has been diagnosed with Chronic Penis Insufficiency*, which should surprise approximately no one.

According to the usually fabricated sources his condition has become so dire that two aides are compelled to help him find it come time to pee.

As the first sprinkles pepper into his unzipped trousers, the second stands at the ready, holding a powerful magnifying glass and tweezers. When the little fella reveals its location by sneezing, the second aide spots it with the glass, grabs it with the tweezers, and aims it at the gold-plated toilet.

Mission accomplished!

It’s a process both delicate and cumbersome, as the two aides are immediately fired, gagged with NDAs, and deported to Lower Spaminacanistan before they can run giggling to the press. And thus replacements must be found. Repeat ad infinitum.

*Oh, pardon me. He has chronic venous insufficiency, not the other thing. As far as we know. …

30 thoughts on “Looks just like a penis, only smaller”

  2. Lest any of us codgers forget….you can still buy replacement tweezers for your smaller Swiss Army knife and Always Be Ready. Oh and toothpicks too but drink enough Diet Cokes and you won’t be needing them. For your former teeth that is….

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      1. 1) are the tweezers zircon- encrusted?
        2) do they gleam in the moonlight?
        3) are you moving to Montana soon?

        Reply

        1. Doesn’t everyone have a Swiss Army knife? Well, there is one person I bet who doesn’t have one. He just follows his tie to his happy place.

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    1. Boy, is Herself ever pissed off about that. She’s a huge Colbert fan. What an execrable puddle of chickenshits they are at CBS-Paramount (soon to be Skydance).

      It should go without saying that we will be croaking our Paramount subscription.

      Here are some reactions from Variety.

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  6. There is a fat rapist from Queens
    Who has quite a passion for teens
    He pays off his whores
    With money that’s yours
    And there’s a microscopic peins in his jeans.

    Reply

    2. Most excellent limerickitude indeed. That would’ve drawn huzzahs when Charles Pelkey and I were rocking Live Update Guy in the middle of a long stage in the Tour. I don’t know what we would’ve done on them long, flat boys without limericks, Monty Python, and all the other Non-Race-Related Blah Blah Blah (NRRBBB®).

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      1. Creepy, heh? It’s like kim or saddam hussein shit at the USDA. They put a 55 gallon drum by the entrance for breakfast spewing by the workers as they enter. Yep, verified it is. Embarrassing is what.

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      2. You know how the 5k/marathon/tri-guy crowd co-opted the euro country stickers? Instead of GB or IRL you could put 26.2 on your car? And y’all LUGsters sold LUG stickers for while.

        I really need a NRRBBB sticker on my car. ASAP.

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  7. Please don’t tell anybody but I have a colored pencil drawing called “Starry, Starry, Penis”, that I picked up at a fund raising auction for retiring property developers in New York in the late 1980’s. The drawing is signed with Donaldlishus Trumpavinchi. My date for the event bet me $200 that I wouldn’t bid on it. I did and won it for 31 dollars. That was a good date ! Anyway, I’m not sure why it’s titled the way that it is. I’ve looked and looked and if there’s a penis in it, a person must need a magnifying glass to find it. I keep the drawing around to remind me of my profitable date. Right now the drawing is taped to the wall in my garage above the bench where I keep all my pesticides. About 20 years ago I had somebody email me about it. Their email address was something like epicsteen.

    If you believe anything that I’ve written above, let me know and I’ll tell you about the swamp land that I own in southern Florida that now has a new fence around it.

    Reply

      1. Wot? I had no hand in the matter of the Starry story POB but maybe he/she has a Soma mixte too? No sir, I didn’t post that and was fishing most of the day and catching nothing but a mild sunburn. But the weather …oh my…as good as it gets in the Mitten State in summer.

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  8. I was watching an episode of Belle of the Ranch and her insights into the world and recall seeing a Starry, Starry Night t-shirt in her background. Belle and Beau (her wise companion) place t-shirts with graphics, images and words of association that pertain to their video subject matter. Because POG brought up the penis diagnosis about herr trumpus, something that I also first thought of when his current medical condition was reported on, I thought some trivial made up story about such subjects might help take out minds off the political madness that is going on. In my case it also helps me with my other caregiving madness. The Florida swamp land pertains of course to the administrations new resort, alligator alcatraz.

    Although POB I have a few fine riding steeds, most that aren’t getting the use they should be getting, I’m not blessed with a SOMA mixte. But if I had one you can be assured that it would be hanging on one of my custom made oak bike hangers that are located in one of the rooms of our fine estate.

    Reply

    1. Mystery solved. Well Shawn, I no longer ride or own any bicycles. But, if I did it would be a SOMA Mixte sans Brooks saddle. I credit cycling for getting me to this age without serious health problems. Guitars, my weakness, are good for the brain but not the body or wallet.

      Reply

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