“My mommy always said there were no monsters — no real ones — but there are.” — Newt, in “Aliens”
Sing it, sister. I see one first thing every morning, if I dare to turn the lights on in the bathroom. And it follows me around all day, until I turn them out again.
Mama said there’d be days like this. I just didn’t think there’d be so many of them.
When did I stop ringing doorbells on Halloween and start answering them? Oh, Lord.
Thanks to outfits cobbled together by me sainted ma I have been a cowboy, Superman, and Mike Nelson from “Sea Hunt,” among other American icons. I even managed to talk mom into helping me suit up as Loadedman, a cartoon character I devised shortly before dropping out of college and going to work as a janitor.
She must’ve been so proud.
As an “adult” I have been a space pirate, Che Guevara, and once, memorably, Jesus H. Christ himself. Indeed, there was a time when I felt all that hair I was sporting limited not only my employment opportunities, but my costume options come All Hallows’ Eve.
All. That. Hair.
Sigh.
I didn’t know shit about limited options back then. Now the menu is down to a single item — basically, “Ugly-Ass Old Bald Dude.” The good news is, all I have to do for that one is get out of bed, take a leak, and put on some clothes.
In the dark, of course. Because there are monsters. I’ve seen them. They live in my bathroom mirror.
Mad Blog Media 
It’s been fun. This year I’ll answer the door as a hobbling old man.
We used to have great Halloween parties in grad school. Everything was makeshift as we were all poor. One year I went wearing a Burger King crown and with rock sample bags and bicycle tires pinned to my clothes. People looked at me like I was nuts and then my friend Joe Smoot bellowed out “King of Rock and Roll”. He got it.
My first year in Honolulu I barely had a suitcase as I flew in on Oct 13th,, so went to a party in black bicycle tights as a cat burglar. The second year in Honolulu I went to a second hand store and bought a bunch of women’s clothes, going as a middle aged Portuguese woman. Even fooled my boss.
Ho, ho … I haven’t heard that one in a while. LWIII must’ve gotten a look at me somewheres.
Saw the most hilarious scene. I was headed into a local bar for a burger and saw two (people?) in giant inflatable costumes of some cartoon characters. They tried fitting through the doorway but kept bouncing back into the sidewalk. They tried turning sideways which didn’t work either. I decided to avoid the melee inside that would surely happen IF they ever did get in. I could picture beers and whatnot being swept off tables as they tried to belly up to the bar. Punches would be thrown which they wouldn’t feel until someone let the air out of them with a knife or fork. So I stopped at the party store and bought some Old Smokey’s Salted Carmel whiskey to go with my fresh cider. Super cute gal came in dressed as Dracuwoman. She asked one of the counter workers she knew if he could guess what she was and HE said “a stripper!”
Boy she got pretty piqued and gave him an earful about “where his warped mind always resided.”
It’s the little things, innit? A good giggle helps keep you off the roof with the old scoped smokepole, drawing a bead on passing motorists.