A rough ride

Black Hawk bouquet
A virtual bouquet for the victors in the Battle of Black Hawk.

From our Good News and Bad News Department:

First, the Colorado Supreme Court told the knuckleheads running Black Hawk to stick their bike ban where the sun don’t shine, opining that cyclists have every bit as much right to the road as do busloads of bluehairs itching to flush their Social Security checks down a two-bit casino town’s loos.

Next, not everybody was delighted with the recently concluded world cyclo-cross championships in Kentucky. Take Steve Tilford, for example. Tilly should have every reason to rejoice — after all, he won the Masters 50-54 title — but he’s seething over what he says was the organizers’ failure to provide functional bike-cleaning equipment in what proved to be an incredibly filthy contest.

Now, I have no interest in casino towns. I consider gambling a tax on stupidity, which should be painful, if only in the wallet pocket. But I’m forced to take note when the highwaymen who run these shitholes tell me I can’t pass through unless I’m in an officially approved vehicle. So chapeau to the cyclists who got ticketed and fought the sonsabitches all the way to the Supremes, and won. They should celebrate with a bicycle parade through Black Hawk, the bigger the better.

As for worlds, well, I wasn’t there, but from a distance it looked like a fairly hellish weekend for all concerned, especially the poor sods struggling to keep the rising Ohio River and Beargrass Creek from turning the course into a water park.

That said, having raced nearly all of my “career” as a masters racer, I got used to shabby treatment early on. Masters racers are the equivalent of the casino’s bluehairs — the marks, the rubes, the suckers, genial nitwits who amble in to get fleeced and then shooed out to grow a fresh coat so the promoters can keep the lights on for the main act. I never raced a world championship, but there were plenty of times when nobody in authority could be bothered to tell me how I placed, much less help me keep my bike operational.

They always managed to cash the check, though.

Missed him by that much

God is trying to get Paddy McQuaid, sending a flood to bugger up cyclo-cross worlds in Kaintucky, but the fat bastard keeps bobbing and weaving, ducking the punch.

Word is that Sunday’s races have been shoehorned into Saturday’s schedule, so come the Lord’s day we’re unlikely to enjoy the sight of Fat Paddy sailing down the Ohio River on a raft composed entirely of his own bullshit, more’s the pity.

Just one more reason I’m an atheist with a Zen streak.

• Late update: My fellow Bibleburger Casey B. Gibson is shooting worlds for the VeloNews mob. Here’s his latest gallery. The sandbags are going down and the water is coming up. Good times.

No more Mister Nys guy

Some heavily marinated frites-eating knucklehead thought it was amusing to toss beer on Sven Nys at the Azencross today.

Said knucklehead thought otherwise after the Cannibal of Baal — who was having a very bad day on the job — dropped his bike and ducked through the course tape to have a pointed discussion with him, just before a less restrained individual flew past to flatten the beer-pitcher.

Nys returned to the course, jogging with his bike, but eventually abandoned in disgust. Two crashes and seven dousings with beer apparently were enough for one day. Afterward he tweeted: “Throwing beer each lap is a bit much, so I got it into my head to go & ask why. A little bit of respect, please.” Word.

Hell of the Northwest

The USA Pro Challenge peloton zips down Tejon Street in Bibleburg in the 2012 edition. Photo: Herself | Mad Dog Media
The USA Pro Challenge peloton zips down Tejon Street in Bibleburg in the 2012 edition. Photo: Herself | Mad Dog Media

The USA Pro Challenge (which is still a stupid name) has unveiled its route for 2013, and maybe it’s time to start calling the race the Tour of Colorado Ski Country USA (which is equally stupid, but at least tells you something about the event).

No Durango. No Colorado Springs. No Boulder. Yes to Aspen/Snowmass, Breckenridge, Steamboat Springs, Beaver Creek and Vail.

Loveland/Fort Collins made the cut, which is good, as Fort Collins has a rockin’ cycling scene. And Denver appears to be a mortal lock as the event’s Champs-Élysées; last year’s snoozer of a time trial is history in favor of a circuit race.

But it’s too bad that Southern Colorado gets shut out. There’s already bugger-all for lesser events south of the Palmer Divide — those tree-hugging sissies in Boulder are afeared that Jeebus and/or the NRA will git ’em if they dare to venture down this way to race they bicycles — and now anyone who wants to see The Big Show will have to crank up the idiot box or the family tank.

Ski areas have all the infrastructure (especially the green folding kind) that an event like this requires, of course. And it certainly doesn’t help that organizers have been known to pull enticing attendance figures right out of their asses, irking locals who found themselves coughing up big bucks for very little bang. Still, it would be neat to see the Stupidly Named Race visit less-heralded locations like Pueblo, Trinidad, Cuchara, Weirdcliffe or Function Junction.

I’d like to see a real weirdo stage that concluded up Phantom Canyon Road to Cripple Creek-Victor, or worked in Pass Creek Road and Old La Veta Pass. But I’m funny that way. Maybe not. Ain’t enough gold in them thar hills, I’m a-guessin’.